Therapy session here for bad AP experiences?

[Anonymous]

I wonder sometimes if it would help me to air my grievances about horrendous AP experiences. By writing it all down, would I be able to let it go? How do you deal with bad/traumatic AP experiences?

[Anonymous]

As someone who has had two really bad AP experiences (and two incredibly perfect ones), I haven't found the answer, other than time. For me anyway, since I work so hard and spend so much time on making sure our au pairs are happy and getting what they want out of the year, it becomes a really emotional experience when they don't appreciate all that you do and don't hold up their end of the bargain.

I've posted about it, talked about it, etc., but in the end it doesn't seem to do much good. Now that I'm about six months out from our last bad experience and have a wonderful au pair, I don't think about it nearly as much. The other thing you can do though, is just learn from it. I've learned not to put up with an au pair that doesn't do the basic requirements of her job after one "reset" conversation. I've learned more about interviewing and training. So at least I can feel good about having gotten something out of the bad experiences.

[Anonymous]

Okay I know I will be flamed, and you'll probably have my post deleted, but truly and honestly, why do you all expect so much from very young women making very little money? They're sold an experience of getting to travel and experience American culture, then brought here to work lots of hours for little pay, given very little time off to actually have fun, not paid enough to even really go anywhere or do anything, and housed with wealthy families who wanted cheap labor. For real, what did you expect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay I know I will be flamed, and you'll probably have my post deleted, but truly and honestly, why do you all expect so much from very young women making very little money? They're sold an experience of getting to travel and experience American culture, then brought here to work lots of hours for little pay, given very little time off to actually have fun, not paid enough to even really go anywhere or do anything, and housed with wealthy families who wanted cheap labor. For real, what did you expect?

I really appreciate how kindly you put this, honestly, and I hope that we can put this to rest once and for all. I think you make a number of assumptions here that are false. Although I am positive that there are many host families who overwork their au pairs or who select 18-year-olds with very little experience and then expect them to act like professional nannies, this is not nearly universally true.

Firstly, au pairs are 18-26 and represent a wide range of experience and maturity levels. I completely agree with you, and have said before, that if you select an 18yo who has only occasionally babysat and expect her to be a professional full-time nanny, then you will be sorely disappointed. On the flip side, there are many many au pairs who arrive in the US with extensive experience, including certifications and degrees, and who are well prepared to take on a full-time child care job. If you want success in the program, you select these young women versus the ones you assume au pairs all are.

Secondly, I wholeheartedly disagree with you that they make very little. You are looking at straight money handed to the au pair and you fail to look at the whole compensation that au pairs get. You also, I think, fail to see that this is a voluntary program, for which the compensation is very clearly laid out prior to selecting into the program, and still, thousands and thousands of au pairs come every year. There are so many more au pairs than there are host families willing to take on the time and expense, the clearly they are being compensated adequately enough to keep coming.

When you take a job, you not only consider your pay, but you also consider the other aspects of your "compensation package." With a professional job, this may include commute, benefits, healthcare coverage, flexible schedule, availability of telework, travel opportunities, opportunities for growth, how it looks on your resume, etc. With an au pair job, included in our compensation is not only $800 to $1,000 in cash each month, but also, free rent, utilities, food, health coverage, $500 toward your education, a flight to and from the US, and most frequently, car insurance coverage, a car to use, and a cell phone for an entire year. Also included are intangibles such as experience to add to your resume when you return home, a huge opportunity for personal growth, the opportunity to be immersed in a new language and return with highly marketable English skills, the support of a host family and a community counselor while living in a foreign country, simply the opportunity to live in the US for a year, which would be impossible for most of these young adults without this program. There is so much more to how au pairs are compensated than what you include - which is the cash a host family hands them. You forget all of the other things host families provide to their au pairs, included things that cost the host family a lot of money and also, those that cost the host family a lot of time.

