Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 15:27     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:By the time I showed up, everyone knew that my MIL hated...

Her own MIL who is the nicest person I ever met.

Her own SIL (brother's wife)

Her other SIL (husband's sister, who I adore)

Her niece (because she is SILs, I guess)

Her other DIL (who came on the scene first).

My brain wasn't telling me we were sexual rivals. My brain was telling me to be very careful.


Ha!! My MIL is similar. Only the people she hated were . . .

Her own mother.

Her two sisters.

Her niece (loved her nephew, go figure).

Her then-DIL (BIL and SIL have since split).

When I showed up I was the "golden DIL". That lasted until my second child was born. DH asked her to come stay with us for three weeks when the baby was born (what was he thinking?!). Somewhere in my post-partum state I said something that she took as an insult. My golden status was over and she's hated me ever since. I haven't seen or spoken to her in years now.


Mine is always involved in some crazy drama with someone in her family or friends circle. She is always going on vacation with someone and then comes home not talking to them.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 15:20     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.


For someone who has no personal experience, you have very specific opinions on the subject.


+1 Really weirdly specific.


and for god's sake, stop using the word "hence".
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 14:59     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
MILs do not how to give up the throne. It’s great that your son used to do your every bidding and that you think he should jump at every command still, but he’s a little distracted right now.
Anonymous
Post 07/26/2018 13:45     Subject: Re:Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Oh OP, sweet child of spring. You speak in multitudes over a subject you obviously have no real knowledge. Be grateful, and save your judgment for elsewhere. To paint with such a broad stroke and say that most DILs are the real source of all problems with MILs is just as crazy as saying that most MILs are the source of all problems with DILs.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 08:50     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe my observations are different because I don't know that many US DILs and MILs in person, but draw my conclusions on posts here. Here is one of threads that has stuck in my mind, where I can see that DIL will pick any reason to twart her MIL while at the same time being upset that MIL won't come visit.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683596.page


So you are neither a DIL nor a MIL, plus you don't know many of them in person?

Take.

A.

Seat.


I am a DIL, I clearly said that I am not a MIL nor do I have a MIL. I most certainly have a FIL, and he has known to be more jealous, more nasty than many MILs I read about here. But, I understand that he is the father of my husband and my kids' grandpa and we now get along really well. I had learned to accept him as he is, just as he has learned to accept me as I am. In fact, I am more tolerant of his behavior than my DH.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 21:58     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I still refer to the gem of a thread “just leave your SIL alone, really”, every time I need a reminder how some families lack boundaries and are enmeshed with each other. The OP of that thread claimed SIL “loved their brother first”; sorry OP but some people cannot differentiate between romantic and sibling love.

The way a sister and the way a wife loves a man are two separate things and should be treated as such.

And there are absolutely SIL/MIL (even FIL and BIL)’s who feel threatened when their brother marries someone and creates their own family.


As the OP of "Leave your SIL alone, really" I am most certainly NOT the whackadoodle who said sister's love their brothers first, blah blah blah. That's nonsense. Read again; the third comment IS NOT MINE!

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/662443.page



You are absolutely right, OP. I will forever be mystified over that comment that came across as pseudo-incestual.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 21:34     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:I still refer to the gem of a thread “just leave your SIL alone, really”, every time I need a reminder how some families lack boundaries and are enmeshed with each other. The OP of that thread claimed SIL “loved their brother first”; sorry OP but some people cannot differentiate between romantic and sibling love.

The way a sister and the way a wife loves a man are two separate things and should be treated as such.

And there are absolutely SIL/MIL (even FIL and BIL)’s who feel threatened when their brother marries someone and creates their own family.


As the OP of "Leave your SIL alone, really" I am most certainly NOT the whackadoodle who said sister's love their brothers first, blah blah blah. That's nonsense. Read again; the third comment IS NOT MINE!

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/662443.page

Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 21:20     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Mine called me a whore and accused me of stealing DH. I'm fairly certain that's a strong indication that she hates me.


Were you?


If you consider living together after being in a committed relationship for 2 years to be the behavior of a whore, then yes.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 19:28     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
I still refer to the gem of a thread “just leave your SIL alone, really”, every time I need a reminder how some families lack boundaries and are enmeshed with each other. The OP of that thread claimed SIL “loved their brother first”; sorry OP but some people cannot differentiate between romantic and sibling love.

The way a sister and the way a wife loves a man are two separate things and should be treated as such.

