Need some advice on getting nanny to be more proactive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more receptive a nanny is to blindly follow your orders, the less likely she is to be confident with her own experience and knowledge.
So which do you want?
(We don't get the same level of both.)

I want her to be confident and proactive. I want not to feel like I need to micromanage in order to get her to do anything.

No. My nanny shows up a half hour before I leave too. DD and I are generally finishing breakfast then or beginning to get dressed. Nanny gets settled and immediately jumps in - whether it's cleaning up from making breakfast, encouraging DD to finish eating while I go get dressed, taking DD to get dressed while I clean up from breakfast, doing DD's hair while she finishes eating, pulling together snacks and diaper bag for the day, whatever. So your nanny is ridiculous to be so passive as to sit on the couch while older children are running around the house saying, "I can't find my purple barrette/I forgot I have to bring in a fetal pig today for our science experiment" and giving her CLUES as to what she can do to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny of 4 for a SAHM so I can relate to the stepping on toes situation. However, I am more of a take charge personality so my issues have been on the flip side. I think if I were in this situation with my MB I would want her to sit me down and specifically say:

"I want you to take charge in the morning, beginning at 7:00 a.m. Please rely on me as little as possible and make choices like you would as if I was not home. I would like for the mornings to be more calm and somewhat structured. What can I do to help you transition into this type of role as our nanny?"

See if this helps and hopefully she will better understand what you expect of her.

OP here. I really like this - thanks!

[Anonymous]

She sounds lazy or weird if she doesn't know after 7 months what needs to be done. I'm a morning/after school nanny and in the morning when I arrive, I start breakfast, wake kids, up, put a load of laundry in, etc while parents are getting ready. You being there is not a good excuse for her not to do anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more receptive a nanny is to blindly follow your orders, the less likely she is to be confident with her own experience and knowledge.
So which do you want?
(We don't get the same level of both.)

I want her to be confident and proactive. I want not to feel like I need to micromanage in order to get her to do anything.

No. My nanny shows up a half hour before I leave too. DD and I are generally finishing breakfast then or beginning to get dressed. Nanny gets settled and immediately jumps in - whether it's cleaning up from making breakfast, encouraging DD to finish eating while I go get dressed, taking DD to get dressed while I clean up from breakfast, doing DD's hair while she finishes eating, pulling together snacks and diaper bag for the day, whatever. So your nanny is ridiculous to be so passive as to sit on the couch while older children are running around the house saying, "I can't find my purple barrette/I forgot I have to bring in a fetal pig today for our science experiment" and giving her CLUES as to what she can do to help.

OP again. This is one thing that drove me crazy. In the beginning of her employment, I was very specific about what needed to be done. After two months or so when she still wasn't doing anything without me directly asking, I would do things like say "next you need to eat breakfast!" to my kid from the kitchen (nanny sitting next to the kitchen on the couch) and hoping she would take the hint that now was when to step in and make breakfast. She never did. Or listen to my DD saying "I forgot to bring down socks!" or whatever and she just continues to sit there instead of even saying a basic acknowledgement that she had said anything "oops - have to wear socks!" or something like that. We are running back and forth packing this, getting that, all the typical morning rush stuff and she's just SITTING there. I'm trying to be cool about this and consider what *I* could change but I'm really wondering how much proactivity and independent thought can be taught.

[Anonymous]

Some children are confused when two adults are "in charge" at the same time.

[Anonymous]

What did her refs say about her "take charge" skills?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did her refs say about her "take charge" skills?

Didn't ask - should have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny of 4 for a SAHM so I can relate to the stepping on toes situation. However, I am more of a take charge personality so my issues have been on the flip side. I think if I were in this situation with my MB I would want her to sit me down and specifically say:

"I want you to take charge in the morning, beginning at 7:00 a.m. Please rely on me as little as possible and make choices like you would as if I was not home. I would like for the mornings to be more calm and somewhat structured. What can I do to help you transition into this type of role as our nanny?"

See if this helps and hopefully she will better understand what you expect of her.

This is good advice. I'm a WAHM with an au pair. The au pair has very specific "on-duty" hours and she (and the kids) know that during that time she is the adult in charge and there's not variation on that whether I'm in the house or not (unless she comes to ask me for advice on somthing.) Part of this means being explicitly clear when necessary, too. If the kids see me and ask if they can have a snack or play outside or whatever my response is "___ is in charge now. Ask her."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more receptive a nanny is to blindly follow your orders, the less likely she is to be confident with her own experience and knowledge.
So which do you want?
(We don't get the same level of both.)

I want her to be confident and proactive. I want not to feel like I need to micromanage in order to get her to do anything.

This doesn't need to be a choice. Plenty of nannies are confident in their own knowledge and yet still capable of following direction well. OP, you need to make clear to the nanny that for that morning hour, she needs to pretend you are not there. She needs to take charge of the kids and the house and her job involves fully engaging the kids so they stay out of your hair while you get dressed. Then close your bathroom or bedroom door and stay out of sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The more receptive a nanny is to blindly follow your orders, the less likely she is to be confident with her own experience and knowledge.
So which do you want?
(We don't get the same level of both.)

I want her to be confident and proactive. I want not to feel like I need to micromanage in order to get her to do anything.

