New-ish au pair seems sad and homesick all the time - tips?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the AP wasn't prepared to live independently so far away from her family ...

Or maybe the family didn't do their best to welcome her.

Since the AP can't express herself here, we can't assume this host mother is saying the truth.

Hence my doubts that she was treated well.

Of course we should assume OP is telling the truth. What a sad way to live if you can't take people's word at face value. And what would be the purpose of a board like this? Actually, why would you ever come here if you doubt what anyone writes is true? Or do you just have a problem with HMs posts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe the AP wasn't prepared to live independently so far away from her family ...

Or maybe the family didn't do their best to welcome her.

Since the AP can't express herself here, we can't assume this host mother is saying the truth.

Hence my doubts that she was treated well.

I'm the OP. I just wish that you would provide useful comments rather than just a simple "I'm sure you sucked as a host parent and that's why she left." Listen, go back and read my post. I've had three excellent au pairs who have loved us and I'm on a board asking specifically for "suggestions for what I could do better or differently." And you're surprised that I don't find your "you suck" comment to be valid?

I'm clearly open to suggestions. I said as much. But also, I've had three au pairs who have been great, so on balance, three people think we're a great host family and one doesn't. Does it really make sense to lean so heavily on the side of being totally sure I'm an awful host parent? I'm sure there are things that I could do better, and I would love it if you had some suggestions.

[Anonymous]

How could I tell you what you can do better ? You didn't mention the things you did to make her stay a good one.

[Anonymous]

Oh, stop. OP, ignore that person who keeps badgering you.

I went abroad during junior year of college, I worked hard to be accepted to the program, I was incredibly happy to get accepted, I knew what it entailed, and yet - I was still a little homesick the first few weeks. It came and went, and it takes a while to get into the swing of things, there is so much new stuff coming at you, and if you are human you will miss parents, boyfriends, best friends, your dog, cat, whomever. For me it was my cat, boyfriend and parents - in varying order depending on the day. But then I started making friends, blah blah and within a week or so I was happy all the time.

(except that nobody is happy all the time, but you know what I mean).

And then I called my parents and boyfriend at Thanksgiving time and thought about turkey, football, apple pie, etc and was a wee bit homesick. Again, loved the program, wouldn't trade it for the world, blah blah, but still a wee bit homesick.

So everyone gets homesick, it's just whether one can handle it or not. Your au pair thought she could, discovered she couldn't, and admitted it and went home.

It's not like she's a deficient human being, just not ready, I hope in a few more years she'll try something totally out of hte box again and be successful at it. And the host family isn't a deficient family.

[Anonymous]

There's no proof that this family isn't a deficient one.

We're still waiting for the OP to tell us what she did for her AP to make her comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's no proof that this family isn't a deficient one.

We're still waiting for the OP to tell us what she did for her AP to make her comfortable.

Sigh....

[Anonymous]

I'm the OP, I'm game. We did all the same stuff we did with our previous three au pairs - emailed or Skyped with her at least once a week leading up to her arrival, picked her up at the train station as a family with a big welcome sign, had all new bedding and sheets in her room along with a welcome basket and some drawings the kids had made for her, spent the first three days on training and orientation including taking her downtown to see the museums and such, gave her her schedule for the next two months, took her to the MVA and the social security office and the bank to get her all set up, gave her a cell phone and use of a car so she could get around and get out and make friends, gave her off every weekend so she could do fun things and make friends, invited her along with us on the activities we did including nightly dinners, etc.

Unlike our three previous au pairs, she never said thank you for anything, spent all of her free time on Skype with her family at home, was constantly texting when we were out together as a family and at dinner (so I'll be honest, we stopped inviting her), etc.

I feel like we are very welcoming, but I'd be happy to hear if you have any concrete suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Oh also, after this thread, I took her out to Starbucks just the two of us and tried to have a heart-to-heart with her about what we could do differently and whether she really wanted to stay (she said we were great and that she was just really homesick but she did want to try), we engaged the LCC who talked to and tried to get other au pairs to reach out to her (since she always turned them down to go out, of course, they stopped asking). We also planned a couple of playdates with an au pair up the street.