DC said nanny told him to "be quiet"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This thread is what is wrong with DCUM. I politely asked a question. I fully agreed I may have been over-reacting and have no problem with anyone telling me so. What I have a problem with is the way people say it. You know nothing about me or my DC yet you are calling him names and putting me down.

Our previous nanny was with us for 3 years and had infinite patience so I guess I'm comparing the new nanny to her. And before everyone jumps on me and says I can't keep a nanny or I'm the reason she left - she left because we moved. She cried in her last day because she knew she would miss us.

I'm so done with DCUM. I don't know why people can't politely give advice. If the nannies here want to have good employers there is no reason they can't help people in a nice way. All this does is make me defensive and annoyed instead of saying you know what, I am over-reacting. I guess the anonymity of the forum makes people feel like they can be bullies.

I am not a nanny but an MB and I stated that you over-reacted and told you that you were teaching your child inaccurate use of the English language. I think most of the negative comments you received have been from other mothers and not nannies.

[Anonymous]

I think you're over reacting andiI don't see anything wrong with asking a kid to be quiet. Driving isn't the only scenario I can think of that might warrant that. Sometimes the chatter just needs to sto. Kids aren't very self aware and won't be unless we bring it to their attention... Billy you're chatting non stop, please be quiet while I concentrate. Billy probably wasn't even aware of his incessant noise making. It's not a flaw, just something he needs to be made aware of in the quest for self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Go post the same question on the General Parenting Board and just don't use the term "nanny" (or it will immediately be moved back here) and see the responses you get. Write that a teacher, Aunt or even a stranger asked your son to please be quiet - you will get blasted off the forum.

You are nuts, OP. And I am a MB too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're over reacting andiI don't see anything wrong with asking a kid to be quiet. Driving isn't the only scenario I can think of that might warrant that. Sometimes the chatter just needs to sto. Kids aren't very self aware and won't be unless we bring it to their attention... Billy you're chatting non stop, please be quiet while I concentrate. Billy probably wasn't even aware of his incessant noise making. It's not a flaw, just something he needs to be made aware of in the quest for self awareness.

OP here. Thank you for your polite post. This is my point. I know some people come on DCUM and ask a question but really just want people to agree with them. I came legitimately asking for advice. If I'm wrong that's fine that's all I wanted to know. This poster I quoted here told me that without calling me names and without making assumptions about me or my child. I think if everyone approached their answers in DCUM like this it could be a forum where people could get advice that they would actually listen to.

[Anonymous]

Listening to the advice is your choice to do so or not. Ignore the name calling, but you can see very clearly that you overreacted. Take it in and move on. The environment in this forum is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Yes, you most definitely over-reacted and yes, "be patient" and "be quiet" do not mean the same thing. Further, OP. you are stunningly over-sensitive and teaching your son to be the same. You are insuring that his life will be far more difficult than it needs to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should fire her immediately. It is far better to have a nanny who is willing to drive with distractions and take route guidance from a child than a horrible, no good, very bad nanny who would tell a child to "please be quiet." Remember: self-esteem first, safety last.

Was this really necessary? I asked an honest question. I NEVER mentioned firing her. Now whose over-reacting.

Fine. My tone was harsh and I apologize for that. But I genuinely have trouble taking you seriously. What is the problem here? The nanny is driving a new-to-her vehicle on a new-to-her route and your child is trying to correct her on the route (which she may intentionally have changed--I will often prefer a different route than the one my MB/DB prefer due to traffic, driving preferences, comfort with beltway vs. Waiting at lights, etc.) to the point where she does not feel she can safely focus on navigating. What would you like her to do in that situation?

And the facts that a) your child felt this was worth tattling to Mommy about and b) you took the tattling seriously and are upset with nanny and actively encouraged your child to tattle more in the future mean that you are setting the nanny up to fail. Your child now knows clearly that the pecking order is: Mommy>child>nanny. She is toast.

OP here. Ok, I do see your point. And FWIW I told DC sometimes we all go different ways but still get to school and that's ok. I honestly wasn't trying to set up the nanny to fail but I see how that could be the case. We had our last nanny for 3 years and I trusted her completely. I've done my due diligence win the new nanny and I guess I have to trust that, it's just hard starting with someone new after so long.

