Nanny doesn't want to care for 3 kids

[Anonymous]

I think you just learned a lesson about why it is better to plan for your nanny year-to-year, not from birth to kindergarten. Your nanny has a life outside of her job and it may look very different than how it was when she started working for you. It's naive to assume she is planning on working for you as long as you need her.

Your nanny doesn't owe you a commitment like this, and she is sending you very clear signals that she isn't not happy with the future plan. Your current set up sounds like an absolute nightmare, something I would never agree to. Your future childcare plan sounds convoluted. It is probably stressing the nanny out that all your future childcare plans for a baby that hasn't even been conceived yet hinge on her. You need to take a step back and stop freaking out, and focus on the next year of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just learned a lesson about why it is better to plan for your nanny year-to-year, not from birth to kindergarten. Your nanny has a life outside of her job and it may look very different than how it was when she started working for you. It's naive to assume she is planning on working for you as long as you need her.

Your nanny doesn't owe you a commitment like this, and she is sending you very clear signals that she isn't not happy with the future plan. Your current set up sounds like an absolute nightmare, something I would never agree to. Your future childcare plan sounds convoluted. It is probably stressing the nanny out that all your future childcare plans for a baby that hasn't even been conceived yet hinge on her. You need to take a step back and stop freaking out, and focus on the next year of childcare.

You are right. She doesn't owe me a commitment but I don't owe her one either. She has said that she wants stability, she wants to stay with one family for multiple years and likes to see them grow. She told me that she wanted to stay with my family as long as we would like her to. The childcare plan isn't really that complicated. She would go from watching 2 kids to adapting to 3 kids (she would pick one up from preschool). The end. I shouldn't have to put in this much effort to make EVERYONE happy in this situation. I'm just done with it. done.

[Anonymous]

OP, there is a big difference between a mix of kids and three kids under three. She is older and may realize her limitations. You are asking a lot, especially with car seats, strollers and pick up/drop off with preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there is a big difference between a mix of kids and three kids under three. She is older and may realize her limitations. You are asking a lot, especially with car seats, strollers and pick up/drop off with preschool.

Well, by the time I actually have my 2nd child, my 1st will be about 3 years old. As it stands, the daycare that I am on the waitlist for does not have an opening for the fall and there really aren't any other daycares that I could get my child into right now. I could get him into a Montessori program at 2.5 but that's about it. There really aren't many good in-home daycares around me either and I just gave us up a spot almost 2 months ago that was literally in my neighborhood because things were going well with the nanny.

It's possible we could go ahead with the nanny share with the new family for a period of 1 year only and then my child should get into the childcare program at the local daycare or we could re-evaluate. I could offer to help pay for a short training course as a refresher. The last option is to try and find an entirely new nanny which I'm looking into but the options are not great where I am and it feels pretty intimidating!

[Anonymous]

I hope you have a good trial period with the new family.

I remember how empressed I was with a mother in nanny share who did the nanny's job (with her child, plus the other family's child) when the nanny needed a day off. Most parents couldn't handle that task.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope you have a good trial period with the new family.

I remember how empressed I was with a mother in nanny share who did the nanny's job (with her child, plus the other family's child) when the nanny needed a day off. Most parents couldn't handle that task.

*impressed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just learned a lesson about why it is better to plan for your nanny year-to-year, not from birth to kindergarten. Your nanny has a life outside of her job and it may look very different than how it was when she started working for you. It's naive to assume she is planning on working for you as long as you need her.

Your nanny doesn't owe you a commitment like this, and she is sending you very clear signals that she isn't not happy with the future plan. Your current set up sounds like an absolute nightmare, something I would never agree to. Your future childcare plan sounds convoluted. It is probably stressing the nanny out that all your future childcare plans for a baby that hasn't even been conceived yet hinge on her. You need to take a step back and stop freaking out, and focus on the next year of childcare.

You are right. She doesn't owe me a commitment but I don't owe her one either. She has said that she wants stability, she wants to stay with one family for multiple years and likes to see them grow. She told me that she wanted to stay with my family as long as we would like her to. The childcare plan isn't really that complicated. She would go from watching 2 kids to adapting to 3 kids (she would pick one up from preschool). The end. I shouldn't have to put in this much effort to make EVERYONE happy in this situation. I'm just done with it. done.

You aren't offering her stability or only one family. No wonder she's unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you just learned a lesson about why it is better to plan for your nanny year-to-year, not from birth to kindergarten. Your nanny has a life outside of her job and it may look very different than how it was when she started working for you. It's naive to assume she is planning on working for you as long as you need her.

