Therapy session here for bad AP experiences?

[Anonymous]

The au pair stipend is actually calculated based on being paid over minimum wage with an allowance included for room and board. So au pairs ARE actually, per the law, paid more than minimum wage. Plus all that other stuff mentioned earlier.

[Anonymous]

It really is awesome to see someone on here respectfully disagreeing without name-calling or making nasty comments. There are some serious misconceptions, though, as many posters here have previously stated.

I've just welcomed a new OP after my first one proved to be an absolute nightmare. She lied on her application and said she had a full-time job at a daycare in Germany and that she lived by herself. Turns out she worked once a week in a gym that INCLUDED a daycare and she lived with her parents who "left her in charge of the house" while they went to work during the day. This girl had clearly never heard the word "no" before and threw temper tantrums on a regular basis. She screamed at her parents on Skype every afternoon in our living room, so I immediately realized I was going to have a problem. The LCC told me to give her some time. Lemme tell you what "some time" cost me:

Hundreds of dollars in groceries each week because she ate like a trucker and left almost nothing for me and my DS...private hotel rooms every time we left town bc she insisted that she was scared to stay home alone (yet pouted and texted the whole time, ruining our trips)...a ton of takeout and pizza, since she refused to cook, then would leave the receipts in my room to be paid back...extra babysitters because she would pretend to be sick (then i'd see on her facebook page that she was clearly just hungover)...skyrocketed utility bills because she would crank the heat whenever i left the house...a new couch because she dyed her hair on it and spilled blonde paste all over the cushions...CLEANED OUT liquor cabinet courtesy of her and her friends...I'm not even going to mention the gas costs with the car.

So I laugh whenever someone suggests that host families take advantage of au pairs. I'm sure that happens now and then, but there are so many that use the families as free room and board and pay barely any attention to their jobs. Why do you think the program is so popular? And if they're not getting their way or a family wants to get rid of them, the company just finds a new unsuspecting family because they don't want to incur the cost of sending her home.

Though I'll give credit to my amazing LCC who came for a mediation and got the rematch rolling as soon as she realized how bad it was. In the meeting, the AP suggested she should have her own car because some of her friends did (even though driving is not part of her job and we live right near the metro). When I refused, she broke down in tears and told the LCC she wasn't being fed and her mom had to send her food. I just laughed and told the LCC to go into AP's room, which was filled with food wrappers, dirty dishes, etc...all from the last few days. The AP immediately admitted to lying. From that day on, the company was fully on my side and got her (and her boyfriend, who showed up for Christmas) the hell out of my house.

Hoping this one goes better. She has actually held a full-time job and had her own apartment. She's already a huge improvement.

Wow, I wrote a lot. Guess I needed some therapy.

[Anonymous]

Lets not forget, being a host family is a choice.
Au Pair is not a professional nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couldn't have said it better PP!

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder sometimes if it would help me to air my grievances about horrendous AP experiences. By writing it all down, would I be able to let it go? How do you deal with bad/traumatic AP experiences?

Guys, I'm glad the dialog is more respectful than usual... but once again, we have derailed this thread. Let's try to get back on track?

To the OP, I agree with the second poster. I've had mostly very good AP experiences. This is the first year that I have an AP who is really borderline, and I'm scraping to get through the year. I did have one AP who very clearly was not up to the job, and I rematched after 6 weeks. That is my "solution" to the question you ask -- I don't let my AP relationships become "traumatic". (Or if they become traumatic, they're not traumatic for very long).

I try to take seriously the fact that when a young woman moves overseas for a year for me and my family, I am making an obligation to help her make it work -- and to try to get her through the year (even if it is hard). In some ways I view it almost like a marriage -- you're making a commitment to someone to work through the hard parts.

But I've also become extremely realistic that despite my best due diligence, sometimes I am going to make a bad choice. Our 4th au pair was a sweet girl who had NO judgment and was extremely immature. The immaturity would've driven me crazy, but I might have tried to make it work. Fortunately (in hindsight) her judgment was really bad, and I knew it wouldn't work. I can't fix that with hard work on my end. So I ripped off the Band-Aid and put her in rematch. I felt badly, but not for too long. I knew there was really only one right decision.

When I hear some of the horror stories here about APs with bad attitudes, or breaking rules, I honestly wonder why host families put up with that? I wouldn't. I think if I did that and put up with that kind of nonsense for a year, I would definitely feel traumatized, and I would burn out on the au pair program.

[Anonymous]

Luckily I have not had a bad AP experience. Our AP from last year has asked if she could live with us if she can swing a student visa to go to George Mason. We have the space and would love to have her back As she completes her education...which is kinda crazy to me since she gets it free in Germany!

I take a very unconventional approach to the selection process. My main criteria: German, must have held a FT job, must have extensive driving experience. After that I go on my gut. I'm of the philosophy that someone smart, reliable, and responsible can be trained to do just about anything. Sometimes I can't put my finger on exactly why I like or don't like someone...it is just a feeling.

I'm also very direct about exactly what the expectations are. I'm a neat freak and I expect someone who is organized. Very organized. I expect someone to interact with my children. I expect someone to maintain order and discipline. So far I have gotten that. In return, out APs work a 30hrs schedule, no weekends (or first right of refusal for paid weekends), basement room with separate entrance, no curfew, own car, and ALL expenses paid...down to shampoo, all meals (including own grocery shopping), great vacations including out of the country trips, and inclusion in anything we do and often the AP is allowed to bring a friend along to the shorter trips(such as OBX week in the summer).

