What to do when you come home and told they kids were bad

[Anonymous]

I posted this in parenting, but thought it might be better here.
I have an almost 2 year old and almost 5 year old kids and work very part-time 2 days per week. Lately when I come home the nanny has told me that the kids weren't well behaved and were fighting over toys (snatch & grab) or fussing with one another. I have apologized and talk to my older child about behavior and at times send older child to bed early if I get a bad report. I am home with the kids often and know that it can be irritating if they are crying over wanting the same toys, or if my older one is fussy and tired from preschool, but I am wondering what my response should be to nanny and to kids.

[Anonymous]

MB here. You have a babysitter, not a nanny. A nanny knows how to deal with these behaviors.

[Anonymous]

As a nanny, unless they hurt themselves or I see something that could end up being harmful behavior, I never tell the parents how awful their kids were that day. Am I the only one? I feel like you've been at work all day, the last thing you want to hear is how Sarah and Timmy fought over a toy. The reason I don't say anything is the answer to your question, there's nothing you can do. Its in the past so any consequences passed out by the parents after the fact would be moot. What does this nanny want you to do? Apologize for their behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here. You have a babysitter, not a nanny. A nanny knows how to deal with these behaviors.

+1

I replied to your original posting and still believe it belongs in General Parenting. You have a babysitter, NOT a nanny; a PT nanny would never bring such minor issues to your attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted this in parenting, but thought it might be better here.
I have an almost 2 year old and almost 5 year old kids and work very part-time 2 days per week. Lately when I come home the nanny has told me that the kids weren't well behaved and were fighting over toys (snatch & grab) or fussing with one another. I have apologized and talk to my older child about behavior and at times send older child to bed early if I get a bad report. I am home with the kids often and know that it can be irritating if they are crying over wanting the same toys, or if my older one is fussy and tired from preschool, but I am wondering what my response should be to nanny and to kids.

Our nanny tells me if DC (2.5) does something really bad and sometimes he and I will talk about it, but mostly the report is that he was good or naughty/fussy/not listening whatever and it's just info about the day. I just say okay and thanks. She hands out consequences at the time when needed so there is not really more for me to do when I get home (unless the consequence is ongoing and we will continue to enforce it). I tell her how he was the evening before when she arrives in the morning too but it's more of an FYI than anything. Once in a while she raises some ongoing behavior issue and I either tell her how I want her to handle it or we brainstorm together a consistent response to it.

It's hard to tell from your post but from what you say, it sounds like the nanny's standards for good behavior from kids that age are a little high. Siblings squabble over toys. Should they be polite and not grab? Of course. But she can remind them of that in the moment and should be defusing the situation then and there - not sure what you need to do after the fact ...

[Anonymous]

I will mention behavior issues I'm having with the children, not because I want an apology, but because I want to make sure that we are on the same page about how to handle it. I want to make sure I'm being consistent with any consequences you may have in place, or to share my own strategy if you have none. She should be doing more than simply saying "they were bad", but I don't think communicating issues means necessarily that she's an unqualified sitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will mention behavior issues I'm having with the children, not because I want an apology, but because I want to make sure that we are on the same page about how to handle it. I want to make sure I'm being consistent with any consequences you may have in place, or to share my own strategy if you have none. She should be doing more than simply saying "they were bad", but I don't think communicating issues means necessarily that she's an unqualified sitter.

To be fair, I'm OPs first post it was the tone of the sitter's delivery (reporting these events with a sigh) that convinced me she is no nanny. A nanny would say maybe that DC had a tough time sharing today, but after a gentle reminder/time out/however it was handled he was great - for the exact reason you stated: to make sure her discipline technique is okay with the parents. A sitter will sigh helplessly about normal (albeit unacceptable) behavior.

[Anonymous]

In OP's first post*

[Anonymous]

I will mention it if it's a new behavior or if I feel like the parents at the kid up to fail... For example twice this winter I've had two different moms say not to let the kids go outside because they have a stuffy nose. The kids were otherwise fine and acted horribly because they had too much energy to be cooped up all day. One of the moms is quite a bit older and must not that active in general so I don't think she really likes to go outside much which could be part of it, but I'm a big believer in letting the kids run off their energy rain or shine. I'll mention to the moms that the kid seemed to have a lot of energy and it caused behaviour X and maybe it would be good to let them run around outside.

[Anonymous]

Op here, Thanks for the responses. The way our person tells me is in a way that makes me feel like I need to apologize, or do something about the kids behavior. It is not in a "what should I do when little Johnny is grabbing a toy from little bobby". I just needed to hear what I should expect and what I should do .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here, Thanks for the responses. The way our person tells me is in a way that makes me feel like I need to apologize, or do something about the kids behavior. It is not in a "what should I do when little Johnny is grabbing a toy from little bobby". I just needed to hear what I should expect and what I should do .

Instead of apologizing, could you try giving her more explicit direction on how to handle it and explain what you do so she can respond consistently. It may be that because she only works two days a week, she's just not sure how you handle it? If after that, she's still looking for an apology from you, I think she may have unrealistic expectations of both your kids and you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here, Thanks for the responses. The way our person tells me is in a way that makes me feel like I need to apologize, or do something about the kids behavior. It is not in a "what should I do when little Johnny is grabbing a toy from little bobby". I just needed to hear what I should expect and what I should do .

Instead of apologizing, could you try giving her more explicit direction on how to handle it and explain what you do so she can respond consistently. It may be that because she only works two days a week, she's just not sure how you handle it? If after that, she's still looking for an apology from you, I think she may have unrealistic expectations of both your kids and you.

+1. If she is expecting you to apologize for their behavior I don't think she has realistic expectations for children that age. My children are often similarly behaved and their nanny has never said anything to me about it other than in passing and to point out that it is normal. You should most definitely NOT apologize to her but rather tell her how you think she should handle it when that happens. For example you could say "well, I think it's normal for siblings that age to fight over toys. This is what I do when they act like that." How is she with the children otherwise? To be honest if she thinks this isn't normal and doesn't know how to handle it she doesn't sound like a very good nanny and maybe you need a new one.

[Anonymous]

I always tell the truth when asked how were the children today. Thankfully all but 1 of my charges have mostly been good. So it's rare I say it was a horrible day. But if it happens yes I report it as I want them to know look out for the 2 yr old he was upset all day he might be coming down with an illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I always tell the truth when asked how were the children today. Thankfully all but 1 of my charges have mostly been good. So it's rare I say it was a horrible day. But if it happens yes I report it as I want them to know look out for the 2 yr old he was upset all day he might be coming down with an illness.

That's not really what it sounds like OP described. It sounds like normal behavior between siblings that the babysitter is complaining about regularly.

[Anonymous]

It sounds from OPs post that its normal behavior, but maybe its beyond that and she, as their mother, is blind to it. We are only getting one side here. I once took a job with three children, ranging from 9-12 years old, and the mother described them as "spirited". A few days into the job and it was clear that they were far more than "spirited". There were obviously some undiagnosed special needs there, but every time I tried to have a conversation with the mother about their behavior, she'd write it off as normal sibling behavior. Yes its normal for them to squabble, but NOT normal to be throwing chairs, kicking and biting, and saying and describing how they'd like to kill each other/themselves.