This is wrong, right?

[Anonymous]

One of our APs extended for second year with a local family; it lasted less than a month before she asked for rematch.

A couple months later the former HF called me and actually asked if we were still in touch with our former AP (we were) and asked me if I had any idea what went wrong (I think they were having issues with their rematch AP).

Anyway, I straight up told them they were a bad host family (really late hours, like 11pm end of shift, disorganized and poor communication) compared to most we knew of; and their high rematch rate (like 4 or 5 rematches in 8 years) is a reflection of the them, not the APs.

Some families just suck - like ones trying to stick an AP on a couch for a week...let alone 2 weeks. Some people are just lame; bad for the program and probably not that great of people in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see anything wrong with the couch as long as it’s a private room, like the office and not the living room.

Is an air bed really that much better than a couch? And maybe it’s a pull out couch.

I call OP an AP troll looking for ammunition against their host family for not giving a free extra two weeks of vacation and leaving them at home to do whatever they want plus having a chosen 2 weeks.

Now that I think about it, you are right!

I'll only say it one more time - not a troll - I just think its unfair, especially at Christmas time. I would suggest if she chooses not to come she would lose one week of vacation, not all of her vacation. Apparently she wants to save up and go to disneyland later in the year. No idea if it was all disclosed during matching.

[Anonymous]

Frankly, MYOB

Tell the AP to speak to her counselor if she has concerns. Speak up instead of gossiping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of our APs extended for second year with a local family; it lasted less than a month before she asked for rematch.

A couple months later the former HF called me and actually asked if we were still in touch with our former AP (we were) and asked me if I had any idea what went wrong (I think they were having issues with their rematch AP).

Anyway, I straight up told them they were a bad host family (really late hours, like 11pm end of shift, disorganized and poor communication) compared to most we knew of; and their high rematch rate (like 4 or 5 rematches in 8 years) is a reflection of the them, not the APs.

Some families just suck - like ones trying to stick an AP on a couch for a week...let alone 2 weeks. Some people are just lame; bad for the program and probably not that great of people in general.

I know a lot of people like this. They're just totally not concerned about anyone else's feelings -- if it's good (or necessary) for them, then it's fine for anyone else affected by it, particularly if they are paying (or paying for) that person.

Somehow they think all the money they pay to the agency, which the au pair does not share in, and the cost of housing/feeding her justifies asking her to totally give up all rights to dislike any aspect of her job or ask to do it differently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"AP-Larla, we are going to Auntie Ems house in Kansas for two weeks over Christmas. If you want to come and work, you will have the downstairs rec room for your space. No one else will be using it during the trip. It has a pull-out couch and half bath; you'll share the main shower upstairs with everyone else. If you don't want to come and use your 2 weeks of vacation instead, that's fine. Just let us know by the end of next week."
There is nothing horrific about this scenario.

It is so, so expensive to travel over Christmas and APs balk at family situations. One of the reasons I am so jaded on the program. If they're here for a true family-based cultural exchange (as opposed to an education study abroad), why all these posts about APs that don't want to go to grandma's house.

They are already living with someone else's family. I can't blame them for thinking two weeks (!) in close quarters with a lot of other people they don't know and nowhere private to retreat to would be pretty awful.

There are other ways to come to the US as a year and enjoy more independence, notably on academic exchanges and as scholars. APs are choosing a cultural exchange visa. Our APs travel couch surfing. These conditions would be A-OK with most APs, I think this one is just trying to get extra vacay and can't afford Disney during the week in question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"AP-Larla, we are going to Auntie Ems house in Kansas for two weeks over Christmas. If you want to come and work, you will have the downstairs rec room for your space. No one else will be using it during the trip. It has a pull-out couch and half bath; you'll share the main shower upstairs with everyone else. If you don't want to come and use your 2 weeks of vacation instead, that's fine. Just let us know by the end of next week."
There is nothing horrific about this scenario.

It is so, so expensive to travel over Christmas and APs balk at family situations. One of the reasons I am so jaded on the program. If they're here for a true family-based cultural exchange (as opposed to an education study abroad), why all these posts about APs that don't want to go to grandma's house.

They are already living with someone else's family. I can't blame them for thinking two weeks (!) in close quarters with a lot of other people they don't know and nowhere private to retreat to would be pretty awful.

There are other ways to come to the US as a year and enjoy more independence, notably on academic exchanges and as scholars. APs are choosing a cultural exchange visa. Our APs travel couch surfing. These conditions would be A-OK with most APs, I think this one is just trying to get extra vacay and can't afford Disney during the week in question.

