Try to talk again or let go.....

[Anonymous]

We have a nanny who loves our DS. She is affectionate and usually engaged, as far as we know. Our nanny is flexible and so are we as employers. Our nanny, however, tells constant "white lies" about naps, meals, small accidents, lateness, days off. The real stories are not so bad, but for some reason our nanny feels the need to lie about it, I imagine its because she is afraid of what we might do or say, despite never having done or said anything. This has gone one from the beginning (its been about 4 months) and we have never been angry with her, so I am not sure what she thinks is going to happen. The first time she tried to cover up an accident, about a week and a half after starting, I very calmly told her that I really wanted us to have an open line of communication, that I totally understand how something like this could happen (scratch on DS's leg), but that I need to feel that she is always honest with me. She continues to make up nonsensical stories.

I suspect our nanny uses her cell phone a lot during work. Almost every day in both the mornings and evenings she gets calls and texts that she takes.

She is a terrible listener. We have repeated easy directions for certain things to her a million times, and she will not listen-- "please put Larlo to nap at 2" results in "oh we went for a walk and didn't get back until 2:30, so I didn't put him down until 3" or "please give Larlo almond milk, not cow milk" results in "I think Larlo wanted cow milk, not almond milk, so I gave him cow milk" or other stuff like that. Repeatedly.

I do not want to micro manage, but its frustrating that she does not follow our instructions. We have talked to her about specific incidents-- "do not give him cow milk when we ask you to give him almond milk" and we have written down very clear directions as well. Her English is great. I think she just simply does not want to listen to us, and wants to do what she thinks is best for our DS. That is not okay with us.

Since we have addressed the individual incidents and nothing has improved, do we sit down and talk about how we want this to work, but we need improvement on 1. honesty, 2. cell phone usage, and 3. following our directions or do we cut our losses and let her go? I am concerned that she won't really get it if we talk to her and might be resentful that we call her out, especially on the honesty bit, and I hate to sour the relationship with the person who is in my home taking care of DS.

Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Let her go and don't provide a reference. She doesn't take you or the child's safety seriously. What if he had an allergic reaction because she gave him the wrong milk? There is just too much wrong, you would be better off starting over with someone new.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny and I think you need to replace her. If she can't follow your simple directions, she needs to go.

[Anonymous]

MB here. I'd fire her. She's NOT engaged if she's on her phone all the time, and she's not following your directions. Unacceptable.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like an awful nanny. Why in the world would you consider keeping her?! Let her go!

[Anonymous]

Let her go. The lies would be a dealbreaker for me on their own. No one should have to be told not to tell lies. Repeatedly not following directions is also not cool. The cell phone usage is just icing on the cake. Give her whatever notice or severance pay you agreed on (or a minimum of two weeks) and let her go.

[Anonymous]

MB here. I don't understand why you would retain this nanny at this point. Nothing in the behavior you describe is defensible or bodes well for a long term relationship. You cannot trust her, she does not follow directions, and you have had repeated conversations about these issues.

There are plenty of wonderful nannies out there will care for your child wonderfully and also give you peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

I recognize the OP troll.

[Anonymous]

The little white lies would bother me because in a professional environment, a lie is a lie.

I think this is a troll posting because of the name usage of "Larlo" instead of "Larla."

Always uses that name....

[Anonymous]

One more warning and tell her that you will have to let her go if she does not follow your instructions.

[Anonymous]

OP here, not a troll, what's up with the troll-calling on every single post? I like to think that if I were a troll I would be able to invent better material.

For the PP referring to the use of the name Larlo, spend a bit more time in DCUM and you'll see that Larla/Larlo is the commonly used name by many posters when referring to a child and not wanting to use their real name.

I realize that many people would have fired her by now. My hesitancy is that I think she lies because she is nervous we will judge the truth (not because we have, but I think she is timid in that sense) and I think she truly cares for our DS. I am not sure that that is enough though, considering I want to be able to trust her completely.

Thanks again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, not a troll, what's up with the troll-calling on every single post? I like to think that if I were a troll I would be able to invent better material.

For the PP referring to the use of the name Larlo, spend a bit more time in DCUM and you'll see that Larla/Larlo is the commonly used name by many posters when referring to a child and not wanting to use their real name.

I realize that many people would have fired her by now. My hesitancy is that I think she lies because she is nervous we will judge the truth (not because we have, but I think she is timid in that sense) and I think she truly cares for our DS. I am not sure that that is enough though, considering I want to be able to trust her completely.

Thanks again.

That's not an acceptable excuse. Well, it is ... IF YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD! But it's not an acceptable excuse if you're a grown adult with a Big Girl job.

[Anonymous]

Maybe, just maybe, one more talk - essentially, a warning. You will have to call her out on everything, and point out that honesty and compliance with your instructions are of utmost importance.

Explain that you know she wants to do what seems best for your child and that you are open to suggestions in some areas but on certain things like diet and naptimes you are firm, because in these areas you have established already that this is necessary/the best approach, and that you want to be clear that cell phone use must be limited. It is always constructive to point out the things you appreciate about your nanny in this situation (warm, caring etc) but I think the main emphasis should be on your concerns, so she understands the gravity of the situation.

Do you have a written agreement? If so, perhaps it's time to amend it, highlighting to her what you've added to address the areas where there are issues (cell phone use, naps, diet, etc.). If not, perhaps write up a daily routine with nap times, meal times including foods and drink that may/may not be given, and overall guidelines on cell phone usage and anything else important. In either case, go over it with her in person.

I actually think she does not sound like a very well adjusted person and I would question her competency if she cannot do certain things like comply about the kind of milk the child has. To say that the child wanted a different kind of milk sounds weak/borderline passive-aggressive, and the failure to follow your instructions/lie to cover things up sounds irresponsible and disrespectful. The most I would do would be give a warning and see if things change. If after a couple of weeks things hadn't improved meaningfully I would look for a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

I totally agree that you need to let her go. I was in a similar situation in which my daughter's nanny would not follow my very basic and not at all controversial instructions (please please please get here on time so I don't show up late to my students' homeroom; please please don't leave the monitor plugged in since the old one died that way; PLEASE put her down to nap on time. You can see I haven't let it go myself, and it's been over a year!) I did end up letting her go and was SO RELIEVED. It was hard to choose a new nanny but I did get the sense that every single person I interviewed had a long history of following directions with no complications. My daughter loved the non-compliant nanny, just as your son loves yours, but guess what -- she loves her new nanny, too, and will likely love the next one. Kids have a lot of love to give. There is rarely one person who can give the "best" love, especially at a young age. In fact, if the nanny is not following what the employer thinks is best, then it's not the best nanny for the kid! This isn't even touching the issue of white lies, which is strange and must be frustrating.

I think, bottom line, that many people are good at getting kids to love them, but it doesn't mean they are all invested in their jobs. When I let my nanny go, I didn't get the sense that she was all that broken up about it. I know it might feel difficult to consider firing someone, but I hope you will listen to what I think is pretty good perspective from all these parents and do just that.

I think you will feel good when it's all over!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your input 21:45. OP here. Can I ask you how you let your nanny go? Did you tell her why? Get in to details? Keep it vague? Make up an excuse?