NOT giving AP car use?

[Anonymous]

OP - Another longtime hostmom here. I think there is one aspect you should consider, that maybe you haven't yet...

If you are a host family in NW DC, your au pair will have easy public transportation access to everything -- plus, her cluster of au pair friends will all mostly be in the same boat.

I am familiar with the areas of Bethesda you are describing, and to me, it is a decidedly SUBURBAN (rather than urban) environment. While you may live close to a bus line (where she can take a bus to the mall, or the metro), many of her au pair friends are going to be in other suburban parts of Bethesda that will not be easy to get to. I think it is essential to a good au pair experience (by both the HF and the AP) that the AP 1) have AP friends; and 2) have sufficient ability to get out of the house and meet those friends.

Your environment is not super-conducive to #2. That's OK. You were up front about it, and the reality of your family is that you share one car. But just keep in mind -- if your AP is from many parts of the world, or an urban environment -- she may have accepted thinking "sure its OK to use public transportation, I use it all the time here), and then she gets here and realizes that taking a bus to the metro station, so that she can pick up another bus, on the weekend, when they only run once an hour, so that she can see her AP friend for 3 hours -- well, that's a strong disincentive.

I am in another suburban area (slightly smaller than Bethesda) and we bought a 3rd car (a somewhat junky older car) specifically for AP use. I realize not every family can afford that, or wants to do that. But I did it because I realized that if I needed to get across MY town, to visit a friend, I would NEVER go out if it meant taking 2 buses to get there. I'd encourage you to think about that. When YOU go to visit your friends in Bethesda, what do you do? Maybe you all like coffee so its no problem to just all take the bus to Starbucks. But if visiting your best friend meant taking 2 buses and 90 minutes to get 4 miles, would you do it?

If you wouldn't, then I don't think you should expect that she will either. It may be a non-issue. Maybe all her AP friends will have cars, and they'll pick her up. But -- a housebound AP will be an unhappy AP. An unhappy AP makes for an unhappy HF.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm the poster that lives .75 miles from the metro. I have to be honest - 2 miles away isn't "close" to the metro. For example, she won't be coming home from meeting her friends at night willing to walk 2 miles. Even .75 miles is just on the edge of casual walkability for us. And our bus stop is practically in our front yard. Where is the bus stop from you r house? I support you on not having her drive, really I do. But really think about what you're asking her to do because 2 miles from the metro is not walkable. I also didn't realize she's not someone use to public transportation. You really do have to be used to it and committed. It does take longer, it's more weather-influenced, and you have to take the time to learn the system. Someone used to just jumping in the car whenever and going is going to have trouble adjusting to walking 2 miles to the metro to get anywhere. It could work out totally fine if she's mature and if you are able to accommodate her in other ways, but keep an eye on it.

[Anonymous]

10:31, I'm the .75 miles poster and I agree with you - tried to say it less eloquently in one of my initial posts: "The other thing I do actually get is that her friends are going to be in the Bethesda suburbs. You can take a bus to those houses, but it is really inconvenient, requires lots of walking, and is very not sexy to show up at your friend's house party sweaty from the walk and when everyone else has driven." Bethesda beyond right around the downtown area is very suburban. OP, check out the boundaries of your cluster to see where a lot of your AP's friends will live.

This is what I mean by keeping an eye on it. Our first AP rarely drove and it happened that most of her friends lived right nearby. She wasn't a big clubber and wasn't out late. She liked to walk and didn't mind being physically uncomfortable for a short time in the heat or rain. She would have done fine with no car access. Our current AP stays out really really late frequently, her friends are all over the place (met most of them through Facebook rather than her cluster or they are Americans), and complains bitterly if she's even a little sweaty. She would be miserable without car access even in our public transportation-friendly situation. (guess which AP we liked more...haha)

We explained our car situation to both of them the same way. I've learned over the years of hosting that you have to be a bit careful about the "but she knew this when she matched!!" excuse. Remember that when APs are in the matching process, the host families come to them. They have to sit back and wait for someone to contact them. Some are going to get tons of interest and will be able to pick and choose and get a better idea of what's out there and the variety of situations. Others are so excited, they jump on the first family that seems sort of nice. They generally have no idea that most families in Bethesda will offer a car, or that there are tons in DC that don't. They generally have no idea that if you say it's a short walk to the Metro, what that actually means for how they are going to get around. So it's a work in progress throughout the year, and for things other than car use too. You learn about each other, learn where the rules can be bent, learn how far she's willing to go for you and how far you're willing to change for her.

Now obviously some things are not negotiable. We only have one car and I am absolutely not buying another one, period. So if an AP was so miserable with us because she didn't have her own car, we would just rematch. But you'd be well-served by being upfront, but not being totally inflexible (within your own limits) too. Not to say that you have to offer car use - and that could be your end point. We'll offer it, but won't buy her another car. You might give her a little extra money for the metro or cabs, but won't offer car use.

[Anonymous]

I think what we all try to achieve is an AP that does not abuse the privilege of a car. We live in DC and taking the bus on the weekends is not that convenient, I agree (I try to give rides to Metro). HOwever, I expect our APs that when they go out late to travel as a group to share a cab to our house, if that is where they are all staying. If my AP wants to visit a friend in the outer burbs, she can have the car if it does not inconvenience me and it is not happning all the time. I also know that our APs did not have car access at a whim back home and often come from small towns where they face similar public transportation issues. It is not my job to make their life more comfortable or similar to mine.

[Anonymous]

I agree that the goal is an AP who appreciates the car and doesn't abuse the privilege. I imagine most APs, at 20 or so, don't get how expensive it is to offer a car and how much of a mental hurdle it is to share it. From my perspective, I paid $20,000 (or more) for this car, I pay $800 every 6 months for insurance on this car, I pay the hundreds when the windshield cracks or it's bumped up on a garage pole a bit. I pay the maintenance and the thousands when it needs a new part. I pay sometimes $300 a month in gas just by driving to work, going away for one weekend, and taking a few trips to Target. For a typical car, by the time you pay the car note, gas, insurance, and maintenance, you can be talking $500-1,000 a month. Obviously this varies depending on the car, how much you drive, etc. But the point is, it can be really expensive. And because I paid for all that, I tend to want to use it when I want to use it and not have to wait for it to come back because it's out all night again or wait for it to get out of the shop because my au pair had an accident.

And then you have someone giving you attitude as if you're being completely unfair because she wants to take the car yet again to a friend's house and you actually tell her once that no, you'd like it to be home because you might need to run an errand and would she mind just taking the bus like you usually do, and it's really really difficult not to get disgusted by the lack of appreciation. Particularly when you let her know up front that she would have limited car use because you live right by the Metro.

I've had to really learn to let it go and just be clear about expectations and not feel guilty. But I can completely see why a host mom would want to just eliminate the car discussion altogether. It can get very challenging if you have an AP who is the least bit immature or who has really never had to pay for anything herself before.