Vent: MB will not communicate
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Anonymous
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So, I work for an MB who is the sole earner (DB has a chronic medical issue and works part time from home and basically can't manage kids alone). She works 70 hours a week on a light week. I know that she is busy and stressed and exhausted. I have been with them 3 1/2 years under the same circumstances. I used to work 65 hours a week, but now youngest is in preschool 26 hours per week, so I have dropped down to 40 hours, and have gone back to school. I am fine with this arrangement, but...
Communication has always been an issue between MB and I. She thinks that I am over-sensitive, and I think that she is incredibly rude. (Example, I made dinner for the family last week and she came in and said, "Wow. I am actually looking forward to eating this." I stared at her blankly and she backpedaled and said, "Um...not that I'm not normally excited to eat what you make, I just meant it looked good." I get that she just doesn't think before she speaks, but she can be very critical/negative, and that aspect of her communication style does wear on me. That said, It's been 3 1/2 years, so I am sort of over it. The bigger issue is that she never makes time to talk to me about what's going on with the kids, make clear assignments about who is handling a given task, etc. I do a lot of stuff for the household. I plan, shop for, and prepare all the meals the kids eat 5 days a week, including making dinner for the entire family. I make a weekly dry-cleaning run. I known what's going on with kid's teachers and school and make sure they have supplies they need. I take the kids to most of their doctor appointments (they have a chronic condition too--unrelated to DB--so these are every month or so) and keep tabs on what we need to do treatment-wise. I sort, wash, dry, fold, put away, rotate, and shop for all of the kids' clothes. What frustrates me is that I did all these tasks and basically just ran the household when I was working 65 hours a week. Now that my hours are cut back and I have other things taking my time, I feel that my duties need to change to reflect that. I am actually fine doing all the specific tasks I just listed. The problem is the "implied" tasks. For example, the preschooler is still in pull-ups for naps and bedtime. MB put her kids to be 5 nights a week. She has just as much chance as I do to notice that they are running low, and she shops once a week, so she could pick some up while she's out. Instead, if they are out, she gets annoyed that she had to actually keep tabs on something. I am working 40 hours a week and doing a ton of stuff! I don't have time to be the pull-up fairy, too! Here's a specific example. The kids have a prescription drug they take daily. Before they left town for Christmas, I noticed they were running low and tried to talk to MB about it, to figure out how to get more before their trip. I told her we were on the last box (each one lasts a week) and that we would need more before their trip. She was distracted, and we didn't get to finish the conversation. The next day I found another box, so we had enough for their trip and for the first few days back. The night before the trip, as she went through their suitcases (which I had packed) she said, "Did you get more of their medicine?" I told her that there was enough packed for the trip, and that "we" would have to call the doctor for more as soon as they got back. The week they got back I was busy unpacking, dealing with kids out of school, etc. The Saturday after their trip, she called me in a panic because they didn't have any medicine and asked several times "How could we run out without anyone telling me?!" I did tell her! I told her TWICE! But because it is kid-related, she just assumed that I would take care of it, so she didn't bother to actually listen. I have begged her to schedule a time every week or two that we can talk (so that she might actually listen and remember anything I say) and she promises to change, but then never follows through. I try to bring things up at transition times, and she will appear to be listening and even respond, but then a few days later will say "Why didn't you tell me about that?" Or, my favorite, "I never said that. You're putting words in my mouth!" No. I was there. That is literally what you said. When I was working 65 hours, if something came up that needed to be done and I couldn't get her to talk about it, I would just take care of it, but I don't have time for that right now. I need her to be at least somewhat tuned in to what's happening with kids, and I don't know how to make that happen. |
Anonymous
| It's not going to change. She just seems to need someone for those hours that she was using you for before. Since you no longer have extra time available, she needs to find someone else PT to help take on some of this. She really needs an assistant as well as nanny if she is working so much and the DB isn't handling any part of it (due to illness I guess). The longer that you go on like this, the more that is going to fall through the cracks. She isn't looking at it like you don't have time for it anymore. She is still thinking that you will take care of everything as you always have. If she won't hire someone else, then you need to make a To Do list somewhere. Make it in a specific location, always stays there (on a wall if at all possible). This is the area that you post things that need to be done. NEED DIAPERS. SCHEDULE FOLLOW-UP APPT. CALL TO REFILL MEDS. Let her know that everything SHE needs to do will be put up there, with her name on it and a date if it needs to be done by a date. That way she can always see what needs to be done and knows it is HER job to do it. If she wants you to do something (and you have time for it in your schedule), then something can be put up with YOUR name on it. But otherwise, it really just needs to be something that she can see on a daily basis to help herself remember what she needs to do. Again, it would be easier to have someone else that came in for a few hours and did this for her. It would have been better for you to have kept doing it, and only decreased your hours by some but not ALL that she did. But nothing can be done about that now if you already have your schedule filled during that time slot. |
Anonymous
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Nanny here-
You sound immature, over sensitive and high maintenance. The pull-ups running low ARE your job. Expecting your Boss to sit down with you every week or two is insane, be a professional and just do your job. I communicate to my Boss via email, that way when she says I didn't tell her something I can forward her the sent email. I email her short and to the point messages and get instant answers. Grow up and just do your job, you're supposed to make their lives easier not harder. |
Anonymous
| I disagree with the pp. Why should she get pull ups? With the lack of communication from her mb it seems highly unlikely that she would be REPAID for that. And that's just one example. |
Anonymous
| Tell her. You were a fool to do everything for her. A pre-schooler is still in pull ups?! You allowed her to use you and only you can stop her. |
Anonymous
How is this relevant? Our pediatrician told us that many kids still wear pull-ups overnight until kindergarten. What a weird thing to focus on/criticise. |
Anonymous
| DB needs to help a little. Even if it's communicating with nanny and MB. |
Anonymous
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was it there choice to cut your hours? If so, is there any chance you could all agree to increase the hours again slightly? So maybe you do an extra 5-10hrs to what you're doing now?
