Choosing an au pair for first time

[Anonymous]

We are selecting an au pair for the first time. I've found some of the au pairs have more babysitting experience than others, and some have more experience in child care or kindergarten type settings (some German au pairs).
Which do you find is better experience to have - in home/babysitting for families and undersranding that dynamic or babysitting in child care/kindergarten settings where they have to manage a lot of kids, have specific training, etc?
Also, What about an su pair who asks about curfews and use of cars on the first call? Thanks!!

[Anonymous]

What are your family's needs?

[Anonymous]

OP, have you checked out aupairmom.com? It sounds like you need a lot more thinking about your interview strategy! Be serious about this and don't be afraid to ask tons of questions. You want to take your time and find someone perfect.

Someone that is asking about curfew and use of cars on the first call is disqualified immediately. Not that they shouldn't care at all, but if that's their first thought, they are not a good match. You want someone that is looking first and foremost for a great family. Actually, we put curfew and car use and friend policy and those types of things in our letter so that no one would have to awkwardly ask and anyone who was completely focused on having their own car (we share one) could just not reply.

As for experience, I personally don't even talk to anyone who doesn't have full-time job experience. Doesn't necessarily have to be with kids, but if you get a 19 year old who has only ever babysat on the weekends, you will regret it. The German APs that have lots of kindergarten experience area great, but there are some that have just a week or there, and that's pretty useless. Don't count any experience that is with a sibling or family member. Think about what it will mean if you are asking someone who has only ever babysit a few hours on a weekend to watch a child 45 hours a week.

Take your time. Write down your "standards" before you even start and don't deviate just because someone seems nice.

[Anonymous]

Another recommendation to check out aupairmom.com and also to take your time and take very seriously the matching process.

But our experience is different than 20:25's, in that we DO hire APs who are 19 yrs old Germans and only have babysitting experience or experience taking care of siblings and cousins, provided that they are smart, proactive, and very ambitious. Our children are 7 and 11, and the 7 yr old has special needs, but we have found that the APs who work best with us are people who are ready and willing to learn and have very proactive and flexible natures. Our APs work very hard when they are working but don't work more than 25 hrs/week. As another mom on APM once wrote, we hire for attitude and train for skill, and this approach has worked well for us.

So there are APs for everyone with all kinds of experience, and you need to figure out what YOU need and go out and seek it actively. The best thing you can do is sit down and think (and write out) very, very clearly about what your lines in the sand are, what you are asking of your AP (in our case, we ask for involved interaction just a few hours a day, and the rest is "care taking" in the form of driving, preparing meals, waiting outside therapy appointments and swim practices, etc), and what you absolutely need in terms of personality (we do best with direct not shy, extremely social, very independent, etc). I am happy with a party-hearty AP and couldn't care less if she goes out 7 nights a week, provided she is ON with my children the brief hours each day she needs to. So figure out what YOU want and need and then be clear about it.

I wasted a lot of time in my early years as a HM (we're on year seven) expecting APs to figure out what I wanted, expecting them to know how to do our job just because they had experience (we had former nannies, former kindergarten teachers, etc). but you know what? experience in a kindergarten in Costa Rica does not necessarily prepare them to work in MY house, so the best thing I learned was to tell and show, very clearly and explicitly, what i wanted and needed and then to have someone who was smart and proactive enough to do what I asked - and then find her own ways that worked better for her, once she knew us and our job well enough to expand and extrapolate.

Good luck, OP. It's very exciting and can be very rewarding hosting APs, but it can also be exhausting, so figuring out what you want will help you minimize some unnecessary work down the road.

[Anonymous]

Another perspective.

I only hire older APs.

I would NOT be put off by an AP who asks about curfew and use of a car. She may be from a country with a very active AP network and they know what it means to have a curfew and be stuck without a car. So she knows what she wants -- a good thing. I personally would never accept a curfew or work for a family that doesn't give me fairly free use of a car.

I also don't care if my AP goes out every night, as long as she is ON for my kids when she is workings, as the PP said. Again, I only hold my AP to the same standard I would hold myself. I don't expect more of my AP than I would do.

My current AP goes out a lot, almost every night, but does not drink, and is defintely on for my kids. In fact, she does so many fun and creative things with my kids that I have asked her to tone it down because they now expect me to do the same thing,

I do not put a lot of stock in prior experience because it can be embellished. As someone above said, you want the right personality, level of energy, and ambition.

I just clicked immediately with my AP. It is a gut feeling. Personally, I do think that having an AP with really really good English is important. It makes it that much easier to have a really good relationship.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP here- wow. Thanks for all the good thoughts. There are so many layers that it helps to try to break it down. I do agree that attitude/personality and fit are critical, but I also don't want them to be unfamiliar with what it takes to care for young children more than a few hours a week. We have two active boys and need someone energetic and fun who can help with after school/preschool, etc. Thanks, again!

[Anonymous]

How do you assess attitude, especially when these girls usually have limited English skills and their applications are often quite scripted?

