Help...
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Anonymous
| I belong to a pretty close group of nannies and have become super close to one in particular. This nanny and I break off from the group and hang out together on a fairly regular basis. Last week this nanny confided in me she had been raped the night before. Her eyes had been red when we met up that day but I assumed it was allergies. It wasnt, it was from crying. Anyway, since then, this nanny is barely functioning and we've spent all day every day (work day) together so I can mange her charges while she basically zones us all out. She doesn't want to talk about it but it's very obvious she isn't doing well. I don't have an issue with helping with her charges - twin 14mo olds- as they are very comfortable with me and my charge (10mo old). My question is at what point, if any, do I talk to her mb that her nanny needs help and I've been her "defacto nanny" for at this point now, a week. I don't hang out with my nanny friend at all outside of work and so have no idea what, if anything, her family knows. My friend desperately needs help and other than talking to her mb, I'm at a loss as to what to do ? |
Anonymous
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Give her a rape crisis hotline and then butt the hell out. Beyond that who the hell do you think you are to breech confidentiality?
You might even be the novelist, btw. |
Anonymous
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Um, you do NOT speak to her MB.
You give her some crisis support numbers, you offer to accompany her to the hospital, clinic, police station, whatever she needs. If you become genuinely concerned about her ability to function, you tell her firmly that you are concerned about her and the children in her care and you think she needs to request a day or two off from work to take some time for herself. Then reiterate that you are willing to help any way you can while she gets back on her feet. |
Anonymous
Jesus Fucking Christ. I came here asking for advice because I want to help her. No where did I say or even imply that I would tell her mb her nanny was raped. All I said was that I'd say she needed help. |
Anonymous
She won't talk about what happened and I don't know what to say to her. Ill def get the crisis numbers and give them to her. I'm about 10yrs older than this other nanny and what I want to do is tuck her into my spare bed and hug her and cry with her. |
Anonymous
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Still, not your business.
10:00 has some good advice for you. Take it. |
Anonymous
| OP, why don't you call the hotline and get some advice from them. You seem to be a caring person. |
Anonymous
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Get her to call a rape crisis hotline. They can help her with a lot of resources. You may want to call them yourself and find out how you can help and support her. Reassure her that what happened is not her fault.
But if there comes a point where she really can't function, and she refuses to say anything to her employer, you may have to tell her employer what happened. Unless the employer knows what happened and she finds out about how much you have been watching the children, she could lose her job for poor job performance. And she is placing a huge burden on you. How long are you going to be able to do both jobs? She is still probably in shock, but she needs to start dealing with what happened. And in some ways, you are enabling her not to deal with what happened to her. Continue to be supportive and keep encouraging her to get help. |
Anonymous
Yeah, I'm going to do this. Thank you |
Anonymous
I agree - they'll have useful information, good advice for you, and will help you think about how you can be there for your friend. It is complicated by concern for the twins' well-being so I understand the impulse to be in touch w/ the MB. If I were the MB I would be concerned about everyone involved. Hope the hotline is helpful and your friend is ok. It's a very good thing that she's talking to you, but it's also a heck of a weight to put on you. |
Anonymous
Tsk. Tsk. Such language. OP, your writing style is distinctive and it is so easy to identify your troll scenarios. |
Anonymous
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The first thing you should have done when she told you was convinced her to go to the police, offered to go with her and contacted a rape crisis hotline. I've had multiple friends and family members who have been raped, when it first happens fear and shame dominate. The first 24 hours are vital because after that time period women are less likely to report. You needed to make sure she knew it wasn't her fault and that someone is looking out for her. You were probably the only person she told and its your responsibility as a moral and kind person to help her get the help she needs.
Rape victims are not thinking clearly after such horrible events, sometimes they need someone else to take charge and guide them. This kind of Trauma emotionally scars someone for the rest of their life. takes a very strong person to move forward and not let an event like that define them. It sounds more like you don't want to be involved and rather hand her off to someone else, which is your right but make sure it's a counselor, family member, police officer or doctor. Telling her employers will only make her feel more ashamed and prob cause her to lose her job (family may think she is emotionally unfit for the job or that the attacker may come back). |
Anonymous
| You are a good friend. Call the hotline, hug her, cry with her and ultimately be her shoulder... She clearly needs you. |