Ughh. Kid making innapropriate sexually charged comments.

[Anonymous]

I watch a 9 year old boy and his 6 year old sister.

Every. single. day. he makes some kind of inappropriate gesture or comment. The other day he fashioned brown pieces of lego to resemble a penis, told his sister it was chocolate and placed in near his crotch and told her to eat it. He cuts up yellow and brown pieces of paper and pretends it's poop and pee and will throw it at me or his sister.
Today was the last straw. We were playing tag and I tagged him with my hand, he said "no, you have to tag me with your privates."

I sat down with him and we had a LONG discussion about why that is highly inappropriate for him to ever suggest that to me or anybody else. I talked to him about healthy boundaries and private parts are called private parts because they're meant to be private. I talked to his Mom and Dad about it too and I was perfectly honest that it makes me uncomfortable that I have to deal with this everyday. A little part of me is worried that he is being exposed to sexual behaviour or content, and another part of me is just wondering if this is "normal" sexual exploration for a boy his age.

[Anonymous]

*Pressed submit to quickly. I made it clear to his parents that unless this behaviour stops they're going to need to find another nanny. (Yes, it's *that* bad, the stuff I wrote is just the tip of the iceberg). I've worked with boys his age before and none of them have made nearly as many sexual comments or suggestions as he has.

[Anonymous]

What kind of consequences is he given when he makes inappropriate comments or gestures? Because you don't mention that but there should be some. He is still only 9, he is learning what is right and wrong and you and his parents should be teaching him that - with positive reinforcement when possible and negative consequences when required.

[Anonymous]

A couple times I've asked him to sit out when he makes comments such as that. When it's something small I'll say "that's inappropriate, we don't use that kind of language, what other words can we used instead?" I offer about 90% positive reinforcement and 10% corrective. Been with the kids 6 mos and haven't noticed any improvement in him either way.

[Anonymous]

I would hate that too, one of the reasons I don't watch kids older than 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple times I've asked him to sit out when he makes comments such as that. When it's something small I'll say "that's inappropriate, we don't use that kind of language, what other words can we used instead?" I offer about 90% positive reinforcement and 10% corrective. Been with the kids 6 mos and haven't noticed any improvement in him either way.

It sounds like you're doing it wrong. 6 months without progress and you haven't formed at least one, ought to have been two or three, new techniques yet? He is too old for the "what other words can we use instead" nonsense - you say, ONCE, "that is inappropriate language. this is your warning, you know I expect you to use appropriate words." if he says anything again, time-out, loss of privileges, extra chores, whatever. Why have you not spoken to the parents about doing this?? It's not going to get better unless YOU help fix it.

[Anonymous]

Oh I have. He gets several warnings. He sits out, he gets his lego or wii taken away. He has to do his homework instead of play with us. I separate him and his younger sister all the time. I make the rules very clear and am consistent. I talked to his parents today about it and have mentioned it before about 3 or 4 times. They say they're "working on it"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh I have. He gets several warnings. He sits out, he gets his lego or wii taken away. He has to do his homework instead of play with us. I separate him and his younger sister all the time. I make the rules very clear and am consistent. I talked to his parents today about it and have mentioned it before about 3 or 4 times. They say they're "working on it"

Then you say, "Can you tell me exactly what techniques you guys are using so that I can be sure I'm being consistent?" If they're not doing anything, you'll know. If they're doing something different, you'll know.

Here's how it should go: DS says something rude: WARNING. DS breaks any other rule: time-out. after time-out, everything resets and you treat him normally. if he gets 3 time outs in a day, loss of video games for a week, loss of allowance, something sticking. Then when he is rude, and getting in trouble, you gently and firmly remind him of this fact: "Keven, you're making some poor choices today and are getting your second time-out now. Please remember that if you get a third time-out, you will lose this week's allowance." Then, beyond that, stop reacting! He can see it makes you uncomfortable and has an effect on you but this should be just like any other bad behavior - saying a swear word repeatedly, threatening violence, all things young boys experiment with talking about. Warning, time-out, consequence, move on. Otherwise he'll keep doing it just for the entertainment of watching you react to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*Pressed submit to quickly. I made it clear to his parents that unless this behaviour stops they're going to need to find another nanny. (Yes, it's *that* bad, the stuff I wrote is just the tip of the iceberg). I've worked with boys his age before and none of them have made nearly as many sexual comments or suggestions as he has.

Did they react any other way about it when you did threaten to leave? I also feel bad for the little girl. I hope she is not being sexually molested behind closed doors the 9 year old. Also that positive reinforcement crap does not work on him. Try a different method.

[Anonymous]

What you have is early manifestations of rage. They need a good family therapist with your involvement. This is dangerous behavior unfolding and can no longer be ignored by the "parents". Ask them if they want to start getting recommendations, or do they want you to start the work.

Do you know how many nannies the boy has had so far?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you have is early manifestations of rage. They need a good family therapist with your involvement. This is dangerous behavior unfolding and can no longer be ignored by the "parents". Ask them if they want to start getting recommendations, or do they want you to start the work.

Do you know how many nannies the boy has had so far?

I agree that this is not normal behavior and they should seek professional help. I think it's possible it could be rage. But I also think it is possible that the child has been sexually assaulted. Either way it sounds like a pretty desperate situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you have is early manifestations of rage. They need a good family therapist with your involvement. This is dangerous behavior unfolding and can no longer be ignored by the "parents". Ask them if they want to start getting recommendations, or do they want you to start the work.

Do you know how many nannies the boy has had so far?

I agree that this is not normal behavior and they should seek professional help. I think it's possible it could be rage. But I also think it is possible that the child has been sexually assaulted. Either way it sounds like a pretty desperate situation.

I can see how an abused or neglected child would have rage.

[Anonymous]

These are red flags to sexual abuse or exposure to porn of some sort. Even if he hasen't been abused he needs therapy, and you and parents need concrete tools to work with his behavior, which to this extent isn't normal. Yes, 9 year old boys are exploring gross concepts, but this IS upsetting.

[Anonymous]

I'm not a nanny, just a mom so in many ways less experienced that professional nannies on this issue but this doesn't seem like norlam behavior, especially if discipline and correction aren't working. I would be quite concerned about what this boy might have been exposed or subjected to that he is expressing/working through in this way.

Frankly, I would also be concerned that the parents aten't taking it seriously enough and it makes me wonder what might be going on. It sounds awful for you, and so worrisome for the kids.

Alos, you're newish to the family so you probably don't have resources beyond the parents right? (I'm wondering about grandparents, teachers, pediatrician, etc...). You are within your rights, and legally bound, to report concerns about sexual abuse to the auorities, if you think it rises to that level. If you end up needing to leave the family anyway, perhaps informing someone outside the family wouldn't hurt.

I totally agree with a PP who suggested family therapy, but that seems like a tough thing for you to actually make happen.

So sad.

[Anonymous]

I disagree with the crowd that this is obviously a sign that something sinister is going on. I think it is more likely a sign of a friend or classmate who is either older or has an older sibling to influence them that is being a bad influence on this boy.