[Anonymous]

IMHO, after 6 Au Pairs, choosing is a crap shoot!
First, I looked for experience and took a transition. She left and went off the grid after the first weekend (BTW, apparently had a BF in FL!)
Next was an older, more mature, nurses aide - eating disorder, complusive liar and thief. Sent home in the 11th month.
Next, looked for more comparable child care experience (caring long hours for kids same age as mine). Turns out that experience (along with driving) were totally fabricated. I guess some people have no compunction about lying for others' references! AND beware of the fact that you can BUY a DL in MANY countries, no test needed!
Next, chose a young women who had been an AP in the UK, had a HM I could speak to, in English, who was Indian, so hopefully not a lying relative. Got rave reviews. Apparently, she cleaned up after the filthy HM and acted as a chauffer for over-scheduled 13 yr old boy, so no interest in actually interacting with kids (oh and BTW, in the UK they only work 25 hours per week - so guess who was pissed about working 45?)
Next looked for someone with goals (college-prep/gymnasium) and evidence of applying herself (14 years of serious ballet) and experience with younger children (taught ballet petite, had a little sister). Turns out she barely graduated, was only in ballet due to control freak mother, had no interest in kids either!
So now, chose someone who worked a full time job in addition to going to school, has a little sister who she spontaneously raves about and plays serious soccer. Trying again to see if we can get this right. THings are actually going well but I have also changed my methods radically. I have decided to micromanage the shit out of our APs. It's not pleasant for her or me, but every time I want something done a certain way and it's not, I point it out on the spot. I send emails several times a week detailing evert aspect. I actually do think this AP is more together than the past ones, but I'm not giving her a chance to show me she is not!

[Anonymous]

I've had 2 German APs on the younger side (18 & 20). An observation (not sure how scientific this is!):

Not that I'd look for a "broken home" specifically, but I will say that the AP whose parents were divorced (and therefore, money & parental time tighter), despite having never lived away from home, had played a more active role in household chores and it came more automatically to her to help out. She also I think quite frankly she appreciated the AP stipend more in that it gave her independence to spend her own money in a way she hadn't been able to before. I think this made her value the entire AP experience more.

When interviewing in the future - particularly with a younger AP - I would ask very specifically about what household chores they do around the house. Do they do their own laundry? Do they do any shopping? cleaning? Even if you are not going to be requiring them to do much of this in your home, I think an appreciation for all that the host parents are doing (what it takes to organize food shopping, meals, cooking, etc.) is helpful and conducive to a "helping out" relationship versus a needing-to-be-specifically-assigned-each-and-every-task relationship.

[Anonymous]

Dear 08/26/2013 12:33 - Why on Earth do you keep taking au pairs? Why not try a nanny?

[Anonymous]

Another question for 08/26/2013 12:33 ... What agency or agencies have you worked with? It seems like they're doing a pretty bad job vetting. But I wonder if they're any worse than the other agencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear 08/26/2013 12:33 - Why on Earth do you keep taking au pairs? Why not try a nanny?

That was my thought after reading that post. Jeez! We had one Extraordinaire who was awesome. Now we have a so-so regular au pair and after our one bad year, we're not trying again. We matched with another Extraordinaire for next year, but if that doesn't work, we're leaving the program and going back to daycare and before/after care. I can't imagine trying and failing over and over and over and not just giving up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've had 2 German APs on the younger side (18 & 20). An observation (not sure how scientific this is!):

Not that I'd look for a "broken home" specifically, but I will say that the AP whose parents were divorced (and therefore, money & parental time tighter), despite having never lived away from home, had played a more active role in household chores and it came more automatically to her to help out. She also I think quite frankly she appreciated the AP stipend more in that it gave her independence to spend her own money in a way she hadn't been able to before. I think this made her value the entire AP experience more.

When interviewing in the future - particularly with a younger AP - I would ask very specifically about what household chores they do around the house. Do they do their own laundry? Do they do any shopping? cleaning? Even if you are not going to be requiring them to do much of this in your home, I think an appreciation for all that the host parents are doing (what it takes to organize food shopping, meals, cooking, etc.) is helpful and conducive to a "helping out" relationship versus a needing-to-be-specifically-assigned-each-and-every-task relationship.

Obviously the plural of anecdote is not data, but for what it's worth, we have an only child au pair raised by a single mom and she has all the traits you'd stereotypically think an only child with no father in her life would have (awful to say, but she fits the stereotypes 100%). She's boy crazy, doesn't value family, has trouble sharing or recognizing when other people have needs that need to take precedent, doesn't lift a finger around the house (her mom did everything), etc.

But I completely agree about asking whether candidates had an active role in household chores. Our current au pair obviously didn't have to do anything at home. We don't even have any chores that we require our au pair to do (she doesn't even do the kids' laundry, for example), but it's obvious that she has no idea how much time and money it takes to run a household. In the beginning, she would leave her dinner plates on the sink and run upstairs after I had cooked everyone dinner. Acted a bit miffed that I wanted her to put her dishes in the dishwasher and at least ask if she could do anything before running away. Of course, like all of them, she stated that she is a very clean and organized person and that she did chores at home. Don't take that for granted - ask what they do at home and how work is shared in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear 08/26/2013 12:33 - Why on Earth do you keep taking au pairs? Why not try a nanny?

I need split childcare and occasionally someone on call at night to cover. Money isn't a big deal, but try finding a professional nanny who is willing to work that kind of schedule! LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another question for 08/26/2013 12:33 ... What agency or agencies have you worked with? It seems like they're doing a pretty bad job vetting. But I wonder if they're any worse than the other agencies.

AP and CC. Universally, I don't think it matters. All the overseas "partners" coach the AP on what to put on their application and where they should lie. Any honest AP (one already here or finsihed with her year) will verify this. "Don't tell them you smoke, you need more childcare hours, say your SN willing, ETC"