Yes, we offer great benefits. We also expect a mature girl who is reasonable and logical. We treat her like an adult and in turn we have always gotten that.

[Anonymous]

We have had a few bad experiences, and almost all we were able to deal with. How did I exorcise my feelings? Well, first of all, I clarified things in my family guide book, and I probed on the problematic issues more deeply with candidates that followed. One issue was with an AP who couldn’t put her Internet down. We also had a few APs who abused our car privileges. Again the reaction was to try a few different approaches, and be extremely clear when interviewing and matching.

We had one situation that required a rematch. One AP had what I considered to be debilitating social challenges (perhaps on the spectrum, but not sure she was even aware of this). What this experience taught me is that beyond all the interviewing, I still need to follow my gut. This candidate was great on paper and online communication, but inept socially in real life, and that would have been untenable in our family for one year.

One thing I would mention is that kids are quick to pick up on our bad feelings, and it is important that we don’t let our struggles dictate how they feel about AP. Also, it’s important to be discreet about past APs behaviors. Our kids are older, and very aware of what they like and don’t like in an AP. They can be quick to say: ‘AP so and so was always on her cell phone and ignored us all the time’. But I try to make sure that they share any feelings about previous APs with our family only, not with any of our other Au Pairs, past and present.

Lastly, I want to mention that since our rematch, we have found a wonderful extension AP who has renewed our faith in the program. She is engaged, mature, warm, responsible and respectful. Getting a great AP is the best antidote to bad experiences.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, just thought I'd chime in on your original question. I think when it comes to others caring for your children, it's just a high stakes situation and there's nothing you can do about it - so yes, it can be traumatizing and very upsetting for everyone involved. With an AP, she's living with you and that just ups the personal aspect of it all.

In terms of processing it, I think the agony of deciding whether one more conversation will get things on track or whether you need out now is the hardest part. Once you make you decision and get a new AP, or at least a temp nanny in place to cover the gap, you should feel a bit of relief. If you're not feeling that, then yes find some one to talk it through with. Do you have a good relationship with your LCC? Do you know other AP host families? I've made a lot of friends in the lactation room at my work and we've supported each other when dealing with horrific childcare situations. Find some one sympathetic to hear you out. Take whatever reasonable measure you need to in order to feel at ease with your new childcare situation and reassure yourself that this is not the same.

It gets better!

[Anonymous]

10:54 again - I've also found it helpful to remind myself that people who opt to provide full time childcare are generally doing it out of love for children; they're certainly not doing it for fame or riches. So, yes there are bad apples, and when they're bad it's really bad, but trust that chances are your next selection will be a good one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think we will have to agree to disagree. You've made some good points that I will consider, but I think that while my opinions may not be as well informed as yours, your representation of the program is through rose colored glasses. Everything doesn't always work out as nicely as your represent, not everyone is as fair and rule abiding as yourself, and not everyone has realistic expectations. A lot of APs get royally screwed, and some of them are simply blissfully unaware as to how much. The fact that they continue to come doesn't mean the program is perfect. People swim across oceans, float on tube and rafts, and risk life and limb to get to the US.

I think this is a key point here that deserves some detail. The woman you're responding to is a host mom that has experience with hosting multiple au pairs. This informs her opinions - actual practical experience with the program. You seem to have strong opinions about the program, so it's not out of line to ask you - based on what? Are you a former au pair? A host family member? What exactly is the basis of your opinion of this program?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I think we will have to agree to disagree. You've made some good points that I will consider, but I think that while my opinions may not be as well informed as yours, your representation of the program is through rose colored glasses. Everything doesn't always work out as nicely as your represent, not everyone is as fair and rule abiding as yourself, and not everyone has realistic expectations. A lot of APs get royally screwed, and some of them are simply blissfully unaware as to how much. The fact that they continue to come doesn't mean the program is perfect. People swim across oceans, float on tube and rafts, and risk life and limb to get to the US.

I think this is a key point here that deserves some detail. The woman you're responding to is a host mom that has experience with hosting multiple au pairs. This informs her opinions - actual practical experience with the program. You seem to have strong opinions about the program, so it's not out of line to ask you - based on what? Are you a former au pair? A host family member? What exactly is the basis of your opinion of this program?

I have asked many times. She will never say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: The au pair stipend is actually calculated based on being paid over minimum wage with an allowance included for room and board. So au pairs ARE actually, per the law, paid more than minimum wage. Plus all that other stuff mentioned earlier.

They are not paid over minimum wage. Also, they are not paid OT for all hours over 40.

[Anonymous]

There's a valid reason why the public has such a negative perception of these arrangements. Today at Starbucks I chatted up an 18 year old au pair with three little kids. The poor girl was clearly overwhelmed with her responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a valid reason why the public has such a negative perception of these arrangements. Today at Starbucks I chatted up an 18 year old au pair with three little kids. The poor girl was clearly overwhelmed with her responsibilities.

I don't know many 18yr old APs. Most seem to be in their early 20s. To each their own, but I am a HM, and we only started in the AP program once the kids were in school full time, and we only consider candidates 21+. I would have been uneasy with a younger AP, especially with infants and toddlers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a valid reason why the public has such a negative perception of these arrangements. Today at Starbucks I chatted up an 18 year old au pair with three little kids. The poor girl was clearly overwhelmed with her responsibilities.

18yrs old AP? Odd. How did she get to Starbucks and what country was she from?