MB cancelling scheduled days - advice please - long

[Anonymous]

I have posted on here before and received some great advice and would appreciate some help again. I apologize in advance for the length, but I feel I need to include these details to describe my work dynamic.

A little background - I started working for this current family last summer. I was referred to them by another family I provide occasional care for. The parents said they needed care 4 weekday evenings a week, with a usual set start time that might change once in a while and variable end time. Ex: one day could be 5p.m. to 12a.m. and the next could be 5p.m. to 2a.m. Before I even gave permission for the parent who referred me to speak with the other family, I told her to let them know that I would not be able to handle this schedule on my own, but could with my cousin and sister (who also provided care for parent). I have a weekly position that starts in the early morning, albeit part-time and I didn't want to commit to this weekly schedule lest I get burned out.
Other family was fine with this, and I met them and started.

For the most part, everything was fine in the summer. There were a few days here and there that MB canceled and I was fine with it. After a couple months, the schedule changed to 5 days a week. I was fine with this, but my cousin wasn't able to help anymore, so I was working all the days. Since then, MB has cancelled on short notice numerous times (a few times the whole week, but didn't tell me until the Sunday before or same day Monday). I started getting fed up with her canceling so when other parents asked me to sit, I would say yes to them and if MB didn't cancel, my friend would sit for her. So past couple months, there is not a week that would go by when she wouldn't cancel at least 1 day, despite her telling me she needs M-F covered for the following week. Last week I had it. I was scheduled to work 3 days and my friend 2 of them. She canceled on my friend M (she has canceled on her numerous times as well), then on Tue she asked me at around 5:30 to come at 7 instead of 6. I said fine. Then a bit before 7 she tells me she forgot she had blank in the morning and wasn't going to work. Alright, I'm upset. I work on Th and after she comes home tell her goodnight and I will see her Fri. she says that the kids will be going to their grandparents and so she won't need me. No apology. This really pissed me off because I was asked to do an overnighter Fri in which I would have made 3x as much, but said no because I was scheduled Fri and my friend hadn't been available to switch with me.

Usually I would check with MB over the weekend to go over schedule next week and days I and my friend would work, but I was still upset and didn't text her. This also has been another thing that bothers me. I feel like she as the MB needs to go over the schedule with me, not me always checking with her. Yesterday shortly before my usually scheduled start time, she asked if I could come at 7 instead. I told her since I didn't hear from her, I didn't think she needed me and did she want me to check with friend. She told me we discussed last week M-F this week...she was lying, because we didn't, but that's beside the point. I told her, no we didn't discuss it and she checked with friend who wasn’t available. I sent her a text about 30 min later saying I don't think we should have a weekly schedule anymore, but instead she let me know on an as needed basis days she absolutely needs me. I said that I know there are times her plans change or kids go over to family's home, etc so it would be best. She sent me a text back saying 'Ok. that's fine. It's obvious that I'm not gonna be able to work tonight and it’s no big deal. I just NEED to be able to go tomorrow if you are free.' Now, I felt a bit guilty about yesterday, but at the same time, I feel like that was her intention anyway and she should feel how I feel when she does this to me.

I am dreading seeing her today because I know she is going to want to chat. I’m not a very confrontational person, and she is very narcissistic and selfish, so I feel like anything I say to her to make her understand that my time is valuable just as much as hers is and that half the time she cancels on me are days I said no to another family I could have sat for will go right over her head. I am not paid on a salary and am fine with that, but admittedly if I was, I would not even be have as annoyed and upset as I am. I won’t even bother to ask her to because first, she would never agree to it and second, as I stated, I can’t commit the whole week to her. I would just like that on the days she asks me to come over, she actually has me come over. Seems simple, but so hard.

In my shoes, how would you resolve this without feeling taken advantage of?

[Anonymous]

