Husband opposed to/uncomfortable with ART

[Anonymous]

By saying he doesn't want to do ART and you've been trying for 20 months he may not be saying that he doesn't want children, but he is definitely saying that he doesn't care either way.

Is that really someone who will be an active parent?

I envision this goes down something like this:
1) you conceive and take care of two children (him and your child)
2) you conceive and divorce within 3 years
2) you don't conceive and divorce within 3 years

So either you are ok with not having children with this man and stop trying, try to have a child knowing the end result will be you basically being a single Mom, or you move on. I say this as a single Mom, it is easy than caring for two "children."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

I don't think I'm being passive aggressive. I'm tired of him leaving all the decision-making to me (unless he feels like vetoing me) and I want him to actively make a choice, not throw up his hands and say "you get to decide." Him saying okay to ART is only halfway to a decision. The "when" matters. His original vetoing (and maybe I wasn't clear) wasn't saying "no, never," but "no, not now." So the "when" question is still up in the air.

You are being passive aggressive. He said okay to doing ART. He actively made that choice. You know your cycles and have apparently been the driver thus far. You have done the research. Why wouldn't he just trust you to know when to start. Tell him when your first monitoring will be. Let him know what the nurse says during monitoring. It sounds like you both need to grow up.

And I'm aware that the pattern of him doing whatever he wants and me being the responsible one is terrible. I don't think this thread is the place for me to detail everything I/we are doing about that, but trust me, I know it is huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk with him about it about again and again. What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues. In all likelihood the issue probably isn't his if SA came back normal. If he feels like he is supporting you and helping you will he be more apt to go through with it?

I think it can be more difficult for men when it is planned out rather than spontaneously happening. It gives him more of a chance to think and get scared.

Not every man. Not mine. If a man truly wants a child, he's on board. Manipulating her husband to have a child isn't the answer either.

I agree. "What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues" is terrible advice out of a soap opera script.

My DH wanted kids and was there with and for me through every damn step of our infertility journey. And every step since we were lucky enough to have kids.

How he's acting now, OP, should tell you something about how he will act as a parent.

I agree. You don't sound like two people who are ready to raise kids TOGETHER. Get out now.

[Anonymous]

R you really sure he wants kids? Maybe it's just excuse for him "wonna natural way" ??? But he is just afraid to say or admit he does not want any?

[Anonymous]

OP.
Do you have any couple friends that have been though ART that you old talk to about the process? My husband d a d I talked with some mutual friends who had ridden the fertility treatment roller oyster and it helped. I definitely think couples therapy is in order, perhaps someone who specializes in working with couples that havery gone though fertility treatment.

[Anonymous]

You still have 1-2 years without influencing ivf Sucess rates too much. The average age of patients on first consults was 34 for my specialist. But skip Iui at that age if you want higher odds. I conceived at 35 through ivf #2 after skipping iui. Too early to give ultimatum. ART is a big deal.