Couch surfing with friends or by choice to see a new place is very different than being forced to go spend Christmas with someone else's family in a living room that needs to be put back in order before everyone wakes up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"AP-Larla, we are going to Auntie Ems house in Kansas for two weeks over Christmas. If you want to come and work, you will have the downstairs rec room for your space. No one else will be using it during the trip. It has a pull-out couch and half bath; you'll share the main shower upstairs with everyone else. If you don't want to come and use your 2 weeks of vacation instead, that's fine. Just let us know by the end of next week."
There is nothing horrific about this scenario.

It is so, so expensive to travel over Christmas and APs balk at family situations. One of the reasons I am so jaded on the program. If they're here for a true family-based cultural exchange (as opposed to an education study abroad), why all these posts about APs that don't want to go to grandma's house.

They are already living with someone else's family. I can't blame them for thinking two weeks (!) in close quarters with a lot of other people they don't know and nowhere private to retreat to would be pretty awful.

There are other ways to come to the US as a year and enjoy more independence, notably on academic exchanges and as scholars. APs are choosing a cultural exchange visa. Our APs travel couch surfing. These conditions would be A-OK with most APs, I think this one is just trying to get extra vacay and can't afford Disney during the week in question.

I'm sure if grandma lived in San Francisco, Manhattan, Miami, or maybe Chicago, AP would go. Two weeks working and sleeping on a couch in the interchangeable suburbs of an interchangeable mid-sized city? Not so much.

[Anonymous]

How much do you want to bet that when AP gets there she's suddenly in charge entertaining the whole extended family's kids? This sounds like absolute hell. She's smart to put her foot down. AP should rematch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't ask my AP to travel if I didn't have a proper space. I don't know if it's against the rules, but it feels wrong. I would sleep on the couch before I asked my AP to do it. Particularly, if it was my family.

On the other hand, the AP is going to have 2 full week of vacations. That should count against her time. That's a half a month off.

If it was me, I would compromise and ask AP to give up a week of vacation time for the two weeks spent at home.

It doesn't have to be winner take all.

This. I agree.

You sound like a good HM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"AP-Larla, we are going to Auntie Ems house in Kansas for two weeks over Christmas. If you want to come and work, you will have the downstairs rec room for your space. No one else will be using it during the trip. It has a pull-out couch and half bath; you'll share the main shower upstairs with everyone else. If you don't want to come and use your 2 weeks of vacation instead, that's fine. Just let us know by the end of next week."
There is nothing horrific about this scenario.

"AP-Larla, we are going to PaPa Larlo's house in Bumfuck, Idaho for two weeks over Christmas. We are going to be sleeping in the guest room and the kids will have the basement room. You will need to sleep on the living room couch for two weeks. A pull-out couch? No, why should a living room have a pull-out couch? That's why the kids will be in the basement. A closet? No, it's a living room, sweetie. You can store your personal items in the basement where the kids sleep. Of course you'd have to get everything you need for the night before we put them to bed. Oh and you'd have to make sure that all your stuff is put away before breakfast of course. Also, we'll of course be sitting in the living room to chat until 11 pm or so, it's Christmas after all. And as you know little Larlo gets up at 5 am. That's also when we'd expect you to start working so that we can sleep in. It's Christmas after all! There is a bathroom upstairs that you will share with us and the kids. No early showers please. We'll be sleeping right next door. You'd wake us. We will only take one car which we will need to use with the kids, as you know PaPa Larlo doesn't drive anymore. If you decide not to come we will just count both weeks against your vacations weeks. So it's your choice if you want to go to Disneyland with your friends next April or not really. You didn't come to the US to make friends and travel with them. You flew thousands of miles to watch our kids wherever we want and whenever we want. That's why you are here. That's why we are paying thousands of dollars to your agency that flew you over. You better be greatful!"

Nothing horrific about this scenario?

The truth will probably somewhere in the middle. We'll never know.

