newbie HM in need of advice

[Anonymous]

I am trying to craft our household handbook, and I have a few questions. What is a typical weeknight curfew for an au pair? I don't want to be waiting up late to see if she's home (which I know I don't have to do, but until we get used to having someone coming in/out of the house at night I think I will have trouble falling asleep), but I also don't want to be overly restrictive. Also, what should I expect in terms of her social life -- I know this can vary wildly, but I am interested to hear in others' experiences in terms of whether or not their au pairs go out ever night to meet with friends or just occasionally or somewhere inbetween! If it is occasionally, maybe I am ok with a night or two or not being able to fall asleep until later...

[Anonymous]

What time do you usually go to sleep?

[Anonymous]

OP here -- 10/10:30

[Anonymous]

How do you feel about leaving the space blank until you have a discussion with her first. It seems to me, the more you're able to treat her like an adult, the more she'll act like one. Of course there are always exceptions. How would you feel in her shoes?

[Anonymous]

We don't have a "curfew" per se but we ask her to think about how much sleep she needs to be able to do her job well in the morning and to make sure she comes home in time to get that much sleep on a work night. If she wakes us coming in or we notice that she is oversleeping, not able to function, etc, then we pointedly reserve the right to instatute a curfew as needed. On weekends, we ask her to let us know if she is not coming home so we can set the alarm when we go to bed and also so that we don't worry about her. We do have a car curfew (midnight) on all nights.

As for what to expect - we've had an AP that NEVER went out almost the entire year and another who went out every single night and was gone the entire weekend every weekend. Most were somewhere in between. You either have to decide you don't care, or talk to her about it up front and let her know what your limits are. I really felt like the daily go-er-outer was not even remotely part of the family. She never joined us for family outings on the weekend, friday night dinners out, even skipped the kids birthday parties. In the end, none of us even seemed to notice she was gone. Sort of sad...

[Anonymous]

We had young APs and only had a curfew on nights where she was expected to work in the morning. The curfew was 8 hours before her shift was to start. So, if she's on duty at 7am on Tuesday morning, we expect her to be home by 11pm Monday night. But if she had Tuesday off, she could come in whenever she pleased. Our APs weren't all night party people, so even when they weren't on duty, I never had an AP stay out past 1am. Which is late, for me, but not so much if you're 23.

[Anonymous]

We've never had a curfew, but we also only hire au pairs over 21/22 because we don't want to deal with teenager-abroad-gone-amok issues. We say to all of our au pairs, "we expect you to be ready for work, on time, same as any other job. We don't have a curfew, because as an adult, we assume you know how to regulate your schedule so that you are prepared to work each day."

We've had au pairs who never went out, some who went out all the time on weekends staying out late at the clubs, but only to dinner/coffee on worknights, some in-between. So far we are lucky that curfew issues have not come up. Our best au pair, who was also very social, would every once in awhile roll out of bed clearly a bit hung over and on very little sleep to start her shift, but she always rallied and got the job done and was never once late to start. Our attitude was - "we were like that at that age, and managed to do our jobs responsibly." If you have a good, responsible au pair, she should be able to handle herself without a curfew. If your au pair can't figure out how to manage herself responsibly without a curfew - I don't know; I'm not sure I would want that person taking care of my very small children. But I do understand that other host families feel differently and have a different approach to this issue.

[Anonymous]

We haven't had curfews for our au pairs and honestly I don't understand them. First of all, do host parents really stay up until curfew to confirm that their AP has come home? I completely get expecting your AP to be ready on time awake enough to run after the kids all day. If she's not, then address the performance issue rather than putting an artificial bandaid on thr issue. Tell her you expect her to be on time for her shift and that you expect her to be able to keep up with her duties and if she can't do that, then tell her you're prepared to rematch. Believe me, an AP can be awake until 3am on Skype in her room even if you've made her come home at 11. The issue is not when she's home, it's that she performs to your expectations.

