Nanny in abusive relationship?

[Anonymous]

First off, this is very real and I am not a troll or making this up. Our beloved nanny of a year has been showing up for the past couple of months with various bruises on her body. She has a boyfriend who seems very nice but my DH has picked up on his control issues. We are very close and have gone out to dinner ( he is same industry as DH) with her and her boyfriend on several occasions. I not accusing her boyfriend of anything but I know they love together. She has shown up with a black eye or bruises on her arms, etc. I have asked and she says it is from a workout class she takes. DH was with her Friday morning and said she had a visible hand mark on her throat that looks like she tried covering up with make-up. He didnt ask it but said she became uncomortable when shw noticed him looking at her neck. DH is comcerned and thinks she is being physically abused. We are very concerned for her safety and wonder what it is we can do? I understand this is a delicate and serious matter. We don't know if we should ask again or alert a family member?

[Anonymous]

Is she doing good work while on the clock? That is all that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she doing good work while on the clock? That is all that matters.

So OP shouldn't be concerned about her nannies safety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she doing good work while on the clock? That is all that matters.

She does a wonderful job but as a human being, I am concerned for her safety. I care about her and I don't want to think of anyone having to endure that. All I can ask is, what the hell is wrong with you? How could you not care? So pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Just sit down with her (just you and not DH) and tell her much you like her, what a wonderful person she is, how much the kids love her, etc. And then tell her you've noticed the bruises and marks and are very concerned for her safety. Don't push her to tell you more. She's likely very embarrassed and used to lying about it. Tell her you are available to talk, help find her a safe place to stay, or whatever she may need. Then give her the info of a local women's shelter/support group and let her know you understand if she's uncomfortable talking to you about it, but that you hope she reaches out to someone.

Unfortunately, you can't do much more. I've been in your shoes with both friends and my sister and it is awful.

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to diminish the possibility that her BF is hurting her, but I take combat training classes in my off ours and get knocked around pretty good. It's given me bruises everywhere, including black eyes. We've also trained (many, many times) in how to get away from an attacker who grabs you by the throat and I've had handprints on my neck and shoulders. There have been many times while out with my boyfriend that people confront him because they think he beats me. I am sure, however, to let my employers know that being bruised up is from the classes.
What class is she taking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she doing good work while on the clock? That is all that matters.

So OP shouldn't be concerned about her nannies safety?

It is not her business. If nanny wants help she may ask for it. Otherwise it's rude to pry, especially if it is not effecting her work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just sit down with her (just you and not DH) and tell her much you like her, what a wonderful person she is, how much the kids love her, etc. And then tell her you've noticed the bruises and marks and are very concerned for her safety. Don't push her to tell you more. She's likely very embarrassed and used to lying about it. Tell her you are available to talk, help find her a safe place to stay, or whatever she may need. Then give her the info of a local women's shelter/support group and let her know you understand if she's uncomfortable talking to you about it, but that you hope she reaches out to someone.

Unfortunately, you can't do much more. I've been in your shoes with both friends and my sister and it is awful.

I like this advice a lot. Give her some literature/phone numbers etc... Let her know you are concerned, that you are there for her, that there is no shame in it, etc... Be prepared for her not to acknowledge it of course, but give her enough info to be able to act on it in the middle of the night or whenever.

[Anonymous]

First, I don't think you should let it go as long as it doesn't affect her work.

Ask her what class she's taking. Maybe it really is a self defense class of some kind.

What is she like with her BF? What is he like at work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she doing good work while on the clock? That is all that matters.

So OP shouldn't be concerned about her nannies safety?

It is not her business. If nanny wants help she may ask for it. Otherwise it's rude to pry, especially if it is not effecting her work.

+1 as someone who was in an abusive relationship. Let her do her job. As long as the kids are cares for, stay out of her business. For all you know they could just be having rough sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she doing good work while on the clock? That is all that matters.

So OP shouldn't be concerned about her nannies safety?

It is not her business. If nanny wants help she may ask for it. Otherwise it's rude to pry, especially if it is not effecting her work.

No, it isn't rude to pry. I hope you would have more concern if it was happening to one of your friends. But wait, it is rude to pry. Who cares if she is getting the crap beat out if her and the bf is telling her that he will kill her if she tries to get help.

Have a talk with the nanny. Let her know you have noticed the bruises and offer her support and let her know you are concerned. Do not bad mouth the bf, even if she ever does. Yes, this really could just be from a class or rough sex, but it could be abuse. The hotline.org is a resource you could look at for ways to offer support.

I would rather have someone who thought they suspected something speak to me about something than have them idly watch by while something was going on because "it was rude to pry."

[Anonymous]

When you talk with talk, you could give her some domestic abuse literature, or a brochure with, "How do you know if you're in an abusive relationship." Sometimes they cover emotional abuse as well.

She may avoid Internet research, if he's demanded to check her visited sites.

Next time you take the two of them out for dinner, I'd ask about his childhood, if you can. That may provide some insight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you talk with talk, you could give her some domestic abuse literature, or a brochure with, "How do you know if you're in an abusive relationship." Sometimes they cover emotional abuse as well.

She may avoid Internet research, if he's demanded to check her visited sites.

Next time you take the two of them out for dinner, I'd ask about his childhood, if you can. That may provide some insight.

*When you talk with her...

[Anonymous]

As a survivor of an abusive relationship, I'm surprised by the MYOB posters. Could you really turn your cheek if it were your friend or family member who appeared to be beaten and choked?

I am eternally grateful to my friends who didn't sit idly by and who pulled me out of my hole of denial, acceptance, and embarrassment. It scares me to think of where i might be now without them.

I volunteer with women just getting out of abusive relationships. I'd say 80% of them got out of the relationship because they had friends and family to lean on for support and because these same people were the ones who helped them get out.

[Anonymous]

You need to separate the context of this woman being your employee from this woman being a friend you are concerned about. It's great that she is still doing a wonderful job, but yes, I would be concerned nonetheless. Try reposting this without the employment information on the main DCUM board to get some perspectives and resources on how to handle the same situation with a friend. Broadly speaking, though, one of the biggest issues with domestic violence in this country is that people stay silent about it and allow it to continue to avoid getting involved. Even if all that comes out of it is that you affirm that she is indeed taking a combat class--you're no longer worrying about her each day.