Repeating requests over and over...not a language issue

[Anonymous]

I am annoyed that my au pair 'forgets' little things I ask/show her to do, like turn off the bathroom light, hang up your coat instead of throwing it on the chair, put the remote control back in the basket, don't leave the fridge door open while you pour juice, wipe up little spills on the counter, sort the spoons by big and little in the proper utensil slots, put the knives in the drawer facing the same direction, etc. Yes, they are little things, but some not just about being nit picky, but practical and but about safety and energy waste in addition to being annoying. It's been 6 weeks and I showed her and have reminded once. I hate to be a nagging host mom, but...should I just make a list of 'reminders' like this and email it to her? Maybe it will be easier to remember if she sees it in writing? I don't think it's passive-aggressive. I think she's just generally inattentive to this stuff (and hopefully NOT as inattentive w/dc!) ideas?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if this is your first AP, because I think most seasoned HMs will have learned to let these little things go, as long as your AP is doing a good job with your DC and keeping him or her safe. Because, at least as you list them, these things are little things, and it does (at least, again, as you've written them) sound nit-picky. I'm not seeing what seem like any real safety issues here. Energy waste is annoying, it's true, but really, in our six years of hosting we have yet to have an AP who cares about our energy use the way we do. I chalk this up to them being 19 or 22 or 26 and not being the 40-something year olds who pay the bills and who worry about the thinness of the ozone when our kids are older.

One thing I have learned to do as a HM is to try to take the big picture and focus on a few things that I really need the AP to do well. Being attentive to your DC is of course #1. And it may be that coats being put away nicely is a big thing for you because coming home to a messy house is upsetting when you've been gone all day. And maybe the knives being straightened is important because you consider this a safety issue? But then let the other things go. Just decide you won't worry about them, you won't mention them, you won't think about them, so this way you're not annoyed when she doesn't do them the perfect way you want, and she doesn't feel like she can't please you and all you do is pick at her. Just choose three things and help her see what you want her to do and then thank her when she does it right (positive feedback). Once she masters those, you can pick a couple more. Or, it may be that by that point, you love her and are so happy with her that you no longer notice the little things. Because that is what happens. With an AP we love, we don't notice crumbs on the counter or the fridge left open while she pours juice. We as HMs are just so happy they are there and so grateful that they are making our lives easier that we find it endearing when they rush in, all excited, and throw their coat on the chair because they are too busy telling us about what Dc did at the park today. It's when other things are bugging us that the little things become big. Or, when we're just getting used to sharing space with a new person, which is, by and large, what seems to be going on here, that you have been used to having the house to yourself and now you are sharing, maybe for the first time.

[Anonymous]

+1 you're not going to find a "perfect au pair" because no one is perfect. Focus on the care your child receives and developing a relationship with the au pair. Most of the rest will come with time.

[Anonymous]

Last two pps are right, but this begs the question: IS she great with your kid(s)? She may be great but I'm guessing you aren't certain of that, because if you were I dont' think these other things would bother you. Unless, like one pp said, you've never had an AP or nanny before.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's our first au pair. And probably our last. I do not feel its worth the small cost savings given there is so much extra work for me to do with her vs a nanny. Thanks for the responses.

[Anonymous]

I was like you, OP, with my first AP. But then I learned to let the little things go. It's hard to have someone live in your house that does things differently, but you really need to pick your battles!!

That said, make sure you do what you want her to do and are not slacking off. She will watch you and if you don't always do it, neither will she.

Leave notes up. My last AP would never remember to clean the lint trap on the dryer...which is important and can cause a big problem! So I taped a note ON the dryer that said 'clean lint trap every time'. Know what? It worked!

Remember, these girls are young and some are used to their mom cleaning up after them or nagging them. They aren't perfect.

I wouldn't give up that fast...but learn to let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's our first au pair. And probably our last. I do not feel its worth the small cost savings given there is so much extra work for me to do with her vs a nanny. Thanks for the responses.

Have you had a nanny before? I wouldn't be so quick to assume that this is an au pair-specific thing. What pps are trying to tell you is that all caretakers have their stregnths and weaknesses and that if this AP is spectacular with your kids you should just be really happy to have her. If she's not awesome with the kids, these little things are going to be more annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was like you, OP, with my first AP. But then I learned to let the little things go. It's hard to have someone live in your house that does things differently, but you really need to pick your battles!!

That said, make sure you do what you want her to do and are not slacking off. She will watch you and if you don't always do it, neither will she.

Leave notes up. My last AP would never remember to clean the lint trap on the dryer...which is important and can cause a big problem! So I taped a note ON the dryer that said 'clean lint trap every time'. Know what? It worked!