Quit.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear what you are saying about confrontation, but I think you and Mb need to have a frank and candid conversation. I say that because it sounds like the job, however tricky the hours are, fills a spot in your schedule and in Mb's schedule, and so if you work together it seems you both would fit. I'll start by saying I am a Mb, and when I first read this, I thought your Mb sounded awful - a complete flake and incredibly insensitive. Then I thought, "what about this situation would make her think she could treat her sitter that way?". And I think it's not that she's a terrible person (let us hope). I think she must believe it's not a big deal. It may be that the switching with a friend and going back and forth between you and a friend or a cousin has left Mb thinking her erratic schedule and frequent changes aren't a problem for you because of the backups, even as you try to cover it alone and it's giving you hell. So, I think you have to talk. I would suggest starting that conversation not from a place of "you're insensitive and my time is valuable" because she's going to be defensive even if that is true (and as I said, maybe it isn't - she may legit think her schedule is not a big deal for you). Just say that clearly the recent schedule problem shows that both of you need to be on the same page. And tell her that you orignally envisioned back up coverage, but that isn't quite how it's working, and so you want to keep working with her, but you need a little more certainty while responding to her needs as well. You likely won't get guaranteed hours, but maybe suggest that you both meet Monday at X time each week to go over her coverage needs. Tell her that from now on, you will agree to keep those days for her, so if she cancels, you'll need to be paid X amount for the late cancellation unless you manage to find another job. Make it worth your while, but not prohibitively expensive. She'll then think twice about cancelling. And tell her that in exchange for this, she gets someone no matter what, and right of first refusal - it's her time unless she tells you at the Monday meeting she doesn't need you, but if she says she does and cancels, she ought to be willing to cover your loss in some meaningful way. Then, you don't have to double-book just in case, and when cancellations affect her bottom line as well, she will do it with greater deliberation. Of course, if her job is such that she just can't plan, then she may need greater flexibility, but given that finding essentially an on call sitter any given night is neither easy nor ideal, she should be willing to pay for a modified version of that even if it results in unavoidable cancellation fees. I would, and my job is as crazy as your Mb's job sounds.

[Anonymous]

You need to institute a cancellation policy.

[Anonymous]

It's difficult to keep your week nights open and then have her cancel last minute. I think that you need to institute a cancellation policy or quit. I keep every morning open for nannying (and go to my other higher paying job in the afternoon/evenings) and the mom has cancelled on me as I am heading out the door one too many times and I had to quit. With that notice, I could have planned to go into my other job and rescheduled meetings, etc. She obviously doesn't think your time is important and doesn't value it like she values yours. Confrontation is very hard but you need to either have an open conversation with her or move on to a different family. Being in a back and forth type situation long-term just isn't healthy!

[Anonymous]

What I think might work would be to explain to her that you need to make at least a specific amount every week, so that if she cancels for say a Monday, instead of making less one day, you decide on a minimum amount for the week whether you work 5 days or one day. for example, she gives you 500.00 a week , at least. of course if you work the full 5 days and make more than 500.00 then you get whatever you made. but, if you make less than 500.00 because she keeps on telling you she doesn't need one day or 2 days any given week, you still get 500.00.

[Anonymous]

I'm a nanny, and I hope you can see that this problemnis at least half your fault. While she has not been particularly considerate, it is not HER job to ensure that YOU are happy with things. You need to communicate clearly. If you had been clear and up front months ago, then it wouldn't have been a confrontation, just a discussion and clarification. You probably need to quit this job. In the future, make it clear to new families up front that you will charge C cancelation fee for cancelations with less than a week's notice. If a family has cancelled more than a 2-3 days over a month or so, it's time to be clear about what works for you: "I'm sorry, but you have been cancelling a lot lately, which is a problem because I have already reserved this time. I can't afford to lose this much income. So either I need to change my cancellation fee to Y amount to ensure I can pay all my bills, or you may need to find someone who doesn't need a predictable income."

Also, it is very unprofessional for you to be swapping hours with friends and relatives. Don't expect to be taken seriously if you act like you're in the freaking babysitter's club. If you commit to work for a family, work for them. If you can't, you can offer them a list of backup sitters you can recommend. You do not subcontract your job out to some other sitter. Conscientious employers would consider this a red flag.

[Anonymous]

Ahh yes, the narcissist employer....been there, done that

I had to explain that very thing. You have to speak up for what you need and set boundaries, whether she truly understands or not. I was working full time, 4 days per week, but still paid hourly. My employers thought it was okay to keep me hanging until the evening before to tell me if I was working the next day, on what was usually a regular work day. This was when their work was slow. I finally just had to say that I need to work regularly, need the money, and others are asking me to work. I explained the others need an answer and several times I have turned down other work thinking I was working for them, only to have them cancel and then I missed out on any work. I came into the conversation with a deadline already established for how late they can tell me whether I am working. If you leave it up to them, they won't be fair. Just explain the hardship it puts you under, as well as to the other families asking you to work, then say you need to know by 1 week ahead, or whatever time frame you need.

Whether she really gets it or not is not your problem. State the boundary and then go from there.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for responding.

I came over yesterday and nothing was mentioned until she came home and asked if I was happy. I told her that her cancelling on me short notice frequently was a problem. She apologized and said she would try harder to not do that and she understands. I'll see how it goes.

12:28 - before I ever even meet this family, I asked the family that referred me let them know that I wouldn't be able to commit to this position if I was the only one working it, as I stated in my first post. They knew from the very beginning and were fine with it. So, in this situtation, I don't see myself as being unprofessional.