They are not "brought here" - they choose to do the program and while I agree that the agencies don't fully explain that the program is a WORK program, it is very very clear on the websites that au pairs provide full-time child care. Go take a look at the websites if you don't agree with me. I've applied as a host family with four different agencies, and every single one requires that you fill out exactly the schedule you will ask your au pair to work. That is clear to au pairs upon matching. I completely understand that many host families change the schedules once they get here, but to say that au pairs come to the US expecting to have a year of traveling and fun and are somehow surprised that they're expected to work is frankly fairly insulting to the young women that choose to come. Are there au pairs that don't get the full reality of the program? Absolutely. But there's so so much information about being an au pair (not just through the websites, but through tons of blogs and forums and other resources), that if they come expecting not to have to work, then they're not very astute.

There is also a considerable rematch rate - au pairs go into rematch every day and can always request to be removed from the program or to find a new host family at any time. They are not stuck anywhere ever.

Your assumption that they are given very little time off to actually have fun and that they don't make enough to travel or actually have fun anyway is another falsehood. Again, I'm sure there are host families that ask their au pairs to work tons of hours every day of the week, but note that that is illegal and against the rules of the program. For those of us that follow the rules, our au pairs actually have lots of time off and have lots of extra cash. Our extraordinaire never works weekends and has three-day weekends at least once or twice a month. We pay for all of her living expenses, just like all host families do, so she has $1,000 in cash every month to spend purely on fun and travel. That's more than I have to spend on fun every month, to be sure.

And finally, your assumption that they are "housed with wealthy families who want cheap labor" is another falsehood. Yes, I am sure there are wealthy families who don't want to pay for a nanny and so use the au pair program because it is, yes, cheaper than a full-time live-out nanny. But again, comparing an au pair (who lives in your house and eats your food and drives your car and who requires a lot of assistance and training throughout the year) to a live-out nanny, who is paying all her own living expenses and leaves you alone outside of her work schedule) is apples to oranges. Hosting an au pair costs not only a room in our house and having to share our car and food, but also a total of about $25,000 a year. It is by no means cheap. Having my kids in before/after care or hiring a college student to do the 25 hours a week of care I use my au pair for would be cheaper.

I appreciate your kindness, but I ask you to please check your assumptions before you make judgments about host families and this program.

[Anonymous]

Couldn't have said it better PP!

[Anonymous]

I will also add that your statement that we "expect so much" is also misleading. What we expect, is that the person we hire to do a job completes the job. That's really all host parents want - that our au pairs focus on our children during their work hours and then essentially, be respectful of our house and car during their off-hours. The host parents you see complaining have au pairs that are doing things on-duty such as not watching the kids, not completing their duties such as kids' laundry, spending tons of time on duty on their cell phones, etc. These are the things that host parents complain about. Know why? Because we hire someone to do a job, spend thousands of dollars, offer up a room in our home and our car and our food and deal with the inconveniences of living with someone, for what - someone that isn't even pretending to care about watching our kids. It feels like taking advantage, and it sucks.

If you disagree, then please, offer to house someone and pay their living expenses totally free of charge for a year, spend the entire year worrying that your kids are unsafe and unhappy AND flush $25,000 down the toilet, and tell me how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay I know I will be flamed, and you'll probably have my post deleted, but truly and honestly, why do you all expect so much from very young women making very little money? They're sold an experience of getting to travel and experience American culture, then brought here to work lots of hours for little pay, given very little time off to actually have fun, not paid enough to even really go anywhere or do anything, and housed with wealthy families who wanted cheap labor. For real, what did you expect?

I really appreciate how kindly you put this, honestly, and I hope that we can put this to rest once and for all. I think you make a number of assumptions here that are false. Although I am positive that there are many host families who overwork their au pairs or who select 18-year-olds with very little experience and then expect them to act like professional nannies, this is not nearly universally true.