As to friends and social life, both of ours have eaten dinner with us pretty much every night but gone out maybe 4 times a week after dinner for the night. They both are gone for a fair number of weekends and when they're not gone, we were very little of them on weekends because they sleep in and then are out all night. 1am is nothing to a 20yo - both of its have had a handful of times a year that they come home after 3am (dancing til the bars closed and then having a late-night dinner). Really I think you'll be a happier host parent if you concern yourself less with her social life and more with her job performance and relationship with the kids. To a point obviously. Someone who doesn't even attend your kids birthday parties is NOT embracing the spirit of the program. But these are young adults after all, and it's pretty ridiculous to feel like you have to put a ton of restrictions on them and grill them on where they are going but then leave your kids with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We had young APs and only had a curfew on nights where she was expected to work in the morning. The curfew was 8 hours before her shift was to start. So, if she's on duty at 7am on Tuesday morning, we expect her to be home by 11pm Monday night. But if she had Tuesday off, she could come in whenever she pleased. Our APs weren't all night party people, so even when they weren't on duty, I never had an AP stay out past 1am. Which is late, for me, but not so much if you're 23.

Same here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had curfews for our au pairs and honestly I don't understand them. First of all, do host parents really stay up until curfew to confirm that their AP has come home? I completely get expecting your AP to be ready on time awake enough to run after the kids all day. If she's not, then address the performance issue rather than putting an artificial bandaid on thr issue. Tell her you expect her to be on time for her shift and that you expect her to be able to keep up with her duties and if she can't do that, then tell her you're prepared to rematch. Believe me, an AP can be awake until 3am on Skype in her room even if you've made her come home at 11. The issue is not when she's home, it's that she performs to your expectations.

As to friends and social life, both of ours have eaten dinner with us pretty much every night but gone out maybe 4 times a week after dinner for the night. They both are gone for a fair number of weekends and when they're not gone, we were very little of them on weekends because they sleep in and then are out all night. 1am is nothing to a 20yo - both of its have had a handful of times a year that they come home after 3am (dancing til the bars closed and then having a late-night dinner). Really I think you'll be a happier host parent if you concern yourself less with her social life and more with her job performance and relationship with the kids. To a point obviously. Someone who doesn't even attend your kids birthday parties is NOT embracing the spirit of the program. But these are young adults after all, and it's pretty ridiculous to feel like you have to put a ton of restrictions on them and grill them on where they are going but then leave your kids with them.

really great points.

[Anonymous]

One other thought: in my view, its always better/easier to put a curfew in the handbook (Ours is home by 10 the night before work days), and then RELAX it if your au pair is responsible. Its much easier to relax rules that aren't needed-- rather than impose "new" rules once the year starts.

Then again-- there is a balance-- treating a 24-year old like an adult (until she shows otherwise) is sometimes good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We haven't had curfews for our au pairs and honestly I don't understand them. First of all, do host parents really stay up until curfew to confirm that their AP has come home? I completely get expecting your AP to be ready on time awake enough to run after the kids all day. If she's not, then address the performance issue rather than putting an artificial bandaid on thr issue. Tell her you expect her to be on time for her shift and that you expect her to be able to keep up with her duties and if she can't do that, then tell her you're prepared to rematch. Believe me, an AP can be awake until 3am on Skype in her room even if you've made her come home at 11. The issue is not when she's home, it's that she performs to your expectations.

As to friends and social life, both of ours have eaten dinner with us pretty much every night but gone out maybe 4 times a week after dinner for the night. They both are gone for a fair number of weekends and when they're not gone, we were very little of them on weekends because they sleep in and then are out all night. 1am is nothing to a 20yo - both of its have had a handful of times a year that they come home after 3am (dancing til the bars closed and then having a late-night dinner). Really I think you'll be a happier host parent if you concern yourself less with her social life and more with her job performance and relationship with the kids. To a point obviously. Someone who doesn't even attend your kids birthday parties is NOT embracing the spirit of the program. But these are young adults after all, and it's pretty ridiculous to feel like you have to put a ton of restrictions on them and grill them on where they are going but then leave your kids with them.

I couldnt agree more.
- long time host mom

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why the car has a curfew? Can the PP that does this please explain?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the car has a curfew? Can the PP that does this please explain?

I don't want to restrict what my AP does with her free time, but I do want to limit my car being parked in dicey areas overnight or until the wee hours. I can't afford to replace a car that gets stolen and I don't expect her to anticipate that a place that seems fine during daylight hours is totally unsafe to leave a car after dark.

In addition, I'm old! LOL and like most old people, I'm becoming my parents, who never let me keep the car out after midnight, even in college, because it was their car and "Nothing good happens after midnight" If the AP wants to be out all night, she needs to find alternative means, with exceptions made on a case by case basis for excellent Au Pairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why the car has a curfew? Can the PP that does this please explain?

Drunk drivers.