[Anonymous]

You may not think your unprofessional because the family agreed, OP, but you are, in fact, acting unprofessionally and the PP who mentioned it was doing you a favor by pointing that out. Most families would not hire someone who could not do the job and needed to subcontract to friends and cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may not think your unprofessional because the family agreed, OP, but you are, in fact, acting unprofessionally and the PP who mentioned it was doing you a favor by pointing that out. Most families would not hire someone who could not do the job and needed to subcontract to friends and cousins.

Thanks for responding. I would absolutely understand if I were asked to sit on a certain date, said yes, then called the family and made up an excuse and asked if I could have my friend come over instead. This is not the case at all. I never contacted or sought this family out. They were referred to me by a mutual family who is friends with them and who I have provided occasional basis for on an as needed basis for 3 years. I have always been clear as stated before I even met them that I can't keep the schedule they need by myself. I asked the mutual family we both know to tell them that and if they were still interested to contact me. That's it, very simple. Yes, if this were any other situation or family, I'm sure they would not be okay with it. If they were so upset by me 'subcontracting', then on Sat/Sun evenings that they ask me to sit and me or my friend are not available, they would not ask me if I know any other sitters I can refer. You can think what you want, but I know what I'm doing.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're acting unprofessionally, and by not making her commit to guaranteed hours, I also think you're giving her a valuable trade-off (she only pays for hours she needs, but knows sometimes it's you, and sometimes it's someone else).

A late cancellation policy is probably the best idea unless you want to lose this gig altogether (i.e., cancel within x hours, owe me $x), though if you have enough other babysitting jobs to fill up the time anyway, you might not want to do that.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you're acting unprofessional. Please don't feel the need to explain yourself to those who are calling you unprofessional, the don't know you.

[Anonymous]

I'm the first PP to criticise your professionalism. You seem to be confused about the meaning. Just because the family is fine with the behavior doesn't mean that it is professional, mature behavior. Let me put it another way.

As a babysitter/nanny, you are selling a product (your services) and the pay, benefits and overall treatment you receive in return for that product is determined by how you market yourself and what clientele you advertise to. Right now, you are marketing yourself as a naive woman who won't stand up for herself and doesn't value her own time. You have attracted the kind of "buyer" who is looking for that product. When you undertake to provide childcare coverage for this family, you are doing something for free that most parents do themselves. You are showing how little you value your own time. In subbing out other sitters for yourself, you are teaching your client that you are easily replaceable: a dime a dozen babysitter--and you are treated that way by your client. It is important for you to understand how unprofessional that is because even if you ditch this problem family, if you don't rebrand yourself, you will just find another difficult family to work for.

I currently have a full time job, a part time job, and several families for who I do regular date night sitting. I am paid well for all of these jobs. My employers are considerate of my time and feel that they are lucky to have me. I am the first choice for childcare, even for the babysitting families. This isn't because I am such an amazing nanny, but because I know how to brand myself. I treat my employers' time as valuable and am clear about the value of my time. I take on extra tasks only during work hours, and only after meeting or exceeding quality expectations for my primary task: childcare.

You teach people how to treat you. What have you taught your employers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the first PP to criticise your professionalism. You seem to be confused about the meaning. Just because the family is fine with the behavior doesn't mean that it is professional, mature behavior. Let me put it another way.

As a babysitter/nanny, you are selling a product (your services) and the pay, benefits and overall treatment you receive in return for that product is determined by how you market yourself and what clientele you advertise to. Right now, you are marketing yourself as a naive woman who won't stand up for herself and doesn't value her own time. You have attracted the kind of "buyer" who is looking for that product. When you undertake to provide childcare coverage for this family, you are doing something for free that most parents do themselves. You are showing how little you value your own time. In subbing out other sitters for yourself, you are teaching your client that you are easily replaceable: a dime a dozen babysitter--and you are treated that way by your client. It is important for you to understand how unprofessional that is because even if you ditch this problem family, if you don't rebrand yourself, you will just find another difficult family to work for.

I currently have a full time job, a part time job, and several families for who I do regular date night sitting. I am paid well for all of these jobs. My employers are considerate of my time and feel that they are lucky to have me. I am the first choice for childcare, even for the babysitting families. This isn't because I am such an amazing nanny, but because I know how to brand myself. I treat my employers' time as valuable and am clear about the value of my time. I take on extra tasks only during work hours, and only after meeting or exceeding quality expectations for my primary task: childcare.

You teach people how to treat you. What have you taught your employers?

NP and a nanny here, and I totally agree with everything PP said.