An MB who won’t look at her own actions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I tend to agree that you need to detach and let go. Use the same skills you use with your charge when she tantrums.

Basically, this is not about you. You know it and she knows is and honestly the preschool teachers probably know it too. For whatever reason reality is not comfortable for her on this one. Engaging serves no real purpose. It will make her deal with an uncomfortable truth without fixing much of anything.

The closest I would come is to address it in the moment by feigning genuine concern:
MB: “Oh you always spoil her!”
Nanny: “Is that really something you are concerned about? What rules do you feel I am not successfully enforcing?”

BTDT. I said “ I am? I wasn’t aware. Can you give me a few examples so that I can correct it, please?” Of course, the examples she gave were things the parents were doing, so I asked when I had done those things, but I didn’t remember doing them. Nothing changed in their behavior with the child, but at least I was no longer blamed.

Okay, so you know she is being irrational. You can either try to force her to live in reality (she is in denial and will fight it all the way), or shrug and accept thay she is not rational, or quit and find someone with a better grasp on reality. If she is not irrational in most areas, I would just accept this as her weak spot. Everybody has some flaw.

Pp here. I have no problem accepting parent behavior that I know I can’t change. I won’t be blamed for their issues, as I illustrated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, I tend to agree that you need to detach and let go. Use the same skills you use with your charge when she tantrums.

Basically, this is not about you. You know it and she knows is and honestly the preschool teachers probably know it too. For whatever reason reality is not comfortable for her on this one. Engaging serves no real purpose. It will make her deal with an uncomfortable truth without fixing much of anything.

The closest I would come is to address it in the moment by feigning genuine concern:
MB: “Oh you always spoil her!”
Nanny: “Is that really something you are concerned about? What rules do you feel I am not successfully enforcing?”

BTDT. I said “ I am? I wasn’t aware. Can you give me a few examples so that I can correct it, please?” Of course, the examples she gave were things the parents were doing, so I asked when I had done those things, but I didn’t remember doing them. Nothing changed in their behavior with the child, but at least I was no longer blamed.

Okay, so you know she is being irrational. You can either try to force her to live in reality (she is in denial and will fight it all the way), or shrug and accept thay she is not rational, or quit and find someone with a better grasp on reality. If she is not irrational in most areas, I would just accept this as her weak spot. Everybody has some flaw.

Pp here. I have no problem accepting parent behavior that I know I can’t change. I won’t be blamed for their issues, as I illustrated.

Okay, so this particular form of irrational behavior does not work for you. I wish you luck on your job hunt.

[Anonymous]

A full time nanny is the easiest and most logical scapegoat to any unwanted behavior. I bet daycare mothers do the same.

[Anonymous]

Next time she says something, be polite but direct. “MB, you have mentioned this many times and I am truly at a loss as to what you are referring to. I have Larla pick up her own clothes and toys, dress herself, put on her shoes, etc. When she cries I comfort her, but guide her to do it herself. If there is something you would like me to do differently, please be direct and tell me.”

Also, it is part of your job to understand that parents, especially mothers, have guilt for not being around as much as they’d like. She doesn’t want the time she spends with her daughter to be a struggle and it is generally a little bit of a struggle when approaching something differently, such as asking her daughter to dress herself(or whatever).

[Anonymous]

It sounds like this MB doesn't understand how much patience/consistency her daughter needs? I'm with my daughter (toddler) all day long and really just starting to understand how much consistency it takes hour after hour, day after day after day, to make any progress on things like what you mentioned (dressing, putting away toys, etc.). It sounds like this MB doesn't understand that kind of persistence - she just expects that you will have taught her daughter these things and that she doesn't need to put any work in. It just sounds like you somehow need to get on the same page for how you're going to handle this child re: dressing, toys, etc. Not sure how to do that....

[Anonymous]

OP, do you do preschool pickup and drop-off? If so, see if you can develop a rapport with the teachers. If they know you're on your game, they'll start to see how your charge relates with you, and start to understand the family dynamics a bit more, so they don't automatically think the parents are doing everything right and you're always wrong.

[Anonymous]

This thread has been really illuminating. I am in this exact position now. As a nanny, it is truly awful. My employer/charge mother has been doing this all week. It’s starting to really weigh on me. When my charge and I are alone, my charge is great - happy, outgoing and assertive. The second her mother walks in, my charge becomes a weepy, clingy, shy mess. And the mother smiles! Then patronizingly explain to me what I am doing incorrectly to make her DD behave that way.

This is a particularly bad week since we are all away in the mountains this week. I have next week off for the holidays and I am going to think long and hard about whether or not I can continue with this family as my employer is having a baby in the spring and will be around for four months. I am barely surviving this week. I am not going to make it four months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has been really illuminating. I am in this exact position now. As a nanny, it is truly awful. My employer/charge mother has been doing this all week. It’s starting to really weigh on me. When my charge and I are alone, my charge is great - happy, outgoing and assertive. The second her mother walks in, my charge becomes a weepy, clingy, shy mess. And the mother smiles! Then patronizingly explain to me what I am doing incorrectly to make her DD behave that way.

This is a particularly bad week since we are all away in the mountains this week. I have next week off for the holidays and I am going to think long and hard about whether or not I can continue with this family as my employer is having a baby in the spring and will be around for four months. I am barely surviving this week. I am not going to make it four months.

Sorry, PP. I know I couldn’t handle that for the length of a maternity leave. I hope someone has some words of wisdom for you. I would give my notice in your situation.