[Anonymous]

If the HF didn’t offer to bring AP for the holidays, the AP would’ve complained about not being part of the family, of exclusion over the holidays, etc. plus, some HF truly get offended at the idea that the AP wouldn’t want to spend the holidays together- the idea of taking full responsibility for a cultural exchange, and having an AP who picks and chooses which holidays and circumstances in which to participate in this exchange can be truly offensive.
There are many APs who don’t appreciate their HF’s generosity or inclusion. I hosted an extension AP who was so unhappy about her previous HF’s Christmas trip, she couldn’t stop talking about it a year later. “We flew on Christmas Eve, it was awful to fly on Christmas Eve, I cried and cried. I was so bored just sitting in the house on Christmas Day”, etc. she didn’t work, the kids were older, but the HF felt it was the right thing to do, fly across the country with AP and include her in the family tradition, even if it meant the AP would criticize everything about their holiday tradition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:AP doesn’t have to have her own room, unless she’s working.
AP also doesn’t have a week of her choice, unless that was what her HF and AP agreed upon.

They can’t force her to come and sleep on a couch. Either she’s working, and she needs her own room, or she’s not working, and she can choose not to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the HF didn’t offer to bring AP for the holidays, the AP would’ve complained about not being part of the family, of exclusion over the holidays, etc. plus, some HF truly get offended at the idea that the AP wouldn’t want to spend the holidays together- the idea of taking full responsibility for a cultural exchange, and having an AP who picks and chooses which holidays and circumstances in which to participate in this exchange can be truly offensive.
There are many APs who don’t appreciate their HF’s generosity or inclusion. I hosted an extension AP who was so unhappy about her previous HF’s Christmas trip, she couldn’t stop talking about it a year later. “We flew on Christmas Eve, it was awful to fly on Christmas Eve, I cried and cried. I was so bored just sitting in the house on Christmas Day”, etc. she didn’t work, the kids were older, but the HF felt it was the right thing to do, fly across the country with AP and include her in the family tradition, even if it meant the AP would criticize everything about their holiday tradition.

This is pretty much exactly what I imagine is going on.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that stands out to me: that it's for two weeks. That's a long time for a family Christmas trip. Our APs would have the option to come or not, but it would be 4-7 days maximum. Most came with us to spend the holiday with our family, a 7-8 hour drive. And let's get real, my parents and ILs did not have a private room for the AP; they had only two spare bedrooms. Most years, the AP would share with one of the girls or sleep on a cot in the office (private) or living room. This did not count as vacation for her but she wasn't really working either, but she "lost" the freedom to go out on her own and have her evenings on her own. We tried to make it fun for everyone by getting out and doing some activities, but the part that most APs have commented on more recently (we're still in touch with many of them) was remembering my grandparents and parents and our family celebrations and being happy to be included and have presents to open. At the time, I do remember overhearing one complaining to a friend about our opening gifts early (before we left town), and I understand that. I think that some things are "different" than their own family's customs and that can be viewed negatively sometimes. I don't expect everything to be embraced 100%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that stands out to me: that it's for two weeks. That's a long time for a family Christmas trip. Our APs would have the option to come or not, but it would be 4-7 days maximum. Most came with us to spend the holiday with our family, a 7-8 hour drive. And let's get real, my parents and ILs did not have a private room for the AP; they had only two spare bedrooms. Most years, the AP would share with one of the girls or sleep on a cot in the office (private) or living room. This did not count as vacation for her but she wasn't really working either, but she "lost" the freedom to go out on her own and have her evenings on her own. We tried to make it fun for everyone by getting out and doing some activities, but the part that most APs have commented on more recently (we're still in touch with many of them) was remembering my grandparents and parents and our family celebrations and being happy to be included and have presents to open. At the time, I do remember overhearing one complaining to a friend about our opening gifts early (before we left town), and I understand that. I think that some things are "different" than their own family's customs and that can be viewed negatively sometimes. I don't expect everything to be embraced 100%.

My parents live across the country from us and when we visit it’s usually for 2 weeks. It’s too far to travel for a short time with young kids. We often go at Christmas and our au pairs have come with us. My parents live in CA but not in la or sf. They’re about 3 hours from la. We have gone to Disneyland with our au pairs the past two years, as a break in between Xmas and New Years and to give everyone a little breathing room especially my elderly parents. The first year we went our ap stayed in the same room with our older 2 girls. The youngest was a toddler and we all agreed it was easiest to give him his own room (in a pack & play). We got the kids out of the room as soon as they woke up and let our ap sleep as long as she wanted. The next year we put a trundle bed in that room (normally an office) and ap slept there and all 3 kids shared. We aren’t going for Christmas this year but will do an extended visit over the unmet and our current ap will come. We do our best to make part of the trip fun for her, but some of the time she works (although ok a very reduced schedule).