Need some advice on getting nanny to be more proactive
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Anonymous
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Our live-in has been with us for seven months. I have her scheduled every day beginning at 7am. I leave for work at 7:30am and then she takes the kids to school at 8am. The stated purpose for the overlap is to help me get the kids ready while I'm getting ready myself. In the beginning, she would just stand there until I asked her to do something - so please get the kids dressed or something like that. Then she would do that and sit on the couch until her next instruction. I tell her to feed the kids breakfast and she asks me what they should have, then makes it, puts it on the table, and goes to sit on the couch while they eat.
In the beginning, this seemed ok as she didn't know the routine, but at this point, she should know what needs to happen. I honestly don't feel like she should be on the couch at all for that hour in the morning - she sees me and the kids running around like crazy trying to get ready and she's just sitting there waiting for her next instruction. We had a talk where I asked her what would be helpful to her in the morning and she said it would be better for her if I left at 7:15 instead - that the kids would prefer that I do things for them so it makes it difficult for her. That made sense (although what I wanted to say is that she doesn't try to engage them at all or make it fun and they have no connection so of course they'd rather me do it). So I started leaving at 7:15. But she still just sits there for the 15 minutes until I go. It's useless to have her down until the exact minute I need to leave. Obviously something is not working and I'm willing to accept that I'm not being clear on my expectations or something. Can anyone give me any advice on how to broach this? Nannies have any input from your perspective? |
Anonymous
| I |
Anonymous
| It's sometimes such a fine line to get a nanny who "will do everything you tell her", vs. the nanny who "knows how to do her job". If we could only find the "perfect balance", which of course doesn't exist. |
Anonymous
| It's difficult when the parent is around to find the balance between being in the way/stepping on toes, and not doing enough. Your nanny may be uncomfortable because she's not sure what is "her" job or place in the routine vs. mom (or she may be lazy). If I were her, it'd be helpful for me to have certain tasks that are "mine" and I can do them every day without feeling like I'm in your way or taking something special from you. (For example, for some parents cooking and eating breakfast with their kids is their special time, or brushing their daughter's hair before school, or whatever) Tell her point blank I'd like you to do this, this and this in the morning while I do this this and this. It's less ambiguous than, I'd like your "help" during these 30 minutes. There are some nannies that are more autonomous/proactive but it seems that yours is not. |
Anonymous
Thanks, PP. I'll take this approach. |
Anonymous
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The more receptive a nanny is to blindly follow your orders, the less likely she is to be confident with her own experience and knowledge.
So which do you want? (We don't get the same level of both.) |
Anonymous
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Agree with 9:54, but i think your bigger problem is if this is still true after 7 months: "she doesn't try to engage them at all or make it fun and they have no connection".
My nanny comes in and the kids are all over her. Maybe it's an age thing, but if your kids still need help getting dressed, they can't be that old. After 1/2 a year, why would she still not "try to engage" the kids and "have no connection" with them. That's really bad, even if you are able to iron out this AM prep issue. |
Anonymous
I agree, PP - and thanks for reading between the lines. I am really generally displeased with her - she makes very little effort toward anything except her social life. I'm having a talk with her this afternoon and asking her to consider whether she wants to stay with us over the long weekend. I think this post was partly an effort to see whether I'm being unreasonable with my morning expectations. But there is way more going on than just the morning. |
Anonymous
I want her to be confident and proactive. I want not to feel like I need to micromanage in order to get her to do anything. |
Anonymous
| Do you have any other options? |
Anonymous
Of course. If it continues the way it has, I'm not going to have her stay - I'd rather do anything else than live with someone who makes my kids feel she doesn't like them. We have my husband's parents nearby to cover childcare if we have a gap. We'll find another nanny or just go back to doing summer camps and before/after care. |
Anonymous
If you have family who can help you, that is the best thing for your children. |
Anonymous
Well you don't know my mother-in-law  We don't have family that would be good for keeping the kids full-time, but they will definitely help us fill in the gap if we have one.
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Anonymous
Family is the hardest to deal with, because you can't just fire them every time you want. Is she really a psychotic? At least your children would get some stability. But she may have a full life already. |
Anonymous
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I'm a nanny of 4 for a SAHM so I can relate to the stepping on toes situation. However, I am more of a take charge personality so my issues have been on the flip side. I think if I were in this situation with my MB I would want her to sit me down and specifically say:
"I want you to take charge in the morning, beginning at 7:00 a.m. Please rely on me as little as possible and make choices like you would as if I was not home. I would like for the mornings to be more calm and somewhat structured. What can I do to help you transition into this type of role as our nanny?" See if this helps and hopefully she will better understand what you expect of her. |