Your nanny doesn't owe you a commitment like this, and she is sending you very clear signals that she isn't not happy with the future plan. Your current set up sounds like an absolute nightmare, something I would never agree to. Your future childcare plan sounds convoluted. It is probably stressing the nanny out that all your future childcare plans for a baby that hasn't even been conceived yet hinge on her. You need to take a step back and stop freaking out, and focus on the next year of childcare.

You are right. She doesn't owe me a commitment but I don't owe her one either. She has said that she wants stability, she wants to stay with one family for multiple years and likes to see them grow. She told me that she wanted to stay with my family as long as we would like her to. The childcare plan isn't really that complicated. She would go from watching 2 kids to adapting to 3 kids (she would pick one up from preschool). The end. I shouldn't have to put in this much effort to make EVERYONE happy in this situation. I'm just done with it. done.

You aren't offering her stability or only one family. No wonder she's unhappy.

+1. It sounds like she is burned out on the nanny share thing and wants a single employer. Maybe she misunderstood "coming to your house to work" and thought you would be her only employer, or maybe she understood perfectly fine but has since changed her mind, but it's clear that she either doesn't want a share or she doesn't want to take care of 3 kids, even if one is in preschool for part of the day.

I know it's stressful, sorry OP. I agree with the PP who suggested scheduling a day/time to talk to her so that you can both be prepared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I message the nanny to see if things have improved since this morning when my son bit another child and she said that he bit the child again and bit her. This is the child who DOESN'T bite at home at all. He doesn't act out of control and very easily re-directed. He can get fussy and stomp his little feet like any toddler but is not an out of control child. I'm done. Done. She cannot manage the children. I may just call my parents up and see if they can come down the rest of the week until I can find better care. I cannot handle this stress and I know the other mother is upset by this too.

Of course he doesn't bite at home, he doesn't have to share toys with other kids. Biting at that age is very common, and with 4 young children to care for, the nanny cannot be on top of each and every one of them every second. That's too many young kids for one nanny, especially if she is older (you refer to her as like a second grandmother).

She is clearly overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

This is the same OP who wrote the post in the general nanny discussion forum about toddlers and biting in nanny share, in which it became clear that this "third grandmother" nanny is doing a piss poor job of even supervising the children and also has not been proactive or responded well to the parents concerns regarding that issue.

This is also the same OP who wrote in the nanny job advice forum about this situation, stating that she pays said nanny $150/week and the other family (with 3 kids) pays her $250/week so this poor nanny who is with 3-4 kids at a time is making only $400/week for full time care!

This whole situation is completely insane. The nanny is clearly A) unqualified to care for more than 2 young kids at a time and B) no longer interested in doing a share (can you blame her?). The OP is paying the nanny less than the fees for an unlicensed in home daycare facility, and has said in her posts that she can't afford much more than that. Meanwhile OP is drawing nanny away from the family who she has worked with longer and who pays the majority of her paycheck, because OP wants nanny in her own home for when this possible second baby enters the picture, even though nanny has been clearly hesitant about starting a new share with a new family.

Are you even disclosing to the new share families that the MAIN reason you're leaving the other share is because your child has a biting problem and the nanny was UNABLE to handle it or even communicate effectively with the parents about it??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the same OP who wrote the post in the general nanny discussion forum about toddlers and biting in nanny share, in which it became clear that this "third grandmother" nanny is doing a piss poor job of even supervising the children and also has not been proactive or responded well to the parents concerns regarding that issue.

This is also the same OP who wrote in the nanny job advice forum about this situation, stating that she pays said nanny $150/week and the other family (with 3 kids) pays her $250/week so this poor nanny who is with 3-4 kids at a time is making only $400/week for full time care!

This whole situation is completely insane. The nanny is clearly A) unqualified to care for more than 2 young kids at a time and B) no longer interested in doing a share (can you blame her?). The OP is paying the nanny less than the fees for an unlicensed in home daycare facility, and has said in her posts that she can't afford much more than that. Meanwhile OP is drawing nanny away from the family who she has worked with longer and who pays the majority of her paycheck, because OP wants nanny in her own home for when this possible second baby enters the picture, even though nanny has been clearly hesitant about starting a new share with a new family.

Are you even disclosing to the new share families that the MAIN reason you're leaving the other share is because your child has a biting problem and the nanny was UNABLE to handle it or even communicate effectively with the parents about it??

