SAHM watching DS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't mix business with pleasure. If she does something you don't agree with, how will you handle telling her?

This will affect your friendship. Most likely in a negative way.

You practice respectful discussion and compromise, as you would if it was your sister or mother taking care of your children for you. It demands more work, but is more stable for the children when you have family or friends helping you.

What you say is true about HELPING. Helping doesn't involve payment. OP wouldn't pay her mom or sister for taking care of her child (well I hope not). OP's friend wants to charge OP for what she proposed, and charge an inflated rate unsubstantiated by the market.

When payment is involved, it's service, and the OP has every right to treat this as an employer/employee relationship, with all the expectations and standards of such.

"Helping" means to give assistance or support. It can be either paid or unpaid. The person providing the help can be someone you know or a total stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't mix business with pleasure. If she does something you don't agree with, how will you handle telling her?

This will affect your friendship. Most likely in a negative way.

You practice respectful discussion and compromise, as you would if it was your sister or mother taking care of your children for you. It demands more work, but is more stable for the children when you have family or friends helping you.

What you say is true about HELPING. Helping doesn't involve payment. OP wouldn't pay her mom or sister for taking care of her child (well I hope not). OP's friend wants to charge OP for what she proposed, and charge an inflated rate unsubstantiated by the market.

When payment is involved, it's service, and the OP has every right to treat this as an employer/employee relationship, with all the expectations and standards of such.

"Helping" means to give assistance or support. It can be either paid or unpaid. The person providing the help can be someone you know or a total stranger.

By framing it as "help", you deny the OP the right to have standards about the kind of care this woman offers to provide. I don't think charging inflated rates for childcare on terms super-advantageous to the provider qualifies as help. The only person that mom wants to help is herself.

Help would be "I'll watch your kid for an hour while you run an errand." The "bring your kid to my house where I will stay with my baby and do as I please while you pay me an above-market rate and have no say in what I do" doesn't qualify as help.

I've had nannies before and while I loved them, I never thought of what they did as "help." It was a service provider relationship. They offered a professional service that met my standards and I compensated them for it. That's the right mindset for paid childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't mix business with pleasure. If she does something you don't agree with, how will you handle telling her?

This will affect your friendship. Most likely in a negative way.

You practice respectful discussion and compromise, as you would if it was your sister or mother taking care of your children for you. It demands more work, but is more stable for the children when you have family or friends helping you.

What you say is true about HELPING. Helping doesn't involve payment. OP wouldn't pay her mom or sister for taking care of her child (well I hope not). OP's friend wants to charge OP for what she proposed, and charge an inflated rate unsubstantiated by the market.

When payment is involved, it's service, and the OP has every right to treat this as an employer/employee relationship, with all the expectations and standards of such.

"Helping" means to give assistance or support. It can be either paid or unpaid. The person providing the help can be someone you know or a total stranger.

By framing it as "help", you deny the OP the right to have standards about the kind of care this woman offers to provide. I don't think charging inflated rates for childcare on terms super-advantageous to the provider qualifies as help. The only person that mom wants to help is herself.

Help would be "I'll watch your kid for an hour while you run an errand." The "bring your kid to my house where I will stay with my baby and do as I please while you pay me an above-market rate and have no say in what I do" doesn't qualify as help.

I've had nannies before and while I loved them, I never thought of what they did as "help." It was a service provider relationship. They offered a professional service that met my standards and I compensated them for it. That's the right mindset for paid childcare.

It all depends on how you wish to look at it. I've never had a MB who didn't profusely thank me for the help I gave her. One of them even gave me the same percentage every year of her annual bonus. She was a Capitol Hill lobbyist in one of our major industries. As you might imagine, my annual bonus was quite generous and I appreciated that.

That parent frequently reminded me that she couldn't do her job if I didn't do my job as well as I did. She depended on me to provide an amazing early childhood experience for her child. I did everything from finding substitute childcare whenever I took time off, to selecting the child's first half day preschool program, all with the Mother's stamp of approval. It was a "win-win-win" relationship for the Mother, for me, and most importantly, for the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It all depends on how you wish to look at it. I've never had a MB who didn't profusely thank me for the help I gave her. One of them even gave me the same percentage every year of her annual bonus. She was a Capitol Hill lobbyist in one of our major industries. As you might imagine, my annual bonus was quite generous and I appreciated that.

