Horrible upbringing, did I miss the boat? (long)

[Anonymous]

I know there are a lot of haters on this forum but I'd like to put out there that I'm really needing some positive, supportive advice and would appreciate not being flamed. I'm not sure what to do.

I really want to work with kids. It comes naturally to me, I connect and communicate with them easily and very young ones are always drawn to me in the supermarket or at the park or wherever I am. I just feel like it's my calling but my background doesn't support it. I don't mean to go into too much detail, but I don't know how to get the advice I need without laying it out.

I was raised in a very unusual way. My mom belonged to a cult and I grew up totally isolated and sheltered from the world. I was emotionally abused and mentally neglected. I did go to school, but because I was so different, I was bullied mercilessly. I dropped out before high school and my mom lied for me, saying she was home-schooling me. I had no idea what effect the choices I made would have on my future, no one talked to me about college or working and my mom, who was the only adult role-model in my life, lived off of the government and stayed home. She raised me to be appealing and had no question in her mind that I would grow up to land a rich husband and be taken care of, the end.

In my teens I realized eventually that my mom was mentally ill and that my life wasn't heading in the direction I wanted. I studied my butt off and earned my GED. I wanted to go to college, which wasn't my mom's plan for me, so she ended up kicking me out. I went to live with my boyfriend (who had bee the one to encourage me to get my GED) but he became verbally abusive only a few months after I was living with him. I ended up relationship hopping for a couple of years, in total survival mode, just staying with whoever would care for me until it stopped working out. At one point I became homeless for a while, not sure I would have been able to get off the street if I hadn't met my last boyfriend. I've always been totally anti-drug, no drinking, didn't have any of the usual reasons for being homeless, I just had very poor life skills.

My most recent boyfriend was really cool. He convinced me to get into therapy and even paid for it. I applied for financial aid at the local college and got in, so I started taking child development classes. I'm in my mid-20s and am only now really starting to figure out how the world works, how to be social with my peers, and the more I think about it the more I'm sure I want to be able to support myself and not be dependent on others to take care of me. I broke up with my boyfriend, which was so hard to do. He's a great guy but I've never been single since I left my mom. So now we're close friends. I got a tiny studio for myself and am living off of student loans, but I'm really scared about building up too much debt and I want to start working. The clearest choice to me is to become a nanny. I love the idea of spending my time with a little kid or two rather than a huge group, just playing and learning, and I know I would be really good at following a parent's rules with things like discipline and parenting styles. I just don't have any experience.. and it's donning on me that being in your mid-20s without ANY previous work history is very hard to explain. I think my past would make me seem weird or sketchy, but I'm really not, just a bit shy maybe. I'm proud of myself for getting this far, when I think of where my life could be if I stayed with my mom.. but I can't really expect anyone else to appreciate my situation, can I?

Where would you start?

[Anonymous]

Well 1. There is no need to go into all that back story when someone asks you why you have no work experience

2. The best way to get experience now is by babysitting. Do you have any friends with kids? Any professors you know well? Church or other organization where you know people?

3. You might have to suck it up for awhile and do a day care type of situation in order to get experience.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I didn't intend to go into detail on my personal history during an interview, but am also not comfortable with lying and don't really know a socially acceptable way to explain myself.

Another unfortunate part of my life experience is.. I'm sort of socially awkward. I think in more of a cute way than a creepy way, but it's hard for me to really know what to say in social situations.. so no, I don't have hardly any friends and no one with kids or any teachers I've gotten close to. I'm working on becoming less isolated but so far have really nailed the 'quiet, studious student' bit.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the previous poster. You might want to try working in a daycare first or babysitting for some friends.

Maybe some of your professors at school could give you some guidance as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I didn't intend to go into detail on my personal history during an interview, but am also not comfortable with lying and don't really know a socially acceptable way to explain myself.

Another unfortunate part of my life experience is.. I'm sort of socially awkward. I think in more of a cute way than a creepy way, but it's hard for me to really know what to say in social situations.. so no, I don't have hardly any friends and no one with kids or any teachers I've gotten close to. I'm working on becoming less isolated but so far have really nailed the 'quiet, studious student' bit.