No. My nanny shows up a half hour before I leave too. DD and I are generally finishing breakfast then or beginning to get dressed. Nanny gets settled and immediately jumps in - whether it's cleaning up from making breakfast, encouraging DD to finish eating while I go get dressed, taking DD to get dressed while I clean up from breakfast, doing DD's hair while she finishes eating, pulling together snacks and diaper bag for the day, whatever. So your nanny is ridiculous to be so passive as to sit on the couch while older children are running around the house saying, "I can't find my purple barrette/I forgot I have to bring in a fetal pig today for our science experiment" and giving her CLUES as to what she can do to help.

OP again. This is one thing that drove me crazy. In the beginning of her employment, I was very specific about what needed to be done. After two months or so when she still wasn't doing anything without me directly asking, I would do things like say "next you need to eat breakfast!" to my kid from the kitchen (nanny sitting next to the kitchen on the couch) and hoping she would take the hint that now was when to step in and make breakfast. She never did. Or listen to my DD saying "I forgot to bring down socks!" or whatever and she just continues to sit there instead of even saying a basic acknowledgement that she had said anything "oops - have to wear socks!" or something like that. We are running back and forth packing this, getting that, all the typical morning rush stuff and she's just SITTING there. I'm trying to be cool about this and consider what *I* could change but I'm really wondering how much proactivity and independent thought can be taught.

Sounds like she isn't ready to be a nanny. Still thinks like a teenage girl who needs momma to get her going in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a nanny of 4 for a SAHM so I can relate to the stepping on toes situation. However, I am more of a take charge personality so my issues have been on the flip side. I think if I were in this situation with my MB I would want her to sit me down and specifically say:

"I want you to take charge in the morning, beginning at 7:00 a.m. Please rely on me as little as possible and make choices like you would as if I was not home. I would like for the mornings to be more calm and somewhat structured. What can I do to help you transition into this type of role as our nanny?"

See if this helps and hopefully she will better understand what you expect of her.

This is good advice. I'm a WAHM with an au pair. The au pair has very specific "on-duty" hours and she (and the kids) know that during that time she is the adult in charge and there's not variation on that whether I'm in the house or not (unless she comes to ask me for advice on somthing.) Part of this means being explicitly clear when necessary, too. If the kids see me and ask if they can have a snack or play outside or whatever my response is "___ is in charge now. Ask her."

Excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

OP I am the earlier pp who mentioned the problem of her overall interaction with your kids. I think the rest of your posts further cenent that there is a big problem here. Aside from her being just a lump while you guys are going nuts it really is a big deal that your kids have not bonded now 7 months in. That is not fixable with a talk - it reflects on her relationship with them in ways much more important than the smooth running of your house in the morning. You have a hard choice but I would focus not On Whether she is willing to start proactively helping you in the morning but on whether your kids seem to really like her and she seems warm with them. I am not getting either of those things from your posting. In almost all MB complaints the MB adds "it drives me nuts but my kids love her". (Me too normally when i am looking for advice.) If that is not the case here there is zero reason to keep trying to make it work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am the earlier pp who mentioned the problem of her overall interaction with your kids. I think the rest of your posts further cenent that there is a big problem here. Aside from her being just a lump while you guys are going nuts it really is a big deal that your kids have not bonded now 7 months in. That is not fixable with a talk - it reflects on her relationship with them in ways much more important than the smooth running of your house in the morning. You have a hard choice but I would focus not On Whether she is willing to start proactively helping you in the morning but on whether your kids seem to really like her and she seems warm with them. I am not getting either of those things from your posting. In almost all MB complaints the MB adds "it drives me nuts but my kids love her". (Me too normally when i am looking for advice.) If that is not the case here there is zero reason to keep trying to make it work.

+100000

I read through your whole thread, OP, and I can't see one comment you've made that makes me think you should keep her around. This is not typical behavior for professional nannies, you could find someone who would make your lives easier not more stressful. So if the kids don't dig her, if she isn't enthusiastic about her job, then any work-related issues are irrelevant; she isn't the right person for this job to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I am the earlier pp who mentioned the problem of her overall interaction with your kids. I think the rest of your posts further cenent that there is a big problem here. Aside from her being just a lump while you guys are going nuts it really is a big deal that your kids have not bonded now 7 months in. That is not fixable with a talk - it reflects on her relationship with them in ways much more important than the smooth running of your house in the morning. You have a hard choice but I would focus not On Whether she is willing to start proactively helping you in the morning but on whether your kids seem to really like her and she seems warm with them. I am not getting either of those things from your posting. In almost all MB complaints the MB adds "it drives me nuts but my kids love her". (Me too normally when i am looking for advice.) If that is not the case here there is zero reason to keep trying to make it work.

+100000

I read through your whole thread, OP, and I can't see one comment you've made that makes me think you should keep her around. This is not typical behavior for professional nannies, you could find someone who would make your lives easier not more stressful. So if the kids don't dig her, if she isn't enthusiastic about her job, then any work-related issues are irrelevant; she isn't the right person for this job to begin with.

I agree. It doesn't seem like she really should be a nanny at all. She has shown nothing that would make her a good one.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need a new nanny. Or should I say, a real nanny.