That parent frequently reminded me that she couldn't do her job if I didn't do my job as well as I did. She depended on me to provide an amazing early childhood experience for her child. I did everything from finding substitute childcare whenever I took time off, to selecting the child's first half day preschool program, all with the Mother's stamp of approval. It was a "win-win-win" relationship for the Mother, for me, and most importantly, for the child.

I don't think you and I necessarily disagree, it's just a difference in terminology is all. It sounds like you are a great nanny and that the mom appreciated it. Of course you were helpful to her and did a great job from the sound of it.

From the way OP described her proposed arrangement, it doesn't sound professional to me at all. That mom is not doing her a favor. She's offering to provide a service for which she wants to receive an over-inflated rate. At that point it should become a professional arrangement, where OP has the right to dictate terms, set expectations, etc., in other words, behave like a MB with a professional nanny. Not a friend whose friend is doing her a favor. I hope I am able to explain it better this time.

[Anonymous]

OP here, so today was an interesting day. I agree with the posters who said that this is a highly inflated rate. It just is. I have worked as a full time nanny before, and made close to this figure. In this role I went to the house, cleaned while the child napped, and also took the child (infant) up to his moms office EVERY DAY so she could breast feed. I was happy to do all of this because it was my job, and since he was my only priority I had time to focus on his needs and the family.
The friend does have extensive childcare experience, as well as being a former preschool teacher. I have no doubt that she would be a wonderful person for DS to spend the first year of his life with.
We countered with a rate of 400.00 a week. Still higher than we would pay in a comparable nanny share and we lose the convenience of having her come to us, which is no small thing.
We will see where it goes.

[Anonymous]

Is she going to get licensed, OP?

[Anonymous]

I would expect to pay $320 to $400 per week for this arrangement.

But I agree that combining an employment relationship with a friendship can be tricky. One of my biggest concerns would be her availability. Will she think of her childcare duties to you as a job that she is required to do each day except when on scheduled vacations, holidays, or sick leave? Or will she expect to retain all the freedom to come and go at will that goes with being a stay home mom?

Also, if yours is the only other child she cares for and she isn't marketing her availability for more, I'm not sure about some of the prior posts who claim she would be running an in-home daycare rather than a nanny share. You'd need to check the local laws on that, OP.

[Anonymous]

We don't really know what the friend has in mind. The OP and the prospective childcare provider are at the earliest stage in their discussions. So the care provider had an inflated sense of what her services are worth on the market? That's not unusual even among seasoned nannies, and this woman is new to the field. I don't think we can assume on that basis that the friend isn't prepared to handle the duties like a professional. Also, according to OP, the friend is a former nanny and preschool teacher. Maybe she's concluded that she's worth more than the typical share nanny, and maybe she's right. Or maybe not, but that doesn't tell us how seriously she'll take the work.

As for those of you getting hung up on the word "help," I don't get this. My nanny is a professional, but her job is to help me with all things child-related. My job is to help people with their legal problems and I count on my physicians, hair stylists, and the like to help me with my health and personal maintenance needs. In fact, I'm not sure anyone gets paid to do something other than "help" other people--be they bosses, clients, charges, customers, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We don't really know what the friend has in mind. The OP and the prospective childcare provider are at the earliest stage in their discussions. So the care provider had an inflated sense of what her services are worth on the market? That's not unusual even among seasoned nannies, and this woman is new to the field. I don't think we can assume on that basis that the friend isn't prepared to handle the duties like a professional. Also, according to OP, the friend is a former nanny and preschool teacher. Maybe she's concluded that she's worth more than the typical share nanny, and maybe she's right. Or maybe not, but that doesn't tell us how seriously she'll take the work.

As for those of you getting hung up on the word "help," I don't get this. My nanny is a professional, but her job is to help me with all things child-related. My job is to help people with their legal problems and I count on my physicians, hair stylists, and the like to help me with my health and personal maintenance needs. In fact, I'm not sure anyone gets paid to do something other than "help" other people--be they bosses, clients, charges, customers, or whatever.

