How to tell children that I'm going back to work?

[Anonymous]

I am a future MB. I was planning on being a SAH mom to my 4 year old, and my new baby until they move out. But DH just changed jobs, and we will not be able to keep our lifestyle on only his salary. So we have made the very tough choice and decided that I will go back to work after almost 5 years being a SAH Mom.

So I will be hiring my our first nanny in a few weeks. How do I break it to my DS that I will not be there during day anymore, and how this new nanny (this total stranger) will be taking my place. My DS and I are very close, we do everything together. I hope he doesn't think I am dumping him. Guilt!

Are there any kids books or videos that help explain this situation?

[Anonymous]

Well, first of all, let yourself off the hook. You're still a great mom - even if you won't be at home as much, and you'll find a great nanny who will give your kids tremendous one on one attention. And your son has had the fabulous gift of all of your time so far, but now he'll be getting ready for school so this may be great for him.

Your nanny won't take your place - she'll expand his world and augment your role. You will always be his mother and that will never change.

Our nanny adores our kids. They are well loved and cherished and nurtured by her so when I have those guilt pangs I remind myself that they are blessed with extra love.

Your son will take his cues from you. If you approach it with him in a way that lets him sense your guilt, conflicted feelings, regret, etc... that will significantly influence his response. So try to think about that.

Also, there is much you can do to ease the transition for him (and you). When you've gotten to the point where you think you have your nanny selected, have him/her meet your kids and spend some time with you all together before she's formally hired. Then have her come part time for a few days and ease into the job. This will help all of you develop comfort and familiarity so that by the time you're at work full-time the nanny is not a stranger - she's an established presence.

When you're hiring the nanny look for someone who has some experience coming into a situation like this. You'll want someone who can understand your concerns and anxieties and be on your side and a partner in making this work. Be careful to hire someone who you feel will/can work with you in that way - rather than someone who won't understand the situation, has no relevant experience, or feels very strongly about things in a way that won't work with your values (discipline, activity level during the day, eating habits, etc...)

If you are comfortable and relaxed with the change then things will be infinitely easier for your son.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

If you treat it like a terrible tragedy or something you feel guilty about, your kid is going to pick up on that.

Explain that you will start going to work just like daddy goes to work, so someone else is going to watch him during the day. Have him spend some time with the nanny before she cares for the kids all day without you.

[Anonymous]

I was in the same situation and what really helped was having the nanny start a couple weeks before I went back to work. This allowed my kid to see this person of less of a stranger and more of a family friend. She accompanied us to all the fun places we usually went to. The hard to except fact was that when I finally went to work, my kid seriously was so unfazed and the transition was flawless.

A cute book that you can get for LO is Maxy Poppinz.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1466438592/ref=mw_dp_mpd?pd=1&qid=1363898008&sr=8-1

It's a picture book that introduces the concept of what a nanny is, and why she/he is standing in for Mom while she is at work.

[Anonymous]

You've gotten some great advice here! Things I would repeat:

Make sure you introduce getting a nanny as a fun, exciting thing ("someone who's coming every day JUST to play with you and the baby!") and don't let your negative feelings seep through. Kids are sensitive so this really means you need to feel okay with it as quickly as possible, or it'll stress your son out more.

Have the nanny start ASAP. You'll have to pay her, of course, but having her spend some full days with you and the kids, doing all the things you normally do (but with an extra set of helping hands!) will help ease him into the idea of having her around and teach him that he can trust her to cut his food, accompany him to the bathroom, help set up a puzzle, and so forth. He will probably say, "NO, I want Mom to do it!" to her a lot during those early days, and if you can gently encourage him to have her do it ("I'm busy in the kitchen, so you and NannyName set it up and I'll come see in a minute") without entirely stepping away, that will help to build a lot of trust on his end. If your son is really having a hard time with you both being there (and some 4YOs really struggle with that), remember that he will adjust AOK as soon as you're away and it's only the anxiety of you leaving that's stressing him out - you being gone is much less stressful than the possibility of you leaving (sorry!).

Maxy Poppinz is a great book, I'd also recommend it.

Hire someone wonderful! Preferably someone who's come into a situation like this before OR has a lot of experience with 4 and 5 year olds (or both).

[Anonymous]

It shouldn't be too hard on him, as he is getting to the age that he will be starting kindergarten soon anyways. If he will be starting kindergarten in the fall, I would get him into some activities on a weekly schedule to get him used to being away from the house and you as well. The nanny won't seem like she is replacing you, more like an additional helper that helps to get him places and until you can get home. If you make it seem like she is more there for the baby, then that might make him feel more comfortable with it since he is so old.

If he is past the cut off for school this fall, I might look into some PT preschool classes to help ease the transition. Change sometimes can be easier to deal with if you do 2 things at one. That way it is not just him leaving you at home to go to kindergarten, it is him leaving the nanny at home while you also go out, and then you both have things to talk to each other about in the evenings. "Mommy worked on an exciting new project today at her new job, what did you do today at your new class?"

[Anonymous]

Please don't let him know you're having a hard time with it or anything like that! My mb practically bawls with her child and it makes my day hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in the same situation and what really helped was having the nanny start a couple weeks before I went back to work. This allowed my kid to see this person of less of a stranger and more of a family friend. She accompanied us to all the fun places we usually went to. The hard to except fact was that when I finally went to work, my kid seriously was so unfazed and the transition was flawless.

A cute book that you can get for LO is Maxy Poppinz.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1466438592/ref=mw_dp_mpd?pd=1&qid=1363898008&sr=8-1

It's a picture book that introduces the concept of what a nanny is, and why she/he is standing in for Mom while she is at work.

I was going to recommend this book as well. It will help you open dialogue with your child, and also give you examples of good nanny care to help you in your search!

Good luck!