I get that it is hard to have someone new caring for your kid. This person is a stranger to you AND your child. There will be times when she handles something in a way that makes you or your child uncomfortable. But you set the tone. If you teach your kid to regard those bumps ("she used a slightly different phrasing than i am used to") as a red flag that somehow reflects on the entire relationships ("I you ever feel like she might be angry at you, you come tell Mommy right away"), then you are making it impossible for your kid to bond with and trust the new nanny. The best response here would have been, "I'm sorry you felt hurt. I bet nanny was trying to focus on driving to keep you safe." I know you want to helicopter to protect your kid from getting hurt feelings, but you are also going to protect him from having any kind of real bond with this nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You should fire her immediately. It is far better to have a nanny who is willing to drive with distractions and take route guidance from a child than a horrible, no good, very bad nanny who would tell a child to "please be quiet." Remember: self-esteem first, safety last.

Was this really necessary? I asked an honest question. I NEVER mentioned firing her. Now whose over-reacting.

Fine. My tone was harsh and I apologize for that. But I genuinely have trouble taking you seriously. What is the problem here? The nanny is driving a new-to-her vehicle on a new-to-her route and your child is trying to correct her on the route (which she may intentionally have changed--I will often prefer a different route than the one my MB/DB prefer due to traffic, driving preferences, comfort with beltway vs. Waiting at lights, etc.) to the point where she does not feel she can safely focus on navigating. What would you like her to do in that situation?

And the facts that a) your child felt this was worth tattling to Mommy about and b) you took the tattling seriously and are upset with nanny and actively encouraged your child to tattle more in the future mean that you are setting the nanny up to fail. Your child now knows clearly that the pecking order is: Mommy>child>nanny. She is toast.

I thought you were done OP. Go away.

OP here. Ok, I do see your point. And FWIW I told DC sometimes we all go different ways but still get to school and that's ok. I honestly wasn't trying to set up the nanny to fail but I see how that could be the case. We had our last nanny for 3 years and I trusted her completely. I've done my due diligence win the new nanny and I guess I have to trust that, it's just hard starting with someone new after so long.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to go with overreacting but none of us (including you) are aware of her tone. I've certainly told my charges to be quiet while I was driving because kids goofing off and talking excessively loud/ screaming because someone is touching their arm in the backseat are a major distraction and they are well aware that we use our inside voices in the car just like in the house. So, definitely be aware and if your DC mentions it again bring it up with your Nanny but otherwise I'd let it go this time.

[Anonymous]

I say this to kids all the time. Especially while driving in stressful situations like your nanny was. I usually say stop talking.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. The fact you are anonymous on here makes everyone get this big ego boost and think they can say whatever they want because no one knows who they are. Pathetic.

Anyways, I think you did over react but that's okay. You just had a nanny for 3 years and now are starting out with a new one so it's only normal to compare the two. I think the fact that she said "please be quiet" and not "be quiet" is a big thing. He was probably talking and talking and telling her how she was going the wrong way and it was distracting. There have been times where I am driving to a new place with my charges and the 4 year
Old will be asking 49478338 questions and I've had to ask her to "please be quiet for a minute". Your child is old enough to tell you if she said it angrily or got mad but to me, it just seems like she was trying to find her way and just needed him to please be quiet for a minute!

[Anonymous]

I have told my child to be quiet in the car if I was confused, lost or tired. Maybe you should drive your own kid if it is an issue.

[Anonymous]

I tell my charges to STFU all the time. they bicker real bad in the car.

I see nothing wrong with what you did OP. As nannies we are entrusted to use our best judgement to raise children, and if that involves them not talking for a minute then so be it.

Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

What is wrong with politely asking a child to be quiet so you can concentrate on driving, particularly a new route? How entitled do we want our children to be, exactly?

[Anonymous]

when I was 8 and crying over someone not inviting me to a birthday party my mom said to me, "you are going to need to be a lot less sensitive or life is going to be tough for you."

someone needed to tell OP that early on.