OP didn't say she's a former nanny. Just that she has "extensive childcare experience".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We don't really know what the friend has in mind. The OP and the prospective childcare provider are at the earliest stage in their discussions. So the care provider had an inflated sense of what her services are worth on the market? That's not unusual even among seasoned nannies, and this woman is new to the field. I don't think we can assume on that basis that the friend isn't prepared to handle the duties like a professional. Also, according to OP, the friend is a former nanny and preschool teacher. Maybe she's concluded that she's worth more than the typical share nanny, and maybe she's right. Or maybe not, but that doesn't tell us how seriously she'll take the work.

As for those of you getting hung up on the word "help," I don't get this. My nanny is a professional, but her job is to help me with all things child-related. My job is to help people with their legal problems and I count on my physicians, hair stylists, and the like to help me with my health and personal maintenance needs. In fact, I'm not sure anyone gets paid to do something other than "help" other people--be they bosses, clients, charges, customers, or whatever.

OP didn't say she's a former nanny. Just that she has "extensive childcare experience".

Thanks. I misread the bit about the OP being a former nanny. Don't think it makes a difference, though, if the friend has extensive experience and teaching credentials.

[Anonymous]

Exactly. Even people with zero childcare experience call themselves nannies, when they get a sitting job.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. To be clear, if we could pay her 600.00 a week, we would. Honestly. We are not trying to cheap out of anything, just trying to make sure we can afford our kid care. Truth be told if I could stay home myself, I would. Bottom line is- what ever the figure is we settle on or do not settle on both parties need to see this situation as a win-win. We need to feel that our little guy is safe and happy (which I have not doubt about) and she needs to feel that she is being compensated fairly. We told her as much when we made the offer.
Regardless of what happens... our kids will spend countless weekends together this summer at the pool and other friends and family hang outs, and the adults will be adults about this. If it works great- if not, great!

[Anonymous]

OP, I posted earlier in the thread that I think it's a bad idea to mix an employer/employee relationship with a friend. Here are some situations where I feel like it could end badly:

-schedules. She has a toddler, you have a five month old. What happens when she wants to take her child to play classes like Gymboree?
(Yes, I know this happens with siblings. They have to nap on the go in this case, or sit in a car seat or sling for the duration of the class. The point is: Are you okay with that?)
-Running errands. She's a SAHM. Very used to running errands during the work week with her child in tow. Do you care if she does the same with yours?
-Vacation time. How will you arrange that? What if she wants to extend her summer vacation suddenly and you're out of childcare for another 2-3 days? What if her husband surprises her with a long weekend away?
-She believes you should do something one way with your child, you believe it should be done a different way. Just as an example: you want your little one to sleep in a pack and play for naps. This isn't convenient for her because she has errands to run, so she insists he learns to sleep on the go. How will that discussion work out without affecting your friendship?

It sounds like you're sold on this arrangement. I don't mean this to be snarky, but I feel like it's only a matter of time before you're back here, asking for advice, because things have gone poorly and you need to figure out what to do for childcare now since your daycare spot is taken. (and no, I'm not a 'daycare is better than a nanny' type person).
Good luck OP. I think you'll need it.

[Anonymous]

Lots of nanny and parent relationships end badly, mostly because people fail to understand what a nanny really is.

[Anonymous]

OP here again. To be clear, if we could pay her 600.00 a week, we would. Honestly. We are not trying to cheap out of anything, just trying to make sure we can afford our kid care. Truth be told if I could stay home myself, I would. Bottom line is- what ever the figure is we settle on or do not settle on both parties need to see this situation as a win-win. We need to feel that our little guy is safe and happy (which I have not doubt about) and she needs to feel that she is being compensated fairly. We told her as much when we made the offer.
Regardless of what happens... our kids will spend countless weekends together this summer at the pool and other friends and family hang outs, and the adults will be adults about this. If it works great- if not, great!

OP, you aren't being cheap. Her rate is outrageous for a nanny share, which is what this is. You should pay $9/hr, tops, in DC for what you are getting.