Anonymous
09/14/2021 08:56
Subject: Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:He's an alcoholic. You need to divorce.
That's incredibly harsh. What happened to "in sickness and in health"?
That said- a frank conversation is in order though. You love him, you planned to be married forever, have kids etc. And you cant do that in the state he is currently in. And you want to HELP him, if he is willing to get help.
You dont just instantly divorce.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 23:17
Subject: Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:My DH has the same issue; drinks too much nightly and I find him obnoxious and am concerned about his health. We have 2 young kids and he loves them and me so I have no plans for divorce. I do want to help him through this.
When drunk, I usually am polite but avoid him (kids are always asleep) but the morning after a big drinking night I bring it up with him. In DHs case I think he is self medicating for anxiety so I generally say something like “it’s so hard to see you this anxious, i want you to start taking care of yourself” etc etc. I made a big push for therapy and for using cbd oil, both of which have reduced the drinking but not eliminated it. OP, do you have any idea what the root cause of the drinking is? Are there times when it worsens or gets better? I think knowing this might help you to support him in getting help.
You don’t control this and cannot help him.
Go to Al Anon.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 23:15
Subject: Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Double up on your birth control. This would be unacceptable to me.
This. Do not bring a child into the world with an alcoholic. I’m really sorry, but you probably need to leave if you ever want a stable family. It will only get worse.
+1
It will get much worse, and the impact on your future children will last forever.
-Adult child of alcoholics
Anonymous
09/13/2021 23:10
Subject: Re:Arguments about drinking
Speaking from experience, my guess is it will get worse before (if) it gets better. My DH has drank at least a full bottle of wine himself 365 days a year for the last 10 years. He is a great guy; highly functional, never appears drunk. Sometimes drinks more than a bottle; frequently drinks his bottle alone (I rarely drink). It (among other things) has had a devastating impact on our marriage. I have a lot of anger & resentment over it. I wish I had attended al-anon years ago but I kept telling myself that he wasn’t an alcoholic because he was high functioning & he said he didn’t have a problem. No real advice, just empathy.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 23:08
Subject: Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My DH has the same issue; drinks too much nightly and I find him obnoxious and am concerned about his health. We have 2 young kids and he loves them and me so I have no plans for divorce. I do want to help him through this.
When drunk, I usually am polite but avoid him (kids are always asleep) but the morning after a big drinking night I bring it up with him. In DHs case I think he is self medicating for anxiety so I generally say something like “it’s so hard to see you this anxious, i want you to start taking care of yourself” etc etc. I made a big push for therapy and for using cbd oil, both of which have reduced the drinking but not eliminated it. OP, do you have any idea what the root cause of the drinking is? Are there times when it worsens or gets better? I think knowing this might help you to support him in getting help.
This sounds like classic enabling behavior.
np but I disagree. My DH used to cope with alcohol and helping him to recognize why he abused it and seek therapy ultimately helped him. He was also dealing with anxiety and some depression and treatment for these things stopped the alcohol abuse. He has been a light social drinker for 15 years now.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 23:06
Subject: Arguments about drinking
Hi, OP. I have dealt with my husband's alcohol use disorder and am the OP of these threads:
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/983882.page
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/987382.page
Everything the PPs told me was true, about how this was alcoholic thinking and projecting. None of this is your fault, either. But your DH needs to want to change.
It can happen if he wants it but it's hard. My DH will be 2 months sober this weekend, thanks to his commitment to a program and the assistance of medication (Naltrexone). Life is long and he has a long road ahead and it would not be manageable if he didn't want it for himself.
Please don't make a baby with him under the assumption that he'll stop drinking once you're pregnant. Don't even try for a baby until/if he gets his drinking under control. If you have a baby with him in his current state, he will be useless at best and dangerous at worst, and you'll spend your days being furious and resentful. If he doesn't want to get better and you want a family - I'll be honest, I'd divorce him and look for a healthy husband who would be a functional parent with you. At only 30, you have time on your side.
Please keep us updated on your journey and let me know if you have any questions, too.
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/983882.page
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/987382.page
Everything the PPs told me was true, about how this was alcoholic thinking and projecting. None of this is your fault, either. But your DH needs to want to change.
It can happen if he wants it but it's hard. My DH will be 2 months sober this weekend, thanks to his commitment to a program and the assistance of medication (Naltrexone). Life is long and he has a long road ahead and it would not be manageable if he didn't want it for himself.
Please don't make a baby with him under the assumption that he'll stop drinking once you're pregnant. Don't even try for a baby until/if he gets his drinking under control. If you have a baby with him in his current state, he will be useless at best and dangerous at worst, and you'll spend your days being furious and resentful. If he doesn't want to get better and you want a family - I'll be honest, I'd divorce him and look for a healthy husband who would be a functional parent with you. At only 30, you have time on your side.
Please keep us updated on your journey and let me know if you have any questions, too.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 22:38
Subject: Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:My DH has the same issue; drinks too much nightly and I find him obnoxious and am concerned about his health. We have 2 young kids and he loves them and me so I have no plans for divorce. I do want to help him through this.
When drunk, I usually am polite but avoid him (kids are always asleep) but the morning after a big drinking night I bring it up with him. In DHs case I think he is self medicating for anxiety so I generally say something like “it’s so hard to see you this anxious, i want you to start taking care of yourself” etc etc. I made a big push for therapy and for using cbd oil, both of which have reduced the drinking but not eliminated it. OP, do you have any idea what the root cause of the drinking is? Are there times when it worsens or gets better? I think knowing this might help you to support him in getting help.
This sounds like classic enabling behavior.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 22:36
Subject: Re:Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:Don’t waste the pretty. Get out now while you can find another partner in your 30s if you want kods.
