Nanny hiring - what are we doing wrong?

[Anonymous]

We have had 3 nannies and none have worked out. I genuinely believe that we are a good family to work for - we pay well, have reasonable hours, good vacation time, paid days off, and both me and DH are very laid back (probably to a fault...sometimes we need to be more direct with our wishes, but we are working on that).

A brief history (though you can skip the details and go straight to the end for the question):

1st nanny: Nanny share with 2 babies. Nanny had big personality which made the babies laugh, but she always tried to leave early or give us 1 day notice for doctor appointments and other activities she couldn't miss, and finally we put our foot down and told her she couldn't leave early the next day to attend her nephew's graduation and she YELLED at us for several minutes while holding one of the babies. In retrospect, I suspect that her glowing references may have been fraudulent.

we switched to in-home daycare which was wonderful. Fast forward several years and I had DD#2 and hired Nanny #2:

2nd nanny: Where the first nanny was loud and boisterous and confident, this nanny was sweet as can be and gentle. She was a great employee - always arrived early, told me about appointments weeks in advance and tried to reschedule our nanny days to accommodate both of our schedules, picked up around the house. But, she was too sweet to manage my 4 year old and she provided no discipline or rules. DD acted out to test boundaries and learned there were none. Also, nanny couldn't juggle both kids at the same time. So, we loved her personally but she wasn't a good fit for our family.

3rd nanny: We tried a young nanny - just 24. She was sweet and fun and creative and came up with all sorts of activities for DD, at first. But after the first few weeks, nanny stopped being proactive. She would still take the girls out to do activities, but only if I micromanaged and gave her a schedule. She was still sweet with the kids, but definitely ws not committed to the job. 6 months later and she's pregnant and I realized she was just biding her time with this nanny job until she could be a stay at home mom.

I don't think any of these nannies had huge red flags (well, maybe the first one in retrospect), but I can't help but worry that it may be a reflection on our own judgment as we've never had a nanny last more than 8 months. Let's hope that we as a family aren't the problem, and accept that we may be a bad judge of an applicant's suitability. I'm now in the process of hiring AGAIN. I'm losing hope that we can find one of these wonderful nannies I read about on these boards that stay with a family for years. Any tips on ensuring the nanny will be a good fit? Great interview questions? Tips on interviewing references? This time I've decided to try a nanny agency as well as continue to interview nannies on my own. At the very least, I'm hopeful that any nanny provided by an agency will at least be professional and committed to her position.

[Anonymous]

Ha. You seem like an uptight witch, overbearing witch. That's why nannies aren't working out.

Honestly, you fired a nanny because she was too sweet? Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Yikes. I'm sorry. Are you looking for more of a professional type, or not so much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha. You seem like an uptight witch, overbearing witch. That's why nannies aren't working out.

Honestly, you fired a nanny because she was too sweet? Wtf.

Sigh. I was hoping I could get at least a few responses before someone chimed in something mean and unhelpful. Yes, the sweet nanny was a sweet person but a terrible nanny to the older child. She had no spine at all. Even she admitted that it wasn't a good fit. I even lined her up a new job as an elder care worker, which she IS a good fit for.

Now, do you have anything constructive to share, or shall you call me a witch again?

[Anonymous]

Don't be discouraged. I was with a family for a long time, and when I started, I was their 3rd nanny. Take your time, and check her references judiciously.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a great employer...I think it's tough to find that perfect person who will fit with your family and be a great employee as well, it's a unique job. Keep looking, give the candidates lots of detailed info about the job and let them know exactly what you want, and then continue to treat them well like the previous nannies.

[Anonymous]

Also, ask questions like how they discipline. I don't think there is anything wrong with talking directly about that. It's an important part of the job to make sure you're compatible.

[Anonymous]

Don't give up hope! Perhaps make a clear, concise list of your wants and expectations. Will help weed through the ones who won't work out for your family.

[Anonymous]

OP, YOU are the common denominator so look at yourself. This is not being mean.

[Anonymous]

We have had some unfortunate experiences as well, but also some amazing nannies.

When things have gone wrong, I've realised in retrospect that it was due to poor judgement on my part to some extent, e.g. not checking references properly, taking letters of reference at face value, not asking referees enough questions. Once I realised after the fact that the former employer had said something over the phone that I should have asked about even if meant calling back.

Also, be a tough interviewer. Sometimes I will refer to an issue with a previous nanny to illustrate why I'm asking a specific question, e.g. we had one who said she ate anything and liked to cook, when it turned out she had an eating disorder, was lactose intolerant, never ate vegetables and didn't know how to make a salad, and all she ever ate was lean cuisines. Make up scenarios or use things that have actually happened and ask how they would handle it, e.g. to do with safety or discipline.

