Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 20:27     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here -

DH's family is a mess. FIL pitched selling their primary residence undervalued as a benefit to BIL/SIL but never ended up moving out. BIL/SIL cared for FIL as he was on hospice and now care for MIL as she's still not in AL. They've had to take time off work; it's been a considerable expense and time suck for them. I check in on MIL during the day as I am self-employed and bring her lunch. DH works 4 AM - 4 PM and visits on the weekends.

SIL floated the idea of a HELOC (or a reverse mortgage) to pay for MIL's care. The suggestions on this thread make it very clear that the cabin needs to be sold—end of story. I am not going to entertain this foolishness anymore.

The challenge is that DH's family is so emotionally attached to the cabin on a sentimental level that they will fight and argue about it.


Your DH needs to do more. He visits on the weekends? He should be doing the work for his mom soley on the weekends, take a 24-32 hour shift and do it. Sleep there. Take on the care of his mother so his sibling and wife get a break. Every weekend.

Not fair your BIL/SIL are responsible for FIL and MIL. NOT COOL. My mom works FT is doing this now while her siblings (2 of which are retired) and all live within 7 minutes "visit" when they feel like it.

Until your MIL is in assisted living the other siblings need to do more. What does your DH do after work? Go over and take care of his mom to give his sibling a break. Nothing is worse than someone who "visits."

My mom said she had to stay overnight because the nurse who was meant to stay over called out sick and she went home to shower and get new clothes the next morning (a new nurse came before she left). When she went back an hour later to check on her mom her brother was there on his phone with his wife. Not paying attention or doing anything for his own mother. My mom made a comment and her brother goes, "I have been here all morning where were you?" He clearly hadn't. She left an hour ago and he wasn't there and he thought sitting on his phone was enough. Not when my mom changed diapers and was up throughout the night.

Your visits are not enough. Caregiving is draining even with the 24/7 care my grandmother gets because people cancel. Did I also mention one of her sons lives with her? He got divorced, but always goes to visit his gf/ go to the gym, so if someone cancels last minute he can't possibly cancel on his gf or not work out.

Maybe you SIL is confused with the HELOC because of all the caregiving she's had to do and can't think straight.

My mom called me in tears one day (in public) because she was so exhausted. She has only cried when her dad died and not hysterical. She felt mortified later, but told me caregiving broke her. She has like 30+ pounds all due to stress. Being a caregiver and not getting rest sometimes makes you crazy. Do more for those who care for your MIL or make your DH do it.



I’m proud of us for having made a collective decisions to ignore this post. That is all.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 16:37     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Yep, a one-bedroom cabin bought a few years ago is no legacy property. I'd understood if it's something that's been in the family for a 100 years. Your DH and BIL are better off writing the cabin off to the SIL and let her pay for MIL care.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 16:09     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
You don't inherit debt, it's netted out of assets. If there are no assets, they don't come after heirs.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 16:08     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:OP here -

I sincerely thank DCUM for the advice regarding the HELOC/reverse mortgage because it's clear no bank will grant that if she's not living in the residence (and I'm assuming they would see if she has the the income to support living in an assisted living AND a cabin?)

The cabin will need to be sold. DH is fine with it, as is DH's brother. DH's sister is strongly resistant to it and falls into an emotional mess at the thought of selling the cabin.

I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but since this is an anonymous forum ... FIL asked the impossible SIL to keep his legacy alive and preserve the cabin but gave *zero* directions on how to keep MIL safe and alive ... Ugh. That's the behavior of a rich man with the assets and income to support a legacy of property and his family members. But FIL was not wealthy. He worked for the same employer for 30+ years and had very little in his retirement. DH suspects he was drawing from it, and his total assets were ~40K at the time of this death. There were secret credit cards found after he died.

I was very naive in assuming a man in his late 60s who had been employed, raised a family, had a chronically ill wife, and bought two houses would have some affairs in order to protect his assets, but he didn't. He didn't have a will. According to SIL, he thought he would "live forever." I take it as a cautionary tale that none of us are immune to debt, death, and taxes.