Remember, these girls are young and some are used to their mom cleaning up after them or nagging them. They aren't perfect.

I wouldn't give up that fast...but learn to let it go.

But how is it that I can ask and expect my 9 year old to do these things but ignore when the au pair does/doesn't do them? How can the au pair supervise and ensure that the children are doing their jobs properly if she can't remember to do them? I expect my kids to hang up coats, turn off lights, empty dishwasher, wipe up their spills, etc. they are not perfect either, but they are much younger and yet do these tasks with more accuracy and frequency.. And I expect the au pair would be able to supervise these tasks to help and ensure that the kids do them as part of her job. She is not their maid, not do I want her to be. Everyone pulls their own weight around here.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. We're on our second au pair and I've come to realize that dealing with these kind of issues sort of goes into three categories - one is knowing yourself and your needs and picking an au pair you think is going to match with you on these "little" things that are very important to you, the next is letting the little things go based on your au pair's personality, and the third is to insist on things (allowing for rare mistakes) and explain why they are important.

So, firstly, if you are someone who is a very neat person, then put this in your letter, your application, and ask your potential au pairs about their own neatness. Don't be worried about scaring people off - the ones that get scared based on you telling them you keep a neat house are the ones that don't feel similarly. We have similar expectations in our house for all family members. Basically, everyone cleans up after themselves pretty much immediately and we do a total clean-up at the end of each day. I do it myself (this is absolutely key!), I remind the kids to do it when they don't, I expect my au pair to do it. I told candidates that when we were matching this second time and found that our newish au pair is a similarly neat and tidy person.

Secondly, with the au pair you have, decide which things are deal breakers and make sure she understands why. In terms of electricity usage, show her your bill, tell her how much it costs to leave a light on all day, let her know that it's really really important to you to conserve energy and tell her exactly what you would like to see. Even apologize for being nit-picky if you feel like you need to, but joke that it's just you and it would really help you out. And again, make sure you're doing these things yourself. Put up notes about safety issues, tell her that when she puts the knives away wrong, you stab yourself (or whatever the reason is). But make sure there is a reason for what you are asking.

And finally, some of these things you're going to have to accept just aren't important to other people. They're important to me, so I agree with you, and would happily put the spoons back correctly in your house if you asked me to. But you have to admit at some point that many people just seriously don't even consider that putting your coat on a chair would be offensive or would both someone. I've had to accept some things with my family already - like with coats, everyone always puts their coats on the stair rail when they get home instead of hanging them up. To them, they're going to use the coat again in a couple of hours, why not just leave it there? Drives me insane, ut it's something I don't have a clear reason for and I have to just let it go. Not worth fighting about. I like things in their place at all times, but most people aren't like that.

Au pairs take up a TON of time. That's one of the things that bothers me when people say that people get au pairs just because they're cheap. For one, they're not cheap. But secondly, what you're saving in money versus a nanny, you are more than spending in your own time and irritation That's why I would never recommend an au pair just for someone who wants to save some money on child care. You have to want the cultural exchange and the getting to know and accept a young adult.

Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you, OP, with my first AP. But then I learned to let the little things go. It's hard to have someone live in your house that does things differently, but you really need to pick your battles!!

That said, make sure you do what you want her to do and are not slacking off. She will watch you and if you don't always do it, neither will she.

Leave notes up. My last AP would never remember to clean the lint trap on the dryer...which is important and can cause a big problem! So I taped a note ON the dryer that said 'clean lint trap every time'. Know what? It worked!

Remember, these girls are young and some are used to their mom cleaning up after them or nagging them. They aren't perfect.

I wouldn't give up that fast...but learn to let it go.

But how is it that I can ask and expect my 9 year old to do these things but ignore when the au pair does/doesn't do them? How can the au pair supervise and ensure that the children are doing their jobs properly if she can't remember to do them? I expect my kids to hang up coats, turn off lights, empty dishwasher, wipe up their spills, etc. they are not perfect either, but they are much younger and yet do these tasks with more accuracy and frequency.. And I expect the au pair would be able to supervise these tasks to help and ensure that the kids do them as part of her job. She is not their maid, not do I want her to be. Everyone pulls their own weight around here.

