Nanny seems unhappy, moody

[Anonymous]

Our nanny has been working with us since the start of the summer and she seems unhappy and I am unsure how to best address it. Due to her hours and my schedule we don't spend a lot of time overlapping but when I do I ask her regularly how she is doing and if everything is going OK. She always says everything is good and she will smile and tell me a funny story about the kids and seem happy in that moment.

But in general her overall body language and attitude around me and my husband would indicate she is not actually that happy with us. When she arrives each day she almost never smiles, does not say hello and will not actually look at me when she comes in and I am leaving. It is becoming quite overt that she does not want to look at me when she starts works and seems to prefer to not talk to me in the mornings. She often leaves before I get home but on the days we overlap in the evening she does not share any information about the day she just seems to want to leave as quickly as possible or if I am around much earlier than her leaving time she tidies in a part of the house that is away from me. My husbands schedule is more flexible so he is around more. We both feel that she is lovely with the kids but he feels she can be very moody and opinionated (in the short time she has worked with us we have had at least a few conversations where she did not repond to me and just rolls her eyes and stared).

On at least a few occassions when she has seen me and I have asked about her day she has not said much and then left and later sent long text messages about how badly behaved the kids were that day but she has not wanted to talk to me in person. I am not at all deluded that my children are angels and I know when and how they can be difficult and what sets them off. So I am not afraid to hear this info and welcome chatting about it so we can agree a strategy.

Other days she seems very happy and natural and chatty with me. We really are confused about whether she just may not like us (the parents), or if the kids are not the little people she hoped to be around (she does seem to have a good relationship with them and they seem happy too). Other moms see her and say she is great with them and always smiling and happy and chatting with other moms and nannies and gets along well when she is out and about.

We think she is a lovely with the kids and if the kids are happy and well cared for I do not think this needs to be about someone personally liking me but I do care if my nanny is genuinely unhappy with us and ideally want to know why and see if we can work it out, but from our experience so far it does not seem like she really wants to talk directly to us about whatever could be bothering her. And if in fact she just does not like us as people for some reason, when does that start to impact her care of our children?

Anyone have an experience like this and have any suggestions?

[Anonymous]

OP, that sounds very odd. If I asked my nanny how the day was, and she said nothing, but later sent me a long text message about how badly behaved the kids were, I would most definitely take that as a huge red flag that at least something was wrong. I would tell her that you plan to be home an early tomorrow and if she would please join you away from the kids to talk about the issues - bring up the text, say you've noticed she seems unhappy and then listen.

[Anonymous]

I'm not always a morning person and it takes me a little bit to perk up. I've also have had some horrible days where the children were little demons and I couldn't wait to leave the house just so I could think clearly. So I don't find that part of her behavior odd. Maybe she just doesn't do well with ppl she doesn't know? You are never around so it could be hard for her to develop a bond with you.

Also some ppl just get a long better with children. I have a ton of patience for children but most adults get on my nerves, especially women. That might just be my character flaw, but it's never impacted the care I provide the children I care for.

[Anonymous]

OP here - I did address the content of the text that night (responding with feedback on how I would have handled it) and the next day in person. Any indication of my kids not behaving I addressed and wanted to discuss immediately and agree on how to discipline / redirect the behavior. We did that - it was one of those days where she did not seem uncomfortable talking to me or at least I knew the discussion was important so I made sure we had it.

But we did not discuss the way in which the issue was raised. I put it down to her really wanting to get home and then once she was home she then wanted to flag it with me. It would have been better if it had been raised in person but I let that go and assumed it was mostly out of convenience / timing issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I did address the content of the text that night (responding with feedback on how I would have handled it) and the next day in person. Any indication of my kids not behaving I addressed and wanted to discuss immediately and agree on how to discipline / redirect the behavior. We did that - it was one of those days where she did not seem uncomfortable talking to me or at least I knew the discussion was important so I made sure we had it.

But we did not discuss the way in which the issue was raised. I put it down to her really wanting to get home and then once she was home she then wanted to flag it with me. It would have been better if it had been raised in person but I let that go and assumed it was mostly out of convenience / timing issues.

Ok, so maybe she just isn't a chatty person. Do you have any reason to believe she's not performing well with the kids? If not, then just keep an eye on it and maybe check in to see if there's something you could improve for her as she gets more experience with you?

[Anonymous]

are there really adults who think its ok to turn up at work in someone's home (or an office or anywhere else) and not say hello to their employer? the moody morning person is one thing and not being overly chatty is fine but isn't some of this behavior just a lack of basic manners? Even if there is some problem.

[Anonymous]

Are you building in time to talk to her, or showing up exactly at her end time and expecting a run down of the day?

[Anonymous]

OP Here: it is a mix, many days she leaves before I get home from work, some days I am there around her end time and some days earlier. I do not expect a full run down of her day at the expense of her own personal time. I am conscious she wants to get home to her own family.

[Anonymous]

Have you said to your nanny that you really value the opportunity to check in with her face-to-face and would she be comfortable doing that on Fridays before you leave in the morning? What did she say?

I can't explain her withdrawn attitude - maybe she's an EXTREME introvert, maybe she thinks you don't like her, maybe she really is unhappy - but she can't read your mind either. I have what I think is a very good relationship with both of my bosses and I still never know how quickly they want me to clear out in the afternoons (they need to decompress too!) or if they want me to stay and give a detailed run down of the day. If you tell her what you want/need, as her boss, and she resists a reasonable request, that's when you have a problem. Setting up a weekly or bi-weekly check-in is a good idea because it gives you both a time solely dedicated to discussing any issues that have arisen. It can be easier on both sides to bring up a concern if you know you're both ready for the conversation - I never want to tell my MB that we had a bad day when she's just walking in from her own long day, you know?