Have more than one interview, and have at least a half day trial with the kids.

Also, put absolutely everything in writing, even if you're afraid it makes you look a little nuts! The truly great nannies will appreciate your attention to detail when it comes to setting out your expectations.

[Anonymous]

I was going to respond last night but thought you'd get more helpful info from others. If I had known the idiots upthread were going to respond, I wouldn't have deleted my response.

In a nutshell, I am 40 and nannying is a career change for me. I have been nannying full time for about 5 yrs or so. I think what worked well for me is confidence and I have a lot of confidence because I am older and because I've had a lot of different kinds of jobs over the years. I've worked in different kinds of environments both male and female dominated. I think that confidence and work experience transferred well to being a nanny because I have to work independently and be a self starter but also respect the fact the parents have jobs they need to be at so I need to be on time and reliable and able to problem solve on my own.

So, I guess my two cents is you need to find a nanny with a can do attitude, who has lots of work experience and common sense. I didn't have any nannying experience, nor do I have children so I wouldn't rule out someone who doesn't have hands on experience (I do have 26 nieces and nephews and babysat a ton in high school so it's not like I had never been around a child) but look for someone who is willing to learn. I have a shelf of books on child development and activities. I read online. I try to keep learning. But mostly I am confident and it has worked well for me.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if you need nannies with more experience? If I were you, I'd aim for a nanny that's in their late 20's or older. These little girls are so immature and insist they're not.

Also, make sure you're very good at communication. If something small comes up, address it right away. Don't let things go because you're trying to be an easy boss or it's not a huge deal. 5 tiny things all together are a big deal. Have firm, clear communication. "Jazmyn, when you put the baby's clothes away please make sure they're neat in the drawers. Lately I've been finding everything just shoved in and it's all a jumbled mess. We'd like it to be organized for the next person opening the drawer. Please fix it today during the baby's nap."

[Anonymous]

I would look for a nanny who is a bit older. They are more experienced and not as likely to flake out on you. As another poster said, do a trial day or 2. You can get a better idea if the nanny will be a good fit. And the poster also mentioned asking more in-depth questions during the interview. Ask specific questions like what you would do with a 3 year old who refuses to use the bathroom? Or a 5 year old who doesn't want to play with other children?...etc...etc...
Sometimes, jobs just are not good fit for people and we can try to interview as best as possible, but you never know. I had a job once where I worked for, what I thought was a sweet woman, but when she yelled at me and blamed me when the family car broke down (they had not had it serviced in quite some time), I knew this was not the type of person I wanted to work for anymore.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you need an older nanny per se, but you want a professional--at least 3 references, at least two of those for longer than 3 years. You want someone who brings up issues with you and who is comfortable with an extremely clear and detail contract. Agree that asking interviewees to give concrete examples and asking about a wide range of issues is key. "Has a child in your care ever suffered a medical emergency? How did you handle it?"
"How would you handle a tantrum in a two-year-old?"
"How would you juggle a preschooler and a toddler at a park? At a museum?"
"What are some activities you enjoy doing with a child this age?"
"If you were concerned about my child's development in X area, how would you raise that issue with us?"
"How do you like to be given feedback? Give an example of a time when an employer offerred feedback in a way that was helpful to you."

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't necessarily think the problem is you, although it may be that you need to be more discerning in the search.

Think about you non-negotiables vs the "nice to have" things. For instance, must haves might be:

- experience handling multiple children, including ages of 1 and 4 (or whatever ages your kids are currently)
- experience handling discipline of the sort that you wish used in your household
- ability to care appropriately for different age kids, inclusive of transporting to activities, play dates, preschool, etc...
- minimum of two excellent references from families with children she cared for at ages similar to yours
- demonstrable reliability in tenure of positions
- willing to do laundry and maintenance of kids' sleeping, playing, and eating areas

And so on...

Nice to have things might be:
- interest/experience in activities that you want your child(ren) exposed to
- degrees or training in child education
- sense of humor/personal "click" with you
- shared communication style (if you really want a nanny with whom you can routinely be in email contact for instance)
- whatever transportation needs you might have

Then write the job description based on your ideal candidate. I wouldn't ever interview someone in a way that's driven by prior failures (that isn't an especially appealing approach if you're the applicant) but rather from the perspective of what you think will be the best fit for your family. The more clear you are on what you need, the better able you will be to screen and interview candidates.

Also, use your neighbors, friends, social networks, etc... to get the word out that you're looking, and what you're looking for - my best candidates came from word of mouth referrals.

Good luck!