That way if you are working some of the hours the kids are in nursery you will have a few hours child free where you can focus on things like booking appointments, getting stocked up on meds and pull ups etc. It sounds like this is what is needed. My youngest charge starts nursery next thurs for 2.5hrs a day 5 days a wk. I plan to use that time to do all the nursery duties etc and keep everything up to date |
Anonymous
It was truly mutual. I do have a few hours kid-free, but that time is spent on shopping, cooking, and laundry. I simply cannot take on any more hours. I like PP's suggestion to have a written list of tasks. |
Anonymous
Omg go away and shut up |
Anonymous
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Schedule a sit down meeting to not only discuss the children, but your employment. You, MB & DB need to work together. Can I ask what the husband has? Is he bed ridden? If not, he SHOULD and CAN help with little things. He's still a parent.
Start looking for a new position anyway. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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I don't really see your problem, OP. You know what the job entails and you were doing what you needed to do until, I guess, your hours were cut back. Confusingly, you are in favor of your hours getting cut, making your complaining all the more mystifying.
What exactly do you want, OP? You need to be able to clearly articulate this if you think you want anything to change. Frankly, none of your examples make sense or point to some horrible treatment of you. It just sounds like you're working hard and maybe you don't like that anymore. If that's true, fine. Quit. Get yourself an easier job and let the family find a nanny who can meet their needs. |
Anonymous
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She is saying she doesn't have enough time to do everything that she used to do when she had more hours. Which is understandable. With less hours, you have to decrease the workload a bit. Her MB is not doing this. Therefore, it just doesn't work.
She is in favor of having fewer hours since she went back to school during her extra time (if I remember correctly), and that is an advantage to her in the long run. If she doesn't need the extra money, then why would she want the extra hours? Besides, until the MB realizes that she needs someone for some extra hours over what is being done now, it doesn't matter if the OP was free or not. |
Anonymous
If you have a few hours to cook, do laundry and shop then get the pull-ups and medication. The laundry can wait, buying groceries can wait, but things like medication and pull-ups will cause problems/stress for everyone involved. If she says ''why didn't you go to the market to get my organic peaches I had told you to get?''.. Just reply ''I'm sorry, I had a very long busy day today. Between washing your skiddy underwear, to cooking your fatass a meatloaf, to grabbing little Timmy's pull-ups at the store so you didn't have to wake up at midnight to a piss-soaked kid, I simply wasn't able to fit in the grocery store. I hope you understand'' Your MB sounds like a nightmare to work for. I know these type of jerkoffs and they're typically unappreciative/ungrateful. The type who get stressed easily when they have to actually PARENT their OWN children. The type who will focus on shit you didn't do (passive-aggressively complaining about things that isn't your job. It's HER job as a parent to make sure her kid gets the medication he needs. Heck, she's probably the reason the poor kid is on medication.) I hope you're getting paid a house manager wage and not a simple nanny wage because this mother expects alot from you physically, mentally and emotionally. (physically because you're cleaning/caring for her child, mentally because you have to remember things and put up with her amnesia, and emotionally because she acts like a snot and criticizes your cooking.) You NEED to stand up for yourself because nobody in this world will stand up for you. She will continue to act this way and take you for granted and honestly, she's probably so use to it that she doesn't even realize she's being a twat. . I mean C'MON, She gets ''annoyed'' with running out of her children's supplies when she as an employee, needs to supply you with the tools to do YOUR job... She has no problem calling you out and being a passive-aggressive b*tch, so don't hesitate to (politely) call her raggedy out. I know she's your employer and you might get nervous about losing your job but trust me, she knows no-one in their right mind will take any of her bullshit or wash pissy bedsheets for anything under $30/hour so she will not want to lose you as an employee. Goodluck 
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