Would it be possible to just post a list of reminders. One for the Au Pair and one for the kids? This is what I am planning on doing. We have somewhat of the same problem with our current au pair, she can never seem to remember to clean up after herself let alone to wipe up counters or tables after the kids eat....no matter how many times i remind her. I am always coming home to oatmeal on the floor from breakfast. It annoys me, but in the over all scheme of things not a big deal. I will continue to encourage her to clean up. Just a bit of an adjustment since all of our previous au pairs were always very neat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Au pairs take up a TON of time. That's one of the things that bothers me when people say that people get au pairs just because they're cheap. For one, they're not cheap. But secondly, what you're saving in money versus a nanny, you are more than spending in your own time and irritation That's why I would never recommend an au pair just for someone who wants to save some money on child care. You have to want the cultural exchange and the getting to know and accept a young adult.

Best of luck!

YES! But I don't think most au pairs realized how much we do and/or give up because we want to get to know them and enjoy having them around. Some au pairs think that this is a great deal for the families...but it's really not a "deal" at all. And if we and our kids don't have a positive relationship and experince that outweighs all the extra work and annoyances that come with hosting, we will not be happy campers.

[Anonymous]

PP offered some really great suggestions on how to differentiate and deal with different issues (mandatory needs, personal preferences, annoying but normal cohabitation differences, etc.) and I just wanted to say that I'd recommend having your AP and your children sit down together (with or without you) and come up with a list of daily chores - this could be a list at the doorway of each room asking "Have you wiped the table? Have you emptied the sink? Is there any trash left on the counters?" or "Is your bed made? Are the clothes in the hamper? Is your light turned off?" or it could be an end-of-the-day whole-house reset list, whatever you think would work best. Having them brainstorm this list together and then make an arts and crafts project out of actually writing out/decorating/hanging the lists where everyone will see them can go a long way toward having the AP on board. When you ask her to manage this activity with your DCs reiterate how important it is to you that the adults in the house lead as role models on these tasks and that's why you want them to do it with her - because she is a role model and can help to teach them etc etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was like you, OP, with my first AP. But then I learned to let the little things go. It's hard to have someone live in your house that does things differently, but you really need to pick your battles!!

That said, make sure you do what you want her to do and are not slacking off. She will watch you and if you don't always do it, neither will she.

Leave notes up. My last AP would never remember to clean the lint trap on the dryer...which is important and can cause a big problem! So I taped a note ON the dryer that said 'clean lint trap every time'. Know what? It worked!

Remember, these girls are young and some are used to their mom cleaning up after them or nagging them. They aren't perfect.

I wouldn't give up that fast...but learn to let it go.

But how is it that I can ask and expect my 9 year old to do these things but ignore when the au pair does/doesn't do them? How can the au pair supervise and ensure that the children are doing their jobs properly if she can't remember to do them? I expect my kids to hang up coats, turn off lights, empty dishwasher, wipe up their spills, etc. they are not perfect either, but they are much younger and yet do these tasks with more accuracy and frequency.. And I expect the au pair would be able to supervise these tasks to help and ensure that the kids do them as part of her job. She is not their maid, not do I want her to be. Everyone pulls their own weight around here.

Because you raised/molded your children a certain way, not the Au-pair. The Au-pair has most likely been doing these little annoying habits for years and I'm sure you and your kids do things that irk the Au-pair but she obviously isn't going to tell you. Remind her again, either verbally or through a email. If she doesn't catch on then post notes EVERYWHERE. If she still doesn't catch on then she's a nitwit.

[Anonymous]

You need to chill out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am annoyed that my au pair 'forgets' little things I ask/show her to do, like turn off the bathroom light, hang up your coat instead of throwing it on the chair, put the remote control back in the basket, don't leave the fridge door open while you pour juice, wipe up little spills on the counter, sort the spoons by big and little in the proper utensil slots, put the knives in the drawer facing the same direction, etc. Yes, they are little things, but some not just about being nit picky, but practical and but about safety and energy waste in addition to being annoying. It's been 6 weeks and I showed her and have reminded once. I hate to be a nagging host mom, but...should I just make a list of 'reminders' like this and email it to her? Maybe it will be easier to remember if she sees it in writing? I don't think it's passive-aggressive. I think she's just generally inattentive to this stuff (and hopefully NOT as inattentive w/dc!) ideas?

I'm a nanny, and I wouldn't pay any specific attention to a majority of these things, so this isn't just an au pair problem. The only two I can say for sure I always do are wipe up spills and hang up my coat. And even the coat might not get hung up immediately if I was trying to wrangle the kids into the house. You ARE being nitpicky, and I think it's time to either adjust your some of your expectations with this stuff, or adjust your work/lifestyle so that you are home and able to do these tasks yourself. No one is ever going to be able to perform all these tasks the exact same way that you would, it's just the nature of childcare. If your child is happy and healthy, and the house is kept reasonably tidy, those should be the primary factors.