Firstly, au pairs are 18-26 and represent a wide range of experience and maturity levels. I completely agree with you, and have said before, that if you select an 18yo who has only occasionally babysat and expect her to be a professional full-time nanny, then you will be sorely disappointed. On the flip side, there are many many au pairs who arrive in the US with extensive experience, including certifications and degrees, and who are well prepared to take on a full-time child care job. If you want success in the program, you select these young women versus the ones you assume au pairs all are.

Secondly, I wholeheartedly disagree with you that they make very little. You are looking at straight money handed to the au pair and you fail to look at the whole compensation that au pairs get. You also, I think, fail to see that this is a voluntary program, for which the compensation is very clearly laid out prior to selecting into the program, and still, thousands and thousands of au pairs come every year. There are so many more au pairs than there are host families willing to take on the time and expense, the clearly they are being compensated adequately enough to keep coming.

When you take a job, you not only consider your pay, but you also consider the other aspects of your "compensation package." With a professional job, this may include commute, benefits, healthcare coverage, flexible schedule, availability of telework, travel opportunities, opportunities for growth, how it looks on your resume, etc. With an au pair job, included in our compensation is not only $800 to $1,000 in cash each month, but also, free rent, utilities, food, health coverage, $500 toward your education, a flight to and from the US, and most frequently, car insurance coverage, a car to use, and a cell phone for an entire year. Also included are intangibles such as experience to add to your resume when you return home, a huge opportunity for personal growth, the opportunity to be immersed in a new language and return with highly marketable English skills, the support of a host family and a community counselor while living in a foreign country, simply the opportunity to live in the US for a year, which would be impossible for most of these young adults without this program. There is so much more to how au pairs are compensated than what you include - which is the cash a host family hands them. You forget all of the other things host families provide to their au pairs, included things that cost the host family a lot of money and also, those that cost the host family a lot of time.

They are not "brought here" - they choose to do the program and while I agree that the agencies don't fully explain that the program is a WORK program, it is very very clear on the websites that au pairs provide full-time child care. Go take a look at the websites if you don't agree with me. I've applied as a host family with four different agencies, and every single one requires that you fill out exactly the schedule you will ask your au pair to work. That is clear to au pairs upon matching. I completely understand that many host families change the schedules once they get here, but to say that au pairs come to the US expecting to have a year of traveling and fun and are somehow surprised that they're expected to work is frankly fairly insulting to the young women that choose to come. Are there au pairs that don't get the full reality of the program? Absolutely. But there's so so much information about being an au pair (not just through the websites, but through tons of blogs and forums and other resources), that if they come expecting not to have to work, then they're not very astute.

There is also a considerable rematch rate - au pairs go into rematch every day and can always request to be removed from the program or to find a new host family at any time. They are not stuck anywhere ever.

Your assumption that they are given very little time off to actually have fun and that they don't make enough to travel or actually have fun anyway is another falsehood. Again, I'm sure there are host families that ask their au pairs to work tons of hours every day of the week, but note that that is illegal and against the rules of the program. For those of us that follow the rules, our au pairs actually have lots of time off and have lots of extra cash. Our extraordinaire never works weekends and has three-day weekends at least once or twice a month. We pay for all of her living expenses, just like all host families do, so she has $1,000 in cash every month to spend purely on fun and travel. That's more than I have to spend on fun every month, to be sure.

And finally, your assumption that they are "housed with wealthy families who want cheap labor" is another falsehood. Yes, I am sure there are wealthy families who don't want to pay for a nanny and so use the au pair program because it is, yes, cheaper than a full-time live-out nanny. But again, comparing an au pair (who lives in your house and eats your food and drives your car and who requires a lot of assistance and training throughout the year) to a live-out nanny, who is paying all her own living expenses and leaves you alone outside of her work schedule) is apples to oranges. Hosting an au pair costs not only a room in our house and having to share our car and food, but also a total of about $25,000 a year. It is by no means cheap. Having my kids in before/after care or hiring a college student to do the 25 hours a week of care I use my au pair for would be cheaper.

I appreciate your kindness, but I ask you to please check your assumptions before you make judgments about host families and this program.

