Nanny kisses baby and says "I love you" to her. Is this OK?

[Anonymous]

I am the OP.

Post is partially made up but the story is true. I am actually the husband of the wife who told our nanny everything in the original post. This is our first child and I feel my wife is being extremely possessive and also somewhat jealous. In some fairness, there are other underlying issues with the nanny in play (for one, wife thinks nanny is constantly hoarding the baby).

I was hoping I could show these responses to my wife so she would see the light, but it has backfired. Instead, now I am a bad husband who feels the need to seek out other's opinions instead of supporting her. Now "I mean nothing to you" and she can't believe I would listen to other's opinions over hers. "I would always support you over everyone else." etc etc. It's out of control.

I asked her to apologize to the nanny however she is sticking hard to her original statements. I want to say something to the nanny myself but won't because that will make things a lot worse between my wife and I.

Maybe we should just fire the nanny and have my wife quit her job, because I don't know at this point if having a nanny is compatible with her character.

Bob aka "Mary"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.

Post is partially made up but the story is true. I am actually the husband of the wife who told our nanny everything in the original post. This is our first child and I feel my wife is being extremely possessive and also somewhat jealous. In some fairness, there are other underlying issues with the nanny in play (for one, wife thinks nanny is constantly hoarding the baby).

I was hoping I could show these responses to my wife so she would see the light, but it has backfired. Instead, now I am a bad husband who feels the need to seek out other's opinions instead of supporting her. Now "I mean nothing to you" and she can't believe I would listen to other's opinions over hers. "I would always support you over everyone else." etc etc. It's out of control.

I asked her to apologize to the nanny however she is sticking hard to her original statements. I want to say something to the nanny myself but won't because that will make things a lot worse between my wife and I.

Maybe we should just fire the nanny and have my wife quit her job, because I don't know at this point if having a nanny is compatible with her character.

Bob aka "Mary"

Sorry OP you got so many snarky comments. Sounds like you need a nanny that has experience working with new mom's, your wife is not the first to get upset that someone could be taking her place. You need a nanny with good communication skills and a big heart to see from the mom's side. Your wife does need to understand that it will be natural for your baby to cling to the nanny especially if she is with your baby full time. I have worked with several new moms and the thing I tell the child is " So many people love you lots, and so do I" tell your wife it is good for a baby to feel love from more then one person but no one takes the place of mom. Your nanny needs to have a healthy connection to mom.

[Anonymous]

Oy.

You have bigger issues OP.

In general, the more love in a child's live - the better. That is my stance (as a mother who has had two different nannies full-time for our kids, and several interim/fill-in nannies for vacations etc...)

There is no love that replaces a mother's love. None. No matter how good or bad the mother, no matter how present or absent the mother, no matter what. Nothing is the same as the love of one's mother.

But there is no such thing as being loved by too many people in a young child's life. Being loved by primary caregivers builds a sense of security, safety and worth.

You will have this same challenge w/ any nanny you hire, and possibly with any grandparent, family member, long-term babysitter, etc... I don't usually jump to this kind of thing but I think you and your wife would benefit from an outside professional opinion/guidance - in the form of some type of therapy. Your wife might benefit from some individual work on anxiety or insecurity, but the two of you sound like you need some help as a team.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

OP, my suggestion is that you get a new nanny that has different boundaries. There are nannies out there who view their employment as more of a job, not have such a strong personal attachment and will not take such offense to your wife's request not to say 'I love you.' They can still be great nannies and care for your child, but will not love' your child the way the current nanny does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, my suggestion is that you get a new nanny that has different boundaries. There are nannies out there who view their employment as more of a job, not have such a strong personal attachment and will not take such offense to your wife's request not to say 'I love you.' They can still be great nannies and care for your child, but will not love' your child the way the current nanny does.

This. But also it is important that the nanny does show affection to the child. It can just be in a different way. I have no problem with "I love you" I do have a problem with kissing given germs and my kiddos health condition. But hugs and sweet words and pats on the back etc are all wonderful from caregivers. The child needs to feel safe and comfortable with the caregiver and for that she needs to be able
To show affection in some way. Figure out what your wife will be ok with and bring that up when you're interviewing. You'll find a nanny that fits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello

Our nanny has been taking are of our baby from 2months-18months old. She has always been kissing her on the cheek but now has started telling her "I love you." We told her to stop and she started crying. I know she is only human and has emotions but at the same time she's not her mom.

How would you handle this situation?

Guess I originally posted this in the wrong place, got deleted.

Mary

Why would you want the nanny to stop saying I love you to your child?

[Anonymous]

Some people need to stay at home with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is a headcase.

#crazybitch
#gethelp
#watchyourownkids
#dontreproduceagainwiththiswoman

[Anonymous]

Would you rather she says to him stay away from me, I hate you child! I am just here cause I need the money?

[Anonymous]

Peaple is very crazy this days,the other day I went to interview the couple told me if they hire me I should not ,never kiss her baby,I stand up in front of them and say to them,thank I don't work for this kind family like you,good bye...

[Anonymous]

I say " I love you" to all the kids I have taken care of, whether they are newborn or ten years old. I say it in front of the parents and when the parents aren't around.

Kids and babies need to feel loved in order to thrive and flourish in the world. What better way to let the child know they are loved than to simply tell them?

[Anonymous]

Mary, I apologize for all of the people you have to deal with on this forum. It doesn't make you comfortable but ask yourself first what makes you feel uncomfortable about it? Then you know what to say in a loving way. I would talk to her and say you acknowledge how much she loves your child, you can feel it and it makes you feel you truly have a nanny who is loving. It makes me feel a bit uncomfortable when you kiss X (name of child). I love that you give X love, you can hug him, say you love him but please don't kiss him. If you don't say something now it will grow on you. Just be honest. You don't have to really ask the forum. Say what's true to your heart in a loving way. You know all the love she gives comes from her heart so also show her that. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Mom you are nuts. No child can have enough love.

[Anonymous]

oh wow. this is tough. If your child is loved she will be well taken care of. If you child knows she is loved she will feel comfortable being herself and her talents will shine.

I am sorry this situation is making you uncomfortable. Many of my son's caregivers loved him. Some just didn't click and you can certainly tell the difference! I welcomed the cuddles and loving nature between my child and his caregivers. He was so lucky! (Kisses were fine if on the forhead - I am germ freak) . I love yous are welcome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the OP.

Post is partially made up but the story is true. I am actually the husband of the wife who told our nanny everything in the original post. This is our first child and I feel my wife is being extremely possessive and also somewhat jealous. In some fairness, there are other underlying issues with the nanny in play (for one, wife thinks nanny is constantly hoarding the baby).

I was hoping I could show these responses to my wife so she would see the light, but it has backfired. Instead, now I am a bad husband who feels the need to seek out other's opinions instead of supporting her. Now "I mean nothing to you" and she can't believe I would listen to other's opinions over hers. "I would always support you over everyone else." etc etc. It's out of control.

I asked her to apologize to the nanny however she is sticking hard to her original statements. I want to say something to the nanny myself but won't because that will make things a lot worse between my wife and I.

Maybe we should just fire the nanny and have my wife quit her job, because I don't know at this point if having a nanny is compatible with her character.

Bob aka "Mary"

Don't encourage her to stop working. She's already crazy enough. Imagine if she's isolated from the world she knows and only has you and an 18 month old for interactions. I'm sure adult contact helps keep her as grounded as she is now. It'll be worse if she loses that.