Seems like nanny doesn't love my baby, what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First time MB with a 10 month old girl. Our nanny has been with us for a few months now, and I think she may not love our daughter or babies in general. We have a nanny cam, which she knows about. When I see her read to our daughter or speak to her, it's in a flat tone, like what you'd use for adults or older children. Kind of matter of fact and bored. We have a babysitter who uses the more loving tone, higher pitched and saying stuff like "Ohhhhh, can you find the monkey in the book? Wow, you found him! You are such a good girl!" Kind of hard to describe here but hopefully folks get what I'm saying.

Is this something that is worth addressing with our nanny, or if we feel like she doesn't love babies, should we just let her go with some severance? I don't know if it's worth talking to her about it, because it's just a personality issue that would be tough to change. I think she could fake a loving tone, but it's unfair to ask her to do that. I don't love other people's babies either and I'm kind of reserved, so I get where she's coming from. But I want my baby to feel warmth from her care giver, and this lady is not very warm with her. I'd appreciate your thoughts.

Totally off topic and I apologize for that but I strongly recommend that you and any babysitter stop the "good girl" talk. Would she be a bad girl if she couldn't find the monkey? Please never use "good girl" for anything but in general perhaps you and her caregivers could stop commenting on her achievements at all.

Sorry but I was so irked by your example I had to point it out.

+1 This sentence jumped out at me as well. Never say someone was a "good girl" or a "good boy".

[Anonymous]

OP here... thanks for the reminders about "good girl" or "smart girl" - I actually did read Nuture Shock a few years ago, but had forgotten about praising effort versus inherent qualities like intelligence. Both of these caregivers praise inherent qualities, so that's something to tackle for another day. They are both paid the same hourly wage - the only difference is that one speaks in a cooing voice, sings to the baby while feeding her, and is more animated while reading. The other is a perfectly good nanny, but is cooler and more mechanical and less gleeful about reading to the baby or showing her things. Like a PP said, she would be fine with older children, but I wasn't sure if I should want more for my baby. I know no one can love her as much as I do, but I was wondering if it's reasonable to expect someone to enjoy spending time with her more than the current nanny. Thanks for everyone's input so far.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... thanks for the reminders about "good girl" or "smart girl" - I actually did read Nuture Shock a few years ago, but had forgotten about praising effort versus inherent qualities like intelligence. Both of these caregivers praise inherent qualities, so that's something to tackle for another day. They are both paid the same hourly wage - the only difference is that one speaks in a cooing voice, sings to the baby while feeding her, and is more animated while reading. The other is a perfectly good nanny, but is cooler and more mechanical and less gleeful about reading to the baby or showing her things. Like a PP said, she would be fine with older children, but I wasn't sure if I should want more for my baby. I know no one can love her as much as I do, but I was wondering if it's reasonable to expect someone to enjoy spending time with her more than the current nanny. Thanks for everyone's input so far.

Yes, that is reasonable to expect. Your child should be a joy to her nanny. And I am a nanny. If your nanny is generally a flat person with little infection I wouldn't worry about it. But if she seems bored and just going through the motions I would replace her.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps knowing that she is being watched/filmed makes her feel a bit reserved.

I know that I am a silly + goofy Nanny w/my charges, but if I knew that the parents could see me, I would definitely tone it down.

But that’s just me.

[Anonymous]

If I caught any of my employees checking nanny cameras while on the clock, I would fire you in a heartbeat. Check on your lunch break.

[Anonymous]

I hate reading out loud and don't do it in a sing-song voice. But I love babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here... thanks for the reminders about "good girl" or "smart girl" - I actually did read Nuture Shock a few years ago, but had forgotten about praising effort versus inherent qualities like intelligence. Both of these caregivers praise inherent qualities, so that's something to tackle for another day. They are both paid the same hourly wage - the only difference is that one speaks in a cooing voice, sings to the baby while feeding her, and is more animated while reading. The other is a perfectly good nanny, but is cooler and more mechanical and less gleeful about reading to the baby or showing her things. Like a PP said, she would be fine with older children, but I wasn't sure if I should want more for my baby. I know no one can love her as much as I do, but I was wondering if it's reasonable to expect someone to enjoy spending time with her more than the current nanny. Thanks for everyone's input so far.

She shouldn't be singing to her while she's feeding her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here... thanks for the reminders about "good girl" or "smart girl" - I actually did read Nuture Shock a few years ago, but had forgotten about praising effort versus inherent qualities like intelligence. Both of these caregivers praise inherent qualities, so that's something to tackle for another day. They are both paid the same hourly wage - the only difference is that one speaks in a cooing voice, sings to the baby while feeding her, and is more animated while reading. The other is a perfectly good nanny, but is cooler and more mechanical and less gleeful about reading to the baby or showing her things. Like a PP said, she would be fine with older children, but I wasn't sure if I should want more for my baby. I know no one can love her as much as I do, but I was wondering if it's reasonable to expect someone to enjoy spending time with her more than the current nanny. Thanks for everyone's input so far.

She shouldn't be singing to her while she's feeding her.

Oh, stop!

[Anonymous]

If the nanny doesn't present with a flat affect while interacting with you, there are 2 possibilities:

She is bored or burned out, neither of which is fixable

She is inhibited from being the best nanny she can be because she knows you are lurking on the nanny cam. It's hard for some people to be fun and silly and carefree when they know their every move is being scrutinized.

So you can let her go, or you can stop with the constant nanny cam. Use it sporadically, if you must, to see if there NCS improve when you are not metaphorically breathtaking by down her neck.

[Anonymous]

Things improve. Stupid auto correct, with "there NCS".

[Anonymous]

OP if you don't feel comfortable with your nanny please move on. A nanny should be warm and loving!

[Anonymous]

It is weird that people here seem to assume the presence of a nanny cam means the parent is watching 24/7 like a security guard... i have nanny cams that I check in the evening or during breaks in the day (and can scroll through at high speed), especially when I'm traveling for work and can't see my kids in person for days at a time. It takes me maybe 5-10 minutes max to get a sense of whether the nanny engages well with the kids over a 8-hour period.

[Anonymous]

I feel like a week ago there was a thread about a nanny loving her charges too much.

Now this?

[Anonymous]

Nanny here.

I am part of the nannies that don't think reading to a 10 month old is useful. So I don't do it. We look at books, point at animals, make animal noises, make voices etc but I do not read the story.
I'd feel ridiculous doing it and maybe I'd be like your nanny : doing it without putting my heart into it.

It doesn't mean I'm not warm in all other aspects.

If you feel your nanny can be warm outside of that one problem, give her a chance. If not, it's time to move on to another nanny you'll feel comfortable with.

Good luck OP