Thank you for actually answering my question! I continue to disagree with you on many points but appreciate your answer. While they all come voluntarily, I don't think they are given the full picture before doing so. Coming from some of the countries they come from (not all but some) the stipend seems like a lot. Its not a lot, not even minimum wage, and certainly not enough to do any real travel. APs aren't given full access to many of the things you list as benefits, and have a lot of restrictions placed on the use of their free time and living quarters. I just think the program is generally dishonest and unfair to them, and mostly benefitting the majority rich white Americans, and the companies running the program (and pocketing most of their wages). It just screams exploitation to me.

[Anonymous]

I continue to appreciate your kindness rather than being inflammatory and always appreciate a respectful debate. I would ask you to consider why, given all the information that is out there that au pairs post (have you been on the au pair forums - they are very honest about their experiences), thousands of new candidates apply every day. I disagree with you that they are not able to find full information about the program. And they are always more than welcome to return home at any time should they find that the program isn't what they thought they had signed up for.

Additionally, I really don't understand why you think they are "certainly" not paid enough to do any real travel. I've had four au pairs and all of them have traveled extensively. Most au pairs do. You really don't think that if you had literally all of your expenses paid, you wouldn't be able to travel anywhere on $800 or $1,000 a month?

My au pair this year has taken a week-long trip to Miami, three long weekends in NYC, is planning her travel month trip to Hawaii, and has frequent weekend trips all over the DC area and to Philadelphia. All on her stipend.

And finally, I would suggest that you not lump all host parents together. As I mentioned, our au pairs don't work weekends, frequently have three-day weekends, have full use of a car, and don't have a curfew. There are variations of those throughout the host family population, but in all cases, agencies tell us host parents to be clear about what we will offer and all au pairs are free to choose their host family, based on what they're offering. If they arrive and find that they can't handle it, or that their host family changes their tune, they are more than welcome to go into rematch or go home.

Yes, the program benefits me, a relatively "rich" and yes, white American, in that I have childcare for a split schedule for my school-aged children. It benefits my au pair because she has the opportunity to live with a US family, perfect her English, have a great year of growth and experience and travel. Win win!

[Anonymous]

12:11- Just like any job, it's easy to end up disappointed if both parties have not done full due diligence. I spend weeks interviewing candidates and make sure they fully understand our family expectations. It is also the AP's opportunity to clearly get all the information she needs about responsibilities, rules and benefits to make an informed decision. There is no reason anyone who makes a fully informed decision should be disappointed after the fact, unless one or both parties were deceptive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12:11- Just like any job, it's easy to end up disappointed if both parties have not done full due diligence. I spend weeks interviewing candidates and make sure they fully understand our family expectations. It is also the AP's opportunity to clearly get all the information she needs about responsibilities, rules and benefits to make an informed decision. There is no reason anyone who makes a fully informed decision should be disappointed after the fact, unless one or both parties were deceptive.

Agreed. Well said. And fortunately, there's the rematch process, or simply ending the relationship, should one or both parties have been deceived.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I continue to appreciate your kindness rather than being inflammatory and always appreciate a respectful debate. I would ask you to consider why, given all the information that is out there that au pairs post (have you been on the au pair forums - they are very honest about their experiences), thousands of new candidates apply every day. I disagree with you that they are not able to find full information about the program. And they are always more than welcome to return home at any time should they find that the program isn't what they thought they had signed up for.

Additionally, I really don't understand why you think they are "certainly" not paid enough to do any real travel. I've had four au pairs and all of them have traveled extensively. Most au pairs do. You really don't think that if you had literally all of your expenses paid, you wouldn't be able to travel anywhere on $800 or $1,000 a month?

My au pair this year has taken a week-long trip to Miami, three long weekends in NYC, is planning her travel month trip to Hawaii, and has frequent weekend trips all over the DC area and to Philadelphia. All on her stipend.