If SIL wants the house, she should buy it. If she cannot afford it, oh well.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 16:00     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:If FIL died without a will, your DH and his siblings should check on the relevant intestate laws of succession. In Maryland, the adult children as well as the surviving spouse each would get a share of the estate. Your SIL, DH and the other sibling really need to see an estates lawyer before they do anything.


There’s no “estate.” Presumably the bank acct and cabin were held jointly with MIL. Besides what are they going to do, take from MIL and make her homeless? No need to waste $ on an atty when they don’t have any to begin with.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 14:55     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:OP here -

I sincerely thank DCUM for the advice regarding the HELOC/reverse mortgage because it's clear no bank will grant that if she's not living in the residence (and I'm assuming they would see if she has the the income to support living in an assisted living AND a cabin?)

The cabin will need to be sold. DH is fine with it, as is DH's brother. DH's sister is strongly resistant to it and falls into an emotional mess at the thought of selling the cabin.

I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but since this is an anonymous forum ... FIL asked the impossible SIL to keep his legacy alive and preserve the cabin but gave *zero* directions on how to keep MIL safe and alive ... Ugh. That's the behavior of a rich man with the assets and income to support a legacy of property and his family members. But FIL was not wealthy. He worked for the same employer for 30+ years and had very little in his retirement. DH suspects he was drawing from it, and his total assets were ~40K at the time of this death. There were secret credit cards found after he died.

I was very naive in assuming a man in his late 60s who had been employed, raised a family, had a chronically ill wife, and bought two houses would have some affairs in order to protect his assets, but he didn't. He didn't have a will. According to SIL, he thought he would "live forever." I take it as a cautionary tale that none of us are immune to debt, death, and taxes.



Preserve doesn’t mean keep in perpetuity. Go up there, take some really good photos or hire a photographer or photography student to take some good pictures. Saw or chip off a small piece of wood, maybe get a glass jar of dirt, if there are flowers or trees press some leaves or flowers and give the sister a scrapbook. This isn’t a legacy property, he just bought the stupid place a few years ago.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 14:46     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
If FIL died without a will, your DH and his siblings should check on the relevant intestate laws of succession. In Maryland, the adult children as well as the surviving spouse each would get a share of the estate. Your SIL, DH and the other sibling really need to see an estates lawyer before they do anything.
Anonymous
Post 01/10/2025 12:42     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
OP here -

I sincerely thank DCUM for the advice regarding the HELOC/reverse mortgage because it's clear no bank will grant that if she's not living in the residence (and I'm assuming they would see if she has the the income to support living in an assisted living AND a cabin?)

The cabin will need to be sold. DH is fine with it, as is DH's brother. DH's sister is strongly resistant to it and falls into an emotional mess at the thought of selling the cabin.

I don't want to speak ill of the dead, but since this is an anonymous forum ... FIL asked the impossible SIL to keep his legacy alive and preserve the cabin but gave *zero* directions on how to keep MIL safe and alive ... Ugh. That's the behavior of a rich man with the assets and income to support a legacy of property and his family members. But FIL was not wealthy. He worked for the same employer for 30+ years and had very little in his retirement. DH suspects he was drawing from it, and his total assets were ~40K at the time of this death. There were secret credit cards found after he died.

I was very naive in assuming a man in his late 60s who had been employed, raised a family, had a chronically ill wife, and bought two houses would have some affairs in order to protect his assets, but he didn't. He didn't have a will. According to SIL, he thought he would "live forever." I take it as a cautionary tale that none of us are immune to debt, death, and taxes.

Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 14:34     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
I would urge your DH to obtain an appraisal of the cabin as soon as possible. Before this insane plan goes any farther.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 14:01     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
There is very little chance this cabin is worth $300k OP so that’s just one more thing they are totally out of touch on. You can look at sold house comps on Zillow (not the zestimate, actual sold properties) and get a better idea.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 13:44     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here -

DH's family is a mess. FIL pitched selling their primary residence undervalued as a benefit to BIL/SIL but never ended up moving out. BIL/SIL cared for FIL as he was on hospice and now care for MIL as she's still not in AL. They've had to take time off work; it's been a considerable expense and time suck for them. I check in on MIL during the day as I am self-employed and bring her lunch. DH works 4 AM - 4 PM and visits on the weekends.

SIL floated the idea of a HELOC (or a reverse mortgage) to pay for MIL's care. The suggestions on this thread make it very clear that the cabin needs to be sold—end of story. I am not going to entertain this foolishness anymore.

The challenge is that DH's family is so emotionally attached to the cabin on a sentimental level that they will fight and argue about it.

Why are you leaving out the part where it turned out BIL/SIL actually OVERpaid for the primary home?

At this point the person I’m most invested in is MIL. This family is never getting it together so I guess we just hope for a sinkhole to swallow the cabin while it’s empty so she gets the insurance



+1
And don't forget they find the treasure under the floorboards

Heck yeah! Add that to the lore
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 13:16     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:Unless the cabin can generate income to cover the HELOC this sounds like a really dumb plan. Has anyone talked with an estate planner or financial advisor? AL is so costly and MIL only has 400kish? Someone needs to be considering Medicaid lookback and possibly selling now. [i]What if MIL doesn’t die in 3-4 years? Sorry to be blunt or seem as if I’m wishing death on her, but these are things you have to consider. Who is going to pay for her AL and SNF if she lives 10 years?

The whole saga strains credulity with all the twists and turns about siblings getting a deal/not getting a deal. IDK. If you’re real you need to tell your husband no joint assets go into this asinine plan, and if there’s a better plan, and it involves your money you need a post-nuptial agreement immediately.


Bingo!

Unless MiL is in such fabulous condition, $300-400K is not a lot of money for AL/memory care. If she burns through this money and cannot meet her ADLs, then she will need to apply for Medicaid. And Medicaid will force her to sell this asset. (Caveat: you are not forced to sell if a VERY depressed market as it was for one of my parents, but the moment the market is anywhere soluble, this asset will need to be sold.) It doesn't matter that it is "meant to be inherited by the children," it's an asset and it must be sold to defray the state costs.

Taking out the HELOC is simply postponing the financial reckoning here.

Whenever I read these types of posts, I am so grateful that my parents and my siblings were realistic about what needed to be done - heck, we had to sell one parent's portion of the family farm dating back decades. It wasn't easy, but it was the most financially responsible decision to make for all three siblings. I could've bought the land outright then given portions back to my siblings if it had been 4 years later, but it wasn't and I wasn't going to tie up our kids' college funds and our retirement on sentimentality.
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 12:22     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:The irony here is that they are going to end up trying to sell that stupid cabin and realize it’s worth far less than they think.


This. Thinking they're getting 300K-400K for a one-bedroom remote cabin somewhere is another piece of the crazy puzzle. In the end, the cabin will not be enough to pay for MILs care and then what?
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 11:09     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just update the current thread??? I find this is annoying. I have no idea what you are talking about. Why do people think people remember and read every single detail on their posts from six months ago.


First post, I think: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1174345.page

Later one: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1199082.page





Wait I think was there a third one? I vaguely remember the FIL being ill, too. I think we're missing one piece of the puzzle?
Anonymous
Post 01/09/2025 11:02     Subject: It's me - the DIL with the in-laws and drama around their cabin.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This thread needs to die. Are people that interested in this cabin and messed up family?


I am. Totally on Team OP!


Heck over Christmas I was thinking about looking up the thread and asking for an update. Seemed about time. I missed that the FIL passed away.

I am sorry for all the loss in your DH's family, OP, and don't mean to sound so delighted by all this dysfunction. But it feels rare to get such an indepth look at how crazy families can get over money/sentiment.