Bringing up my own child on interviews.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So it seems the general consensuses is to wait to tell the parents until after the interview. I am close with all of my past families so they know I have a child now. So I feel that it has to be brought up before they call references and find out that way. Perhaps I can compose an email after the interview if the interviewing family asks for references to call and explain the situation and how I would handle sick days, the reason why my son is in daycare, etc?

[Anonymous]

PP here with a child of my own. My references at the time had a hard time discussing me without bringing up that I'd just had a baby so that was one of the reasons I disclosed. I put my baby in a home daycare because I HAD to work; the same reason other people put their kid in daycare or higher a nanny. I swear people on here are ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

Hire not higher...stupid auto correct!

[Anonymous]

I interviewed a nanny whose oldest child was the same age as my oldest (4). He was in full-day preschool, and she had back-up childcare, so that was no problem (I have three younger children she would have been caring for).

However, when she used him as an example for how she would approach things like potty training, reading, discipline, etc., it was clear that we had different ideas about these things, and I honestly didn't know how I was going to convey what I wanted without feeling like I was judging her choices as wrong. While not the only reason we passed on her, it was one of them.

So, no, I wouldn't talk too much about your child, especially early on.

[Anonymous]

I also vote not to bring up the child. I just can't imagine it being taken well. If you brought that up in an interview with me, I would assume it's because you plan to bring your child along to work - at least as a back up care option. Even if you then tried toe explain your back up care plan, I'd still assume that at some point in the year, your child will be at my house - to me, that's not a deal breaker, but it's also not what you begin the interview process with. The initial interview should be about what you, as a candidate, bring to the job. In the second round or when discussing the offer, then you bring up what kinds of accommodations or limitations you expect (ie - you won't be offering flexibility, so hours must be set with no changes), but it's a distraction to bring that up in the first round. It's kind of like saying your needs trump the needs of the job - which is true for you in your life (and true for me in my job too!) but that's not what an employer wants to hear from the get go. Let it be about them and their needs in round one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So it seems the general consensuses is to wait to tell the parents until after the interview. I am close with all of my past families so they know I have a child now. So I feel that it has to be brought up before they call references and find out that way. Perhaps I can compose an email after the interview if the interviewing family asks for references to call and explain the situation and how I would handle sick days, the reason why my son is in daycare, etc?

Lady, you are not living in reality. Clearly, your world is revolving around your child which is fine, but please realize nobody else's is. There is NO REASON why your references would mention that you have a child. I have hired many people, and been a reference for many people. I have literally never mentioned anything personal about any prior employees.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. I assumed references would bring it up, but I've never hired a nanny or babysitter so I really had no idea. I will wait to discuss my son then.

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny I start working as a nanny since I got my first child. I always take care of my kids and do the Nanny job too. My oldest daughter is in high school now. I have my son to take care. I do the Nanny share. I am nurturing Mother ( very protective) I take care of all my charges same way take care of my own kids. I wouldn't leave my very own kids with another person, to go take care of other people kids. It's like if you clean other people house and your house is always a mess. I am trying to make a little bit extra money. I need to rise my children too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How part time is it?

I would not want to get into a situation, personally, with a nanny who is going to put her own kid in home daycare 45 hrs/week but for someone who is going to work 20, I guess it is OK. MBs who need part time care are usually more flexible too.

Anyway, short of it is that it does not serve you to disclose this. A lot of MBs want to avoid this situation. However, since it is something that could cause an issue later, it would be better to mention at the interview so it is not a surprise later on after you start.

The issues with a nanny who has her own baby is 1. would she be constantly comparing her kid to mine? If mine knows her abc's and hers doesn't, will that be an issue? 2. will she miss work? 3. what is her motivation/need such that she needs to put her own kid in another person's care while she watches my kid? 4. will she ever want to bring her own kid to work which will not be ok with me?

When you say that you have your own baby at the interview, I would do it in a way that addresses the 4 concerns above, instead of just announcing and giving no details.

For instance, having your own baby which you will leave at home daycare will not be an issue if I know 1. you trust this home daycare already because of xyz 2. You would rather leave her for a little but during the work week so you can have a bit more flexibility for the budget which is better for your daughter in the long run 3. any backup plans you have in case your daughter is sick and cannot go to home daycare

So basically you don't want anyone caring for your child who does not think he/she is the most important and precious snowflake in the world AND you want to judge another woman for her life choices, particularly how she chooses to have her child cared for, and need to know WHY she is working (just so you can make sure it is a valid reason in your eyes).

You women go to work and leave your children with other people every day, why is it different for a nanny? Does your boss ask you if you trust your childcare? Does your boss ask you why you need to work in the first place?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I, as an MB, would find it odd and appalling that you would send your own child to some cheap, junky home daycare while trying to suggest you are a nanny deserving of a good wage. If you are worth the money you should stay home with your child and give him the love, attention, and education you would offer MBs child.

Maybe she wants a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, and food in their bellies. Ergo, she needs a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all so much for the advice, I really appreciate it. I assumed references would bring it up, but I've never hired a nanny or babysitter so I really had no idea. I will wait to discuss my son then.