And finally, I would suggest that you not lump all host parents together. As I mentioned, our au pairs don't work weekends, frequently have three-day weekends, have full use of a car, and don't have a curfew. There are variations of those throughout the host family population, but in all cases, agencies tell us host parents to be clear about what we will offer and all au pairs are free to choose their host family, based on what they're offering. If they arrive and find that they can't handle it, or that their host family changes their tune, they are more than welcome to go into rematch or go home.

Yes, the program benefits me, a relatively "rich" and yes, white American, in that I have childcare for a split schedule for my school-aged children. It benefits my au pair because she has the opportunity to live with a US family, perfect her English, have a great year of growth and experience and travel. Win win!

I think we will have to agree to disagree. You've made some good points that I will consider, but I think that while my opinions may not be as well informed as yours, your representation of the program is through rose colored glasses. Everything doesn't always work out as nicely as your represent, not everyone is as fair and rule abiding as yourself, and not everyone has realistic expectations. A lot of APs get royally screwed, and some of them are simply blissfully unaware as to how much. The fact that they continue to come doesn't mean the program is perfect. People swim across oceans, float on tube and rafts, and risk life and limb to get to the US.

[Anonymous]

And PP, no one ver said the program is perfect and I acknowledged multiple times in all of my posts that the agencies could do a better job of explaining the program and that there are host families that take advantage. I hope in the future that when and if you post again on this topic, you'll acknowledge that SOME au pairs get taken advantage of and that there are some things that could be improved in the program, rather than speaking in insulting generalities and untruths.

My frustration with this board is when people come on like you did originally and speak in absolutes. You said that au pairs are sold an experience, essentially lied to and taken advantage of, work lots of hours for little pay, given very little time off, not paid enough to do anything, and are employed by rich people who want to exploit cheap labor, and that we should expect nothing out of our au pairs or else we're being too demanding.

Surely, you can understand how that would be upsetting to someone who is spending tons of money and tons of time making sure that a young adult is happy and having a great year living in our home in exchange for watching my children? You speak in such generalities, and yet, there are tons of au pairs who are thrilled with the program and who count it as one of the best experiences of their lives. We're still in frequent contact with all of our au pairs, still exchange gifts, and hope to visit them in the future in their home countries.

If you have issues with the program, then please speak to specific issues and offer solutions, and certainly, condemn host parents who take advantage or mislead, but please know that many of us work hard to make sure our au pairs are happy and that the program overall has many happy participants.

[Anonymous]

Way to stay on topic for this thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to stay on topic for this thread

Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay I know I will be flamed, and you'll probably have my post deleted, but truly and honestly, why do you all expect so much from very young women making very little money? They're sold an experience of getting to travel and experience American culture, then brought here to work lots of hours for little pay, given very little time off to actually have fun, not paid enough to even really go anywhere or do anything, and housed with wealthy families who wanted cheap labor. For real, what did you expect?

I really appreciate how kindly you put this, honestly, and I hope that we can put this to rest once and for all. I think you make a number of assumptions here that are false. Although I am positive that there are many host families who overwork their au pairs or who select 18-year-olds with very little experience and then expect them to act like professional nannies, this is not nearly universally true.

Firstly, au pairs are 18-26 and represent a wide range of experience and maturity levels. I completely agree with you, and have said before, that if you select an 18yo who has only occasionally babysat and expect her to be a professional full-time nanny, then you will be sorely disappointed. On the flip side, there are many many au pairs who arrive in the US with extensive experience, including certifications and degrees, and who are well prepared to take on a full-time child care job. If you want success in the program, you select these young women versus the ones you assume au pairs all are.

Secondly, I wholeheartedly disagree with you that they make very little. You are looking at straight money handed to the au pair and you fail to look at the whole compensation that au pairs get. You also, I think, fail to see that this is a voluntary program, for which the compensation is very clearly laid out prior to selecting into the program, and still, thousands and thousands of au pairs come every year. There are so many more au pairs than there are host families willing to take on the time and expense, the clearly they are being compensated adequately enough to keep coming.

