Screening for boyfriends, prospective au pairs

[Anonymous]

I am interested I hearing experiences and opinions about hiring an au pair with a boyfriend. Please share.

[Anonymous]

You know, both of our au pairs have had boyfriends from back home and yes, both of them have had the boys come stay with us for a week or two during the year. But then we haven't dealt with any of the dating and boy craziness for the remainder of the year, so I actually have preferred it. We're looking for our next au pair now and are actually kind of screening for ones WITH a boyfriend.

[Anonymous]

I've never even thought to ask. Turns out neither have had BFs.

[Anonymous]

I am nervous about this as our incoming AP has a boyfriend back home and my rule always was to pick a candidate with no boyfriend. I saw my AP's friends with boyfriends being more homesick, less willing to experience life here etc.
Also, we have young girls and therefore don't permit overnight male guests (we told new AP this) but I wonder now if this will be an issue as she is allowed to have boyfriend stay the night at her parent's house.

[Anonymous]

We generally look for an AP without a boyfriend, but the last one got one between our interview and arriving, and it was ok because he was very encouraging of her going to America and had no plans to visit. So I think it really depends on the AP's attitude.

I would not allow overnights of a BF so if he wanted to visit she would be taking her vacation and staying elsewehere during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We generally look for an AP without a boyfriend, but the last one got one between our interview and arriving, and it was ok because he was very encouraging of her going to America and had no plans to visit. So I think it really depends on the AP's attitude.

I would not allow overnights of a BF so if he wanted to visit she would be taking her vacation and staying elsewehere during that time.

We posted above that both of our au pairs have had boyfriends come stay the week. We were fine with it, but I think it's totally fine to not be ok with it as long as you're clear up front. Might be a good thing to put out there when matching if you're never going to allow a male to spend the night.

Also, if you really care about the boyfriend, I wouldn't just ask "do you have a boyfriend?" Our current au pair said "no." Turns out, she had a guy that she had been dating for a few months that got more serious before she left, but she didn't count him as a "boyfriend" really. That term means different things to different people.

[Anonymous]

It's surprising that these "matching" businesses don't make the host family address this issue upfront.

[Anonymous]

Our current AP has a boyfriend from her home country. He's been to visit twice, both times for about 2 weeks (we're 9 months in). He's likable, and in some ways it's been fun having him around when he has visited. That's a lot (maybe too much)--but we have had trouble saying "no" to the requests to visit. We have allowed him to stay at out house, but not in AP's bedroom. I think if we had said no, he would have come anyway and found other lodging (that was what she told us initially), and then it would have created some resentments from the AP. Overall, it's mostly been fine, but I would say it's been distracting to her throughout her time with us because she's always texting him and skyping whenever she can, which in my opinion has diminished the experience she could have had otherwise if she didn't feel so tied to him.

I think I prefer no boyfriend, but I don't think it's a deal breaker. It really depends on the individuals.

[Anonymous]

I've had two without boyfriends at home and I find they are more likely to try to hook up while here. One found a pretty serious boyfriend while here and it was getting pretty hot & heavy. Then, they broke up.

So the same emotions can happen whether the boyfriend is near or far. They can still spend lots of time with him, whether its via Skype or in person. They can break up, which can affect them emotionally.

I don't rule it out from someone, but I ask them have they had one before and if that broke up, how did they deal with it or handle it. Who was their support, etc. How long did it last and how long until they got over it. Kinda personal, but it can give you an idea of how it might play out here.

[Anonymous]

Jeez people. These are grown women! If you trust them enough to care for your children and to live with your family, she should enough maturity and good judgement to navigate an adult relationship and being away from home. I imagine if she can't, those qualities would show in other aspects of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeez people. These are grown women! If you trust them enough to care for your children and to live with your family, she should enough maturity and good judgement to navigate an adult relationship and being away from home. I imagine if she can't, those qualities would show in other aspects of her life.

I think I would characterize APs more as "growing women." And although you hope they are mature and have good judgment, that's one of the things you are trying to assess when selecting. And it is always a bit of a risk. plus, you are trying to asses the personality and fit with your own family. So I don't think it's too strange to factor in romantic attachments as part of the overall dynamics. No one is saying APs can't have boyfriends. But you are right that if she can't handle it, it would show up in other aspect-- that's kind of the point here.

[Anonymous]

AP1 had a serious boyfriend. He came and stayed with us once. She did all her major travel with him. Downsides: intense homesickness especially at first, and this was the reason she gave for not extending (I believe this really was the reason, actually). Pros: No worries about partying too hard or risky behavior.

AP2 does not have a boyfriend back home. She doesn't appear too interested in finding one here either. She is less homebody that our AP1 with boyfriend but that might just be personality. For the record, no issues with partying or risky behavior with her either.

I was really worried about the whole boyfriend thing when we matched with AP1. I'm now convinced this is not a big deal either way. I find a good question to ask when interviewing is why is this prospective AP doing the AP program - and not some other kind of work/travel program? Trying to weed out those for whom having a good time is the only motivation and hopefully land with someone with a sincere interest in kids/being part of a family.