It's also the same OP who asked about whether her nanny could live in the basement, but they would have to walk through her bedroom to get to the laundry room, back yard, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I message the nanny to see if things have improved since this morning when my son bit another child and she said that he bit the child again and bit her. This is the child who DOESN'T bite at home at all. He doesn't act out of control and very easily re-directed. He can get fussy and stomp his little feet like any toddler but is not an out of control child. I'm done. Done. She cannot manage the children. I may just call my parents up and see if they can come down the rest of the week until I can find better care. I cannot handle this stress and I know the other mother is upset by this too.

Long winded yes but I understood your concerns and they are very valid. But you lost me here with this post. Kids behave very differently in different settings with different people so in this particular instance, I think you are being unfair to the nanny and projecting all the other issues unto this situation. Take a deep breath...or 100...and have a calm thought through sit down with you nanny, have time frames in mind and an amicable (as amicable as is possible) parting with a fair notice period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the same OP who wrote the post in the general nanny discussion forum about toddlers and biting in nanny share, in which it became clear that this "third grandmother" nanny is doing a piss poor job of even supervising the children and also has not been proactive or responded well to the parents concerns regarding that issue.

This is also the same OP who wrote in the nanny job advice forum about this situation, stating that she pays said nanny $150/week and the other family (with 3 kids) pays her $250/week so this poor nanny who is with 3-4 kids at a time is making only $400/week for full time care!

This whole situation is completely insane. The nanny is clearly A) unqualified to care for more than 2 young kids at a time and B) no longer interested in doing a share (can you blame her?). The OP is paying the nanny less than the fees for an unlicensed in home daycare facility, and has said in her posts that she can't afford much more than that. Meanwhile OP is drawing nanny away from the family who she has worked with longer and who pays the majority of her paycheck, because OP wants nanny in her own home for when this possible second baby enters the picture, even though nanny has been clearly hesitant about starting a new share with a new family.

Are you even disclosing to the new share families that the MAIN reason you're leaving the other share is because your child has a biting problem and the nanny was UNABLE to handle it or even communicate effectively with the parents about it??

OP here- I do not live in northern VA so the prices are different down here. The main reason for the nanny share was not the biting. I wanted my child engaged in a little bit more structure, activities, transportation and I wanted to work with another parent who shared a similar parenting style and wanted to communicate. The other mother has been ugly to me. There is a lot more to this situation but ultimately I did my best to be kind, empathetic and try to create a situation that met everyone's needs (the nanny approached me about coming to my home). I offered to pay for a childcare class. I had in fact talked with the new possible families who still want to work with me. Long story short, the nanny told me this morning she does not want to work anymore for my family. The situation seemed like it was getting out of control later in the morning and I felt like it had become a potentially dangerous situation for my child and knowing that she doesn't want to care for him and is so overwhelmed, I came home and got him. I tried to end it without hostility but the nanny became extremely hostile towards me. the other mother thus far has continued being terribly cold to me and refused to admit that her children play a role in the dynamics. Anyone who thinks my child is some demon child and terrorizes others impacting her mental health does not need to be caring for my child. It's over. It's done.

[Anonymous]

After reading this whole post, and now reading that you were, in fact, the mom of those other posts, I don't think the nanny was reacting to your child. She, and the other mom, are reacting to you.

In the name of trying to accommodate everyone and fix problems, I think you made them worse, and everyone got tired of working with you. You're convinced that your actions are the best possible ones, but I think other people are telling you that they're ultimately difficult and self-serving.

You need to start over, and be prepared to put some distance between yourself and the nanny, and to spell out, in a contract, all of these little details with the other mom. This needs to be more transactional, and less family-like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:After reading this whole post, and now reading that you were, in fact, the mom of those other posts, I don't think the nanny was reacting to your child. She, and the other mom, are reacting to you.

In the name of trying to accommodate everyone and fix problems, I think you made them worse, and everyone got tired of working with you. You're convinced that your actions are the best possible ones, but I think other people are telling you that they're ultimately difficult and self-serving.

You need to start over, and be prepared to put some distance between yourself and the nanny, and to spell out, in a contract, all of these little details with the other mom. This needs to be more transactional, and less family-like.

This.

Start over. Just start a new share, with a new family and a new nanny and do it all differently this time (clear contracts and guidelines, clear structure to the scope of the job, clarity about current job and possible evolution of adding another baby in a year or more and the compensation increase you'd offer at that time, etc...)