When you take a job, you not only consider your pay, but you also consider the other aspects of your "compensation package." With a professional job, this may include commute, benefits, healthcare coverage, flexible schedule, availability of telework, travel opportunities, opportunities for growth, how it looks on your resume, etc. With an au pair job, included in our compensation is not only $800 to $1,000 in cash each month, but also, free rent, utilities, food, health coverage, $500 toward your education, a flight to and from the US, and most frequently, car insurance coverage, a car to use, and a cell phone for an entire year. Also included are intangibles such as experience to add to your resume when you return home, a huge opportunity for personal growth, the opportunity to be immersed in a new language and return with highly marketable English skills, the support of a host family and a community counselor while living in a foreign country, simply the opportunity to live in the US for a year, which would be impossible for most of these young adults without this program. There is so much more to how au pairs are compensated than what you include - which is the cash a host family hands them. You forget all of the other things host families provide to their au pairs, included things that cost the host family a lot of money and also, those that cost the host family a lot of time.

They are not "brought here" - they choose to do the program and while I agree that the agencies don't fully explain that the program is a WORK program, it is very very clear on the websites that au pairs provide full-time child care. Go take a look at the websites if you don't agree with me. I've applied as a host family with four different agencies, and every single one requires that you fill out exactly the schedule you will ask your au pair to work. That is clear to au pairs upon matching. I completely understand that many host families change the schedules once they get here, but to say that au pairs come to the US expecting to have a year of traveling and fun and are somehow surprised that they're expected to work is frankly fairly insulting to the young women that choose to come. Are there au pairs that don't get the full reality of the program? Absolutely. But there's so so much information about being an au pair (not just through the websites, but through tons of blogs and forums and other resources), that if they come expecting not to have to work, then they're not very astute.

There is also a considerable rematch rate - au pairs go into rematch every day and can always request to be removed from the program or to find a new host family at any time. They are not stuck anywhere ever.

Your assumption that they are given very little time off to actually have fun and that they don't make enough to travel or actually have fun anyway is another falsehood. Again, I'm sure there are host families that ask their au pairs to work tons of hours every day of the week, but note that that is illegal and against the rules of the program. For those of us that follow the rules, our au pairs actually have lots of time off and have lots of extra cash. Our extraordinaire never works weekends and has three-day weekends at least once or twice a month. We pay for all of her living expenses, just like all host families do, so she has $1,000 in cash every month to spend purely on fun and travel. That's more than I have to spend on fun every month, to be sure.

And finally, your assumption that they are "housed with wealthy families who want cheap labor" is another falsehood. Yes, I am sure there are wealthy families who don't want to pay for a nanny and so use the au pair program because it is, yes, cheaper than a full-time live-out nanny. But again, comparing an au pair (who lives in your house and eats your food and drives your car and who requires a lot of assistance and training throughout the year) to a live-out nanny, who is paying all her own living expenses and leaves you alone outside of her work schedule) is apples to oranges. Hosting an au pair costs not only a room in our house and having to share our car and food, but also a total of about $25,000 a year. It is by no means cheap. Having my kids in before/after care or hiring a college student to do the 25 hours a week of care I use my au pair for would be cheaper.

I appreciate your kindness, but I ask you to please check your assumptions before you make judgments about host families and this program.

Thank you for actually answering my question! I continue to disagree with you on many points but appreciate your answer. While they all come voluntarily, I don't think they are given the full picture before doing so. Coming from some of the countries they come from (not all but some) the stipend seems like a lot. Its not a lot, not even minimum wage, and certainly not enough to do any real travel. APs aren't given full access to many of the things you list as benefits, and have a lot of restrictions placed on the use of their free time and living quarters. I just think the program is generally dishonest and unfair to them, and mostly benefitting the majority rich white Americans, and the companies running the program (and pocketing most of their wages). It just screams exploitation to me.

so having $1000 in the pocket every month at 20 yr old after all the AP living expenses are paid is a job that does not require any degree does not seem enough for you? if I had $1000 to spare every month I would certainly able to travel