Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep it's male factor infertility. And by now I'm sure AMA plays into it too. I just know that if it were female factor, I'd be ok with surrogacy, adoption you name it. Frustrated DH isn't willing.

And I don't know if this makes a difference, but we even went though all these scenarios before we got engaged. And he was on board. I know he has the right to change his mind but this was just a couple of years ago. I wish he knew back then, worse, he did know and wasn't honest with me

It seems like a question you can't fully answer until it's happening to you. I could answer any old way right now because it's not real to me. Maybe that was the case with DH?

His perspective at the time wasn't what it is today.

Exactly.

OP, I think you may be mad at DH for not "working properly." It may be subconscious but it is likely there. Did you marry him just to have kids? In other words, is your ultimate goal to be a mom no matter what?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep it's male factor infertility. And by now I'm sure AMA plays into it too. I just know that if it were female factor, I'd be ok with surrogacy, adoption you name it. Frustrated DH isn't willing.

And I don't know if this makes a difference, but we even went though all these scenarios before we got engaged. And he was on board. I know he has the right to change his mind but this was just a couple of years ago. I wish he knew back then, worse, he did know and wasn't honest with me

It seems like a question you can't fully answer until it's happening to you. I could answer any old way right now because it's not real to me. Maybe that was the case with DH?

His perspective at the time wasn't what it is today.

Anonymous wrote:Yep it's male factor infertility. And by now I'm sure AMA plays into it too. I just know that if it were female factor, I'd be ok with surrogacy, adoption you name it. Frustrated DH isn't willing.

And I don't know if this makes a difference, but we even went though all these scenarios before we got engaged. And he was on board. I know he has the right to change his mind but this was just a couple of years ago. I wish he knew back then, worse, he did know and wasn't honest with me

Yep it's male factor infertility. And by now I'm sure AMA plays into it too. I just know that if it were female factor, I'd be ok with surrogacy, adoption you name it. Frustrated DH isn't willing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There have been other threads like this in the past. Essentially you have to decide which you want more: marriage with your husband without kids or kids but no marriage to your husband.

Or no kids AND no marriage to your husband. If you've struggled with infertility for years, it's quite possible you will never have kids. Adoption is not a sure thing by any means.

If OP is saying he doesn't want to do donor sperm, it might be that male factor is the issue and then she could go on to have a child using donor sperm herself.

I'm so sorry OP.

If you respond well to IVF could you harvest and freeze some eggs? That would buy you some time, and perhaps some chances, in the eventuality you and your husband work this through or decide to separate.

Anonymous wrote:There have been other threads like this in the past. Essentially you have to decide which you want more: marriage with your husband without kids or kids but no marriage to your husband.

Or no kids AND no marriage to your husband. If you've struggled with infertility for years, it's quite possible you will never have kids. Adoption is not a sure thing by any means.

Anonymous wrote:We're infertile, have tried multiple rounds of IVF, and husband does not want donor sperm or adoption. I'm 37 and feel like I'm at an impasse. We married with the expectation and understanding that we'd have kids together. But given the infertility and refusal to seek other ways to have kids, would it be crazy to get divorced? I'm just not sure I can see my future with my husband w/o kids, but he's perfectly happy with just the two of us.

I get that you guys expected to have kids. But sometimes, you don't get what you want. Life has thrown you a curve ball. It seems like your husband has been willing to make the extra effort to have kids, but has reached his (not unreasonable) limit. He might just be tired of trying and worn out by the emotional ups and downs, and ready to make his peace with your life as it is. If you don't want to be married to him unless you have kids, then I suppose you should leave him, but you should do so knowing that there is no guarantee that you will meet someone else and have kids with them. If you would rather be divorced and childless than married to him, then you should divorce.

These aren't exactly on point, but might give you some food for thought:

Husband doesn't want kids; but I do
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/142830.page

Husband says he wants kids in 10 years...but I'm 35!
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/329870.page

Husband opposed to/uncomfortable with ART
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/60/437945.page

DH wants kids and I don't.
http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/467479.page

There have been other threads like this in the past. Essentially you have to decide which you want more: marriage with your husband without kids or kids but no marriage to your husband.

Something else to consider is would you be willing to have a child(ren) on your own?

Anonymous wrote:I do love my husband. And he's my best friend but it's because we do fun things and spend quality time together. It's not because we share an amazing connection. And that's ok because marriage is hard work and we're grown ups. We're already seeing a sex therapist, a couples counselor and individual therapists, so I think we're covered on that front. Typing it all out here makes our relationship look a bit absurd.

first PP here. no, it doesn't. listen. infertility is completely traumatizing. IVF is traumatizing. not being able to manage to do something that almost everybody else can achieve by just having sex one time is traumatizing. don't underestimate the stress that you guys are going through. infertility changes you. it changes him. it makes you look at each other differently. maybe even resentfully.

we have gone to a sex therapist and couples counseling, and i have gone to individual therapists. it has been a very long road to recovery from the trauma.

I do love my husband. And he's my best friend but it's because we do fun things and spend quality time together. It's not because we share an amazing connection. And that's ok because marriage is hard work and we're grown ups. We're already seeing a sex therapist, a couples counselor and individual therapists, so I think we're covered on that front. Typing it all out here makes our relationship look a bit absurd.

100% agree with pp.
Good luck op!

ugh. i am so sorry. i went through infertility and multiple rounds of IVF. so i can empathize somewhat with what you are going through.

honestly, at 37 years old, your window to divorce, remarry, and have a kid are pretty low. remarry, sure. but the kids thing...unless you adopt, or marry a man with children from a previous marriage, i would not count on it.

so...the question is, do you love your DH? is he your best friend? are you still attracted to him and the lifestyle that you have together? i ask because even people who successfully have kids after infertility are more prone to drifting apart and not liking each other (BTDT, and a divorce lawyer confirmed that so many of her clients went through IVF, had a baby, and divorced a year later). meaning - infertility is HELL on a person and HELL on a couple. and not everybody survives that.

i don't have an answer for you, but will say that while it is not a "wrong" reason to get divorced, you need to do it with your eyes open to reality.

if you are not working with a therapist i urge you to do so. i wish i had found one a loong time ago while i was going through it all.

We're infertile, have tried multiple rounds of IVF, and husband does not want donor sperm or adoption. I'm 37 and feel like I'm at an impasse. We married with the expectation and understanding that we'd have kids together. But given the infertility and refusal to seek other ways to have kids, would it be crazy to get divorced? I'm just not sure I can see my future with my husband w/o kids, but he's perfectly happy with just the two of us.