And there are absolutely SIL/MIL (even FIL and BIL)’s who feel threatened when their brother marries someone and creates their own family.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 18:25     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
I think mine feels threatened by how I raise my kids. She sucked as a mom and basically was not around for her kids although they get along now. And I have to admit I kind of judge her because she is always giving me crap advice and she never even had custody of her own kids so what the hell does she know.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 18:19     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.


Lol, no. I don't think there are many DILs (at ALL) who feel they're in competition with their MILs over who their husband loves more. The problems arise when the MILs have a problem with the natural course of things - that is, when a man chooses his wife and gets married, she becomes his priority. There are some MILs who have the hardest time with this and try to create such a competition...and that's when you have issues. They (and again, I'm only talking about MILs who do this. Many, thankfully, are adults and do not) begin acting out in petty, attempted manipulative ways and everyone suffers for it. THAT's when you'll see DILs complaining. It is almost never (...I dare say never, honestly) that the DIL is worried that her husband loves his mother more. That he doesn't want to go through the effort or dealing with her, or standing up to her, and the whole family suffers as a result? Sure. But not that the wife feels in competition for who he loves more, that's not how it works


+1

Some MILs are straight up abusive, and only get worse when their son marries.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 17:58     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:By the time I showed up, everyone knew that my MIL hated...

Her own MIL who is the nicest person I ever met.

Her own SIL (brother's wife)

Her other SIL (husband's sister, who I adore)

Her niece (because she is SILs, I guess)

Her other DIL (who came on the scene first).

My brain wasn't telling me we were sexual rivals. My brain was telling me to be very careful.


Ha!! My MIL is similar. Only the people she hated were . . .

Her own mother.

Her two sisters.

Her niece (loved her nephew, go figure).

Her then-DIL (BIL and SIL have since split).

When I showed up I was the "golden DIL". That lasted until my second child was born. DH asked her to come stay with us for three weeks when the baby was born (what was he thinking?!). Somewhere in my post-partum state I said something that she took as an insult. My golden status was over and she's hated me ever since. I haven't seen or spoken to her in years now.
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 17:52     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Maybe my observations are different because I don't know that many US DILs and MILs in person, but draw my conclusions on posts here. Here is one of threads that has stuck in my mind, where I can see that DIL will pick any reason to twart her MIL while at the same time being upset that MIL won't come visit.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/683596.page


So you are neither a DIL nor a MIL, plus you don't know many of them in person?

Take.

A.

Seat.


And here is a perfect example of instant hostility. I assume you are a DIL? Why not explain to me how you don't hate your MIL and how she hates you?
Anonymous
Post 07/24/2018 17:52     Subject: Your MIL doesn't hate you if you are a woman, you hate her.
Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a MIL and don't have a MIL, the way I read all the posts here is that DILs are constantly nit picking, pulling apart every single word and action of their MILs. Ok, so it is not sexual, but it is a competition for whom DH loves more, in the eyes of DILs. DILs are insecure, and as another pp pointed out, fighting for their place as top woman in the family. Hence posts about wanting to host events, and MILs being unhappy about it. Hence posts about MIL not changing DD's clothes one weekend, hence constant giving her my piece of mind posts. Some MILs might hate you, some might be insane, by but far it is my impression that DILs start nitpicking, never letting go of an issue and seeing wrong in any action. Hence proving to DH that she, his wife is better care giver, earner, housekeeper and any array of imagined acts she thinks she is being judged for, in hopes of alienating him from his mother. This is a dance as old as history of humans. DILs can't really help it for the most part. It is only as they grow older that they are able to relax about their place in the family. Hence this struggl is pretty normal. But, for most part MILs don't start it, they don't have to, they are top dog already, hence DILs start this dance.


Lol, no. I don't think there are many DILs (at ALL) who feel they're in competition with their MILs over who their husband loves more. The problems arise when the MILs have a problem with the natural course of things - that is, when a man chooses his wife and gets married, she becomes his priority. There are some MILs who have the hardest time with this and try to create such a competition...and that's when you have issues. They (and again, I'm only talking about MILs who do this. Many, thankfully, are adults and do not) begin acting out in petty, attempted manipulative ways and everyone suffers for it. THAT's when you'll see DILs complaining. It is almost never (...I dare say never, honestly) that the DIL is worried that her husband loves his mother more. That he doesn't want to go through the effort or dealing with her, or standing up to her, and the whole family suffers as a result? Sure. But not that the wife feels in competition for who he loves more, that's not how it works