New-ish au pair seems sad and homesick all the time - tips?
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Anonymous
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We've had three au pairs - all of whom were wonderful with the kids, true members if the family, and has the time of their lives. The first few weeks are always a little rough, but they have all made a real effort to get to know us, get out and make friends, and seemed very excited about all the fun they were going to have during their year.
Our fourth au pair arrived six weeks ago and seems sad and miserable all the time. She missed her family a ton, spends most of her off-duty time Skyping in her room, hangs around moping on weekends unless I plan something for us all to do together, etc. She's fine with the kids - not great, But they like her well enough, and is a sweet young woman overall. But the moping and unwillingness to get out there and try is starting to bug us. I have has two talks with her now asking her if there is anything at all that we can do to make her more comfortable and also letting her know that if she's decided this isn't for her, it's ok. But she insists she's really fine and wants to try. I feel badly for her, and I also don't think I can handle having someone moping around the house for a year as if she's required to be here. I'm also noticing that I'm feeling less and less invested in helping her because she's so not trying and doesn't give us any feedback. If I'm honest, I think she'll draw this out another month and go home, maybe right before Christmas or something. I'm almost hoping that happens at this point. Has anyone had a homesick and moping au pair work out in the long term? Any tips on helping her make a decision - either get committed to having a good year or go back home? Any suggestions for what I could do better or differently? Have you had an au pair leave because of homesickness? I'm really at a loss here and would love some tips or experiences . Thanks! |
Anonymous
| Maybe she's an introvert on top of having a hard time adjusting. People think I'm moping when I lay in bed reading all afternoon but that's what makes me happy. |
Anonymous
I'm the OP. Totally fair point. I'm an introvert too and my idea of bliss is a room to myself all weekend for laying around reading and drinking coffee. Totally understand. Thought I'd add that our au pair is crying every night and frequently appears to be on the verge of tears when I see her. I don't think she's a happy introvert. |
Anonymous
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Take her out at Starbucks or something, or a quick dinner, and have a talk with her. She might open up more out of the house.
Good luck ! |
Anonymous
Yeah that's not a happy introvert. Talk to the coordinator. Mention the nightly crying. It sounds like this young woman is in over her head. |
Anonymous
| Have you tried connecting her with other au pairs in the neighborhood? Maybe send out an inquiry on your neighborhood list serv? Perhaps she isn't the greatest at meeting people on her own but would do well if she has a companion sort of arranged for her. What about some au pairs from her home country? Maybe ask her to cook a meal from her home country so you can all enjoy it together -- get her talking about home and maybe that will open the floodgates and get her talking a bit. |
Anonymous
These are great ideas. Thanks! |
Anonymous
| I'm the OP and thought I'd provide an update. After a long weekend of moping around and not doing anything out of the house, our au pair told us last night that she'd like to return home. I'm incredibly relieved, and helped her book her flight for this Friday even though she said she'd stay two weeks. I think this is best for all of us, and I'm really glad she just pulled off the bandaid. |
Anonymous
| Happy Au Pairs never get homesick. |
Anonymous
Sure, and she clearly wasn't happy. I'm glad she's decided that it wasn't a good fit for her so that we can both move on to find a better fit. |
Anonymous
| Have you treated her well ? |
Anonymous
I imagine nothing I say could convince you that we did. Do you have concrete suggestions for me based on the information that I have provided so far and/or based on your own experience as a host parent, au pair, or live-in nanny? Or would you prefer simply to make generalized, unfounded comments to incite those of us who are actually trying to use this board to get information and tips on how to improve as host parents? |
Anonymous
Hi OP. Thanks for posting your update. At the end of the day, everyone is responsible for their own happiness. In your case, you AP was unprepared to live independently so far away from her world and family. There is probably not much else you could have done to help, if she was unwilling to help herself. I wish you luck and hope you find a good candidate next time around. |
Anonymous
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Maybe the AP wasn't prepared to live independently so far away from her family ...
Or maybe the family didn't do their best to welcome her. Since the AP can't express herself here, we can't assume this host mother is saying the truth. Hence my doubts that she was treated well. |
Anonymous
troll on |