[Anonymous]

I'm trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she sounds like a brat.

Is it a monthly thing? Maybe extreme PMS?
Could she be having family issues she doesn't want to trouble you with?

[Anonymous]

How do the kids act when you are around OP? If it goes into meltdown, chaos mode when you show up that could be the problem. It is frustrating for a nanny who has worked with kids to be kind, listen, help out (sometimes at the parents request) and then the parents arrive and it all goes to pot. She would then tie the frustrations with you and likely avoid you some. Not saying hello is really strange, at least she could say it and then disappear to another part of the house!

[Anonymous]

Kids are in school and generally don't melt down when a parent appears. I make a point of leaving work stress behind when I arrive home and I am fortunate that my kids are usually upbeat and excited to tell me about their day. It's usually a pretty nice time of day for us.

[Anonymous]

I don't know - a good nanny needs to be a part of the parenting team and a key part of that is communication. If she's barely talking to you, I am not sure how you are achieving that (and I don't consider text the appropriate medium for serious conversations about anything). Also, you nanny should be modeling good behavior and manners to your children - I find it bizarre that anyone would think it's okay to be in someone else's home and say nothing, not make eye contact, roll eyes, etc. At the very least, even if she just doesn't like you for whatever reason, she should be polite.

I think you need to sit her down and have a very clear conversation about what is going on with her and how you can improve the situation to improve her communication. Does she need an extra ten minutes on the clock on either end of the day to chat? Does she keep a detailed log? If so, what are the things she can track in the log vs. the things you would prefer her to discuss in person?

I'd say that if it doesn't improve soon, you need to find a nanny that is a better fit. There are a lot of nannies who will be great with your kids. Honestly though, the way you are describing her behavior, I have to assume she's already looking for another job that is a better fit for her for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know - a good nanny needs to be a part of the parenting team and a key part of that is communication. If she's barely talking to you, I am not sure how you are achieving that (and I don't consider text the appropriate medium for serious conversations about anything). Also, you nanny should be modeling good behavior and manners to your children - I find it bizarre that anyone would think it's okay to be in someone else's home and say nothing, not make eye contact, roll eyes, etc. At the very least, even if she just doesn't like you for whatever reason, she should be polite.

I think you need to sit her down and have a very clear conversation about what is going on with her and how you can improve the situation to improve her communication. Does she need an extra ten minutes on the clock on either end of the day to chat? Does she keep a detailed log? If so, what are the things she can track in the log vs. the things you would prefer her to discuss in person?

I'd say that if it doesn't improve soon, you need to find a nanny that is a better fit. There are a lot of nannies who will be great with your kids. Honestly though, the way you are describing her behavior, I have to assume she's already looking for another job that is a better fit for her for whatever reason.

I agree with this. OP, unless you're just trying to see things that aren't there, if she's not going to communicate with you, then you're going to have to assume that saying nothing and communicating via frustrated texts is going to be it from her. Not acceptable for someone that's supposed to be part of your parenting team. Sit her down, have that clear conversation, and if she still can't communicate, then perhaps it's not a good fit for either of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know - a good nanny needs to be a part of the parenting team and a key part of that is communication. If she's barely talking to you, I am not sure how you are achieving that (and I don't consider text the appropriate medium for serious conversations about anything). Also, you nanny should be modeling good behavior and manners to your children - I find it bizarre that anyone would think it's okay to be in someone else's home and say nothing, not make eye contact, roll eyes, etc. At the very least, even if she just doesn't like you for whatever reason, she should be polite.

I think you need to sit her down and have a very clear conversation about what is going on with her and how you can improve the situation to improve her communication. Does she need an extra ten minutes on the clock on either end of the day to chat? Does she keep a detailed log? If so, what are the things she can track in the log vs. the things you would prefer her to discuss in person?

I'd say that if it doesn't improve soon, you need to find a nanny that is a better fit. There are a lot of nannies who will be great with your kids. Honestly though, the way you are describing her behavior, I have to assume she's already looking for another job that is a better fit for her for whatever reason.

I agree with this. OP, unless you're just trying to see things that aren't there, if she's not going to communicate with you, then you're going to have to assume that saying nothing and communicating via frustrated texts is going to be it from her. Not acceptable for someone that's supposed to be part of your parenting team. Sit her down, have that clear conversation, and if she still can't communicate, then perhaps it's not a good fit for either of you.

MB here. I agree w/ both of these posters.

Do not diminish the importance of your (and your husband's) connection with the nanny. The parents and the nanny need to be a team in managing care for the kids, discipline, activities, nutrition, etc... Obviously her relationship with your children is paramount, but her ability to communicate effectively with you, carry out your wishes/preferences as stated, talk with you about behavior she is seeing and managing, and potentialyl make important decisions about your kids (what if someone is injured, has an incident on a playground, etc...) on the spur of the moment that you will be comfortable with is at least as important as whether she's "lovely with the kids".

Her inability, or reluctance/unwillingness to communicate well with you would be a deal breaker for me. I think you need a very serious conversation with her, in the context of effective communication being a non-negotiable and non-existent thus far in your relationship. She may well be looking for something else. I, frankly, think you should be looking for a replacement also. THis is a situation where when you have a better solution in place you won't be able to imagine how long you put up with these aggravations.

Are you a boss in your workplace? Would you tolerate or excuse this kind of behavior there? Don't forget that you are the employer in this scenario also.