If you stay, this guy needs to be in active sobriety for at least five years before you should think about kids.
+1
My friend just got divorced from her alcoholic husband and they have young kids. It has been so hard on their kids. I would get out now.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 22:13
Subject: Arguments about drinking
He's an alcoholic. You need to divorce.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 22:11
Subject: Re:Arguments about drinking
Sis. Your DH is an alcoholic. 6/7 drinks on the weekday? That is A LOT by any measure.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 22:06
Subject: Re:Arguments about drinking
That's a LOT of alcohol. Sometimes men continue to drink like they did in college and it becomes problematic once they're married, but the amount of alcohol your DH is drinking is a lot even for a college kid.
The defensiveness and arguments over his drinking are classic signs that it's a problem. No one likes to feel criticized of course, but problem drinkers are usually dealing with a shame spiral which makes it nearly impossible for them to engage in conversations about their own issues regardless of how the topic is raised or discussed.
Honestly, you've only been married 2 years and have no kids. I'd seriously consider separating.
The defensiveness and arguments over his drinking are classic signs that it's a problem. No one likes to feel criticized of course, but problem drinkers are usually dealing with a shame spiral which makes it nearly impossible for them to engage in conversations about their own issues regardless of how the topic is raised or discussed.
Honestly, you've only been married 2 years and have no kids. I'd seriously consider separating.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 22:01
Subject: Arguments about drinking
My DH has the same issue; drinks too much nightly and I find him obnoxious and am concerned about his health. We have 2 young kids and he loves them and me so I have no plans for divorce. I do want to help him through this.
When drunk, I usually am polite but avoid him (kids are always asleep) but the morning after a big drinking night I bring it up with him. In DHs case I think he is self medicating for anxiety so I generally say something like “it’s so hard to see you this anxious, i want you to start taking care of yourself” etc etc. I made a big push for therapy and for using cbd oil, both of which have reduced the drinking but not eliminated it. OP, do you have any idea what the root cause of the drinking is? Are there times when it worsens or gets better? I think knowing this might help you to support him in getting help.
When drunk, I usually am polite but avoid him (kids are always asleep) but the morning after a big drinking night I bring it up with him. In DHs case I think he is self medicating for anxiety so I generally say something like “it’s so hard to see you this anxious, i want you to start taking care of yourself” etc etc. I made a big push for therapy and for using cbd oil, both of which have reduced the drinking but not eliminated it. OP, do you have any idea what the root cause of the drinking is? Are there times when it worsens or gets better? I think knowing this might help you to support him in getting help.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 21:58
Subject: Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:Al-Anon and the “Getting Them Sober” series by Toby Rice Drews.
Brutal honesty is that you should divorce, especially if you want kids. Alcoholics rarely get better, even if they quit, relapse is highly likely (I come from a large family of alcoholics). If you have children, you’ll be trying to shield them from his drinking, which will get worse with time.
But it’s really hard to untangle yourself and usually takes a few years before you’re ready to leave. So just build up support for yourself as much as you can.
Agree with this. Focus on your boundaries. All you can control is whether or not you remain or walk away and at what point. There is a chance he might stop drinking if he realizes what he would lose if you were to walk away, but this would be because he realizes it within him. It would be HIS LOW. Not because you somehow controlled that outcome by making a threat.
Go to therapy. Figure out your boundaries. Strengthen yourself. Disentangle yourself from any codependent dynamics so you can see your relationship and him and yourself clearly.
Fwiw I have a drinking problem (am sober many years now), and am familiar with spouse with drinking problem too. We had to work through a lot of this in our first 10 years of marriage and I remain pretty vigilant around alcohol but also other issues too that are underlying. The thing is… there are always underlying issues so ignoring it will not make it go away.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 21:38
Subject: Re:Arguments about drinking
Anonymous wrote:Your husband has a drinking problem/alcohol use disorder or whatever label you want to put on it.
Full disclosure - I'm 20 years older, a woman, and I'm the one with the problem. I was not up to a bottle of wine a night at 30 years old, but close enough. My husband and I had a boozy lifestyle with boozy friends and that continued for a long, long time. And society is pretty accepting of the level of drinking you are describing. In my 30's, I laughed at the one healthcare provider that asked if anyone had ever suggested I had a drinking problem because I said I drank 3-4 drinks at a time on 3-4 days a week. The reality was it was at least 3 drinks a night every day of the week. Even when I had literally everything under control personally, professionally, and worked out like a maniac, I had a drinking problem. I'd like to say that I got help and solved it but I didn't and am probably lucky I am still married and have a job. It is now an enormous albatross dragging down my entire life and I am trying to figure out the way out.
Anyway, I suggest therapy for you with full disclosure to your therapist that you are trying to figure out your marriage and whether you should stay in it. And truth with your husband. Yes, he's going to be a defensive as$h0Le because he wants to continue to drink. I am very sorry you are going through this. But I do know a lot of people that have turned a corner and just given it up. I am hoping that can be your experience. Good luck.
This is a very thoughtful and vulnerable post. I would direct both you and OP to https://www.reddit.com/r/stopdrinking/ for stories that may resonate.
I drank like you (PP) for about 5 years in my late 30s/early 40s and realized it was out of control-- not because I got a DUI or anything, I was similarly "functional"-- but because I couldn't control it.
I do think there is hope, but it's not a linear path, and it requires a lot of outside support. For most, full abstinence is the only answer, but you don't have to think of it that way-- that you will never drink again. That's too overwhelming for most people. Instead, you can choose not to drink today, or this hour, or for this minute. And that's a start.
Anonymous
09/13/2021 21:11
Subject: Arguments about drinking
DO NOT GET PREGNANT