PP here. You can just leave it with something along the lines of "I had a different childhood and moved around". Not a total lie. I would discuss this with your therapist as well, but it sounds like a day care or preschool might be a good way to start. It will help get you out or you shell since you might have difficulty having a one on one boss if you are shy and socially awkward. As a first time nanny with no experience, it unfortunately makes you an easy mark for the bad bosses out there and you need to be able to stand up for yourself. Even more experienced MBs like myself make errors from time to time and the only reason I have been able to keep nannies is because of open communication. Difficult to do if you are shy and have difficulty reading cues. I'm not trying to be mean at all. Just all things to think about and discuss with your therapist.

[Anonymous]

don't mention anything about your childhood. it will look bad.

[Anonymous]

Op I would definitely start working in an environment where there are other child care providers first. That way you can see them modeling what to do and you have other adults to bounce ideas off of and to ask questions. Nannying puts you alone with children, and given how inexperienced you are and the lack of normal parenting modeling you have had, I don't think that is the best idea. You may down the road make a great nanny but I wouldn't start there given your background. I think you need experienced coworkers first who can guide you and share their expertise with you.

[Anonymous]

How far along are you in college? I want to encourage you to keep going and get your degree. You will be able to break this cycle and create stability for yourself with a formal education and a stable career.

In the meantime, apply for nanny jobs if that's what you want to do to help pay the bills. You will be up against more experienced nannies for higher paying jobs but you can certainly start out with something lower paying. As long as you have a clean driving record and no criminal history, you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the thoughtful reply. I didn't intend to go into detail on my personal history during an interview, but am also not comfortable with lying and don't really know a socially acceptable way to explain myself.

Another unfortunate part of my life experience is.. I'm sort of socially awkward. I think in more of a cute way than a creepy way, but it's hard for me to really know what to say in social situations.. so no, I don't have hardly any friends and no one with kids or any teachers I've gotten close to. I'm working on becoming less isolated but so far have really nailed the 'quiet, studious student' bit.

Mom Boss here. What you need is for somebody to help you with practice interviews. Go to your adviser (you have one - poke around at school to find out who it is) and say that you need help with readying yourself to get a job. Your college should have a job placement office where they can help you with resumes, interviews, etc. Ask if there is a daycare center on campus and if so, go ask them what you need to do to volunteer or work there.

Your response for why you have no work experience is "I was not being raised to seek employment, but have come to the realization that wasn't in my best interests. I'm trying to make up for lost time now." or something like that. OP, when you get a job, get a contract. Don't be one of those schmucks who is so grateful to have landed a job that they don't insist on a contract and get taken advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree with the wording that 21:30 said. At worst, they'll think you were raised in a controlling/sheltered/abusive type of environment. At best, they'll think you were raised in a trust fund family. Either way, it comes across that you want to do better for yourself and you honestly want to work.

[Anonymous]

Thank you so much for all the advice. I'm really glad everyone's being so friendly and helpful. It makes me tear up a little to get such support from strangers on the internet. Now that I've thought about it, even though it makes me nervous, a daycare is probably the better place for me to start out. I will look into those work resources at my school. Also, the wording from 21:30 is very very helpful to me. Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

No advice to add, but just wanted to tell you that I know an awesome nanny who has a very similar background to yours. She basically grew up in a cult overseas.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I also had a challenging upbringing. Functional addicts for parents. I would love to help. You can email me at [e-mail]

If you chose not to email good luck with your search. I'm sure you will do fine!

[Anonymous]

NF don't want to know about your past and I am saying this kindly...dont disclose this...no one will hire you because they will worry about mental stability.work this out in therapy.i was molested as a child..I am a great nanny! I have worked really hard in therapy to get over my past...you have to separate...work is work.volunteer to get experience...

[Anonymous]

If you don't know much about the world a daycare or preschool job will be a safer and more educational start for you. Nannies who don't have experience with contracts or taxes are probably going o be taken advantage of one way or another. Just look at all the frustration of nannies on this board; from not being paid for each hour you work, to holidays and sick pay there is so much negotiating for nannies. A daycare or preschool job will follow the law and provide these things without taking advantage of you the way even nice, well meaning families probably will.
You should let people who interview you know that you were raised very isolated and your mom suffers from mental illness and you've spent your teenage years caring for her instead of working on your life and following your dreams, and now your working on you! You can let people know after they trust you about the cult because for many it is creepy and not cute. Mental illness in your family is something that many people deal with and being honest about it will cause people to be more understanding about your situation. Best luck in life, and here in California it's not all that uncommon to have been brought up in a cult and come out of it a freethinking and independent adult, but as you know it's a lot of work and soul-searching.