Stop planning to discuss your son with ANYONE connected with your work! You're STILL missing the point. People at work care about your WORK, and NOT about your personal life. I love the shit out of my kids, but the majority of people I work with don't even know I have kids if they didn't see me at work while I was pregnant.

[Anonymous]

"3. what is her motivation/need such that she needs to put her own kid in another person's care while she watches my kid?"

So, what is the motivation of the lawyer, doctor, manager, nurse, and every other mother who HIRES a nanny? Because, you know, SHE is getting CHILD CARE while she WORKS. (the horror!)

Some reasons:
Nannies who are mothers may not have husbands who are independently wealthy so they may need to work. Just like some MBs.

Or nannies who are mothers may WANT to work for the same reasons that the MBs who are mothers do... because they like to continue their profession, they like to do something other than stay home with a child, blah blah.

Really!

OP: I direct a childcare center, and I am NOT LEGALLY allowed to ask someone I'm interviewing whether she/he has children. If she/he brings it up, I can go there. So DO NOT BRING IT UP. Because some MBs will then worry about whether you can get there on time, will take too many days off, will whatever. Just like the lawyers who are hiring female lawyers worry that they if they have children they will: be late, take days off for sick kids, etc. So don't disclose. And know that the MBs are not supposed to ask whether you have children. Just like when they interview for their high powered jobs, their hiring manager MAY NOT ask them if they are mothers, etc. A friend of mine told me that when she was younger, she wouldn't wear her wedding band during job interviews, since the next assumption in her male dominated field was "oh, she's married and young, soon she'll be having babies and won't be a good employee anymore"

Of course, as the director of a chidlcare center, I worry that those employees who have children will take more days off, be late, leave early, etc because of their children's needs. And so does every employer in America think about that. Some employees do, some don't, but I don't get to ask. And I don't get to discriminate against those who are parents.

Finally, people, don't assume that all family chiildcare is junky. A high quality family childcare provider is providing small group, socializing care, with a high degree of attachment, longevity in the child-caregiver relationship, with a wide variety of activities (outdoor play, playdough, blccks, pretend play, manipulatives, music, reading, songs, stories, etc). Sure, there are providers who plunk the kids in front of the tv. There are childcare centers where this might be happening, too (although I have NEVER seen one, but whatever). And there might be nannies who are plunking the kids in front of TV. And there are SAHP who have their kids watch hours of TV. But there are so many highly qualified, professional people providing family childcare and I just hate when people assume it's the lowest form of childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"3. what is her motivation/need such that she needs to put her own kid in another person's care while she watches my kid?"

So, what is the motivation of the lawyer, doctor, manager, nurse, and every other mother who HIRES a nanny? Because, you know, SHE is getting CHILD CARE while she WORKS. (the horror!)

Some reasons:
Nannies who are mothers may not have husbands who are independently wealthy so they may need to work. Just like some MBs.

Or nannies who are mothers may WANT to work for the same reasons that the MBs who are mothers do... because they like to continue their profession, they like to do something other than stay home with a child, blah blah.

Really!

OP: I direct a childcare center, and I am NOT LEGALLY allowed to ask someone I'm interviewing whether she/he has children. If she/he brings it up, I can go there. So DO NOT BRING IT UP. Because some MBs will then worry about whether you can get there on time, will take too many days off, will whatever. Just like the lawyers who are hiring female lawyers worry that they if they have children they will: be late, take days off for sick kids, etc. So don't disclose. And know that the MBs are not supposed to ask whether you have children. Just like when they interview for their high powered jobs, their hiring manager MAY NOT ask them if they are mothers, etc. A friend of mine told me that when she was younger, she wouldn't wear her wedding band during job interviews, since the next assumption in her male dominated field was "oh, she's married and young, soon she'll be having babies and won't be a good employee anymore"

Of course, as the director of a chidlcare center, I worry that those employees who have children will take more days off, be late, leave early, etc because of their children's needs. And so does every employer in America think about that. Some employees do, some don't, but I don't get to ask. And I don't get to discriminate against those who are parents.

Finally, people, don't assume that all family chiildcare is junky. A high quality family childcare provider is providing small group, socializing care, with a high degree of attachment, longevity in the child-caregiver relationship, with a wide variety of activities (outdoor play, playdough, blccks, pretend play, manipulatives, music, reading, songs, stories, etc). Sure, there are providers who plunk the kids in front of the tv. There are childcare centers where this might be happening, too (although I have NEVER seen one, but whatever). And there might be nannies who are plunking the kids in front of TV. And there are SAHP who have their kids watch hours of TV. But there are so many highly qualified, professional people providing family childcare and I just hate when people assume it's the lowest form of childcare.

OP here, thank you for that! You've answered my questions well. The home daycare he would go to is exactly as you described. I love it!

[Anonymous]

My nanny did not mention she had children when I hired her. When I later learned she did have children, I respected her more for being professional enough not to bring this up during the interview.

[Anonymous]

Definitely let them know about having a young child when you meet them initially.

And yes, there WILL be some families who won't want you because they may fear you will call in sick a lot, like if your child is ill.

Perhaps you can find a family willing to let you bring your baby to work.

You will make a lesser amount per hour, but won't have the added stress and expense of daycare so you may just break even.