Anonymous wrote:OP here- his family lives in a different state.

None of our extended family has money.

Again, not your problem. He has severance and can hustle and find ways to make money. You're divorcing him. Stop treating him like a child.

OP here- his family lives in a different state.

None of our extended family has money.

The history, for anyone who doesn't know it

Hi, it's me, vacation wife. STBXH got a DUI mid-divorce- now what?
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1280637.page

Vacation wife here. 4 month update
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1130437.page

Original post/thread:
Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1103665.page

Do not let him move in. He will never move out and it will be very confusing for the kids.

If you do an illegal rental (are u in DC?) only rent to someone you or a friend knows or refers to you. If you get a shitty tenant in DC you will spend thousands and months of time and going to court to get them out.

Ease up on 529 contributions or stop completely until you have a better on financial fallout of your dick ex DH.
You can always borrow money for college but you can’t borrow money for retirement. Once things are more settled which honestly may be a few years , you can double up on 529. Or let grandparents know that the best gift for grandkids would be a 529 contribution.
Take o e issue at a time. I know it’s overwhelming but kids and moms are the most resilient people on earth. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:I would make sure you're legally separated so he can't drain you of even more money. You should focus on your own finances.

This. Do not get legally divorced right now. Stay separated and let him figure this out. If you get divorced right now, you'll likely have to pay him support.

You can be cordial for your kids' sake but this is not a problem for you to solve. Get on your employers health insurance though. He can live with is parents.

How likely is it he’ll be employed in another few months?

Can he move in with another family member to save money? I really don’t hope he expects any spousal support. Unless he wants to be your maid. I’m sorry you are going through this OP. Your kids will look to you on how to react to all of this drama.
Do you have any family who could offer you some financial support just so your kids can stay in all their activities.
DC does have a decent health exchange.

And no, do not do an under-the-table rental while you have little kids in the house. How many problems do you want in your life?

I think my first priority would be getting my kids insurance. He can figure himself out. You don’t have to house him or take care of him. I’m very surprised that you are dating given how enmeshed you have been with your husband this whole time.

What is your job? Why doesn’t it offer insurance? How flexible is your schedule now that you have to schlep your kids around?

He’s a real mess, op. You can’t rely on him for anything, I dare say he can’t even replace the little one’s daycare.

I would make sure you're legally separated so he can't drain you of even more money. You should focus on your own finances.

You should figure out how to get health insurance for yourself and your kids, and let your STBX lie in the bed he made for himself. Maybe his AP can help.

What was this? Link?

I believe the last update I gave DCUM was that soon to be ex husband moved out in October. He moved a couple blocks away, we put a lot of effort into a smooth and cohesive transition for the kids. Kids have been thriving 90%, our 7yo has started to get some anxiety about going back to school again. I don't thin it's divorce related, but on the radar none the less.

Then in June he got a DUI. He is going to lose his license for 9 months beginning in November. This is costing a lot of money and going to force a restructuring of driving logistics for the kids. He will apply for a permit to drive them to/from school, but I do not want them to all of a sudden not be able to do activities, playdates, outings, etc.

I was justttt starting to wrap my brain around options for that. He has not drank since the dui, upped his therapy to twice a week, started running everyday, became more communicative with me, his family/friends and generally spent this summer getting his sh-t together.

He just called me sobbing that he got laid off this morning. He made $200k, I just got a major promotion two weeks ago up to $130k and was SO pumped to beef up my retirement, kids 529s, and generally be less financially stressed. He is getting 6 weeks severance. We are all on his health insurance, my job doesn't offer it at all. He already drained his half of our savings from the dui.

I cannot afford the house, his rent, all utilities, his dui, childcare, etc etc etc.

I have spent a year really building an independent life for myself. I have put SO MUCH into the kids stability and being a great mom and therapy and professional development and not letting the dissolution of my life eat me alive.

This is not top priority at all but I have been dating someone absolutely wonderful since December and I was so looking forward to steadily progressing that relationship.

What do I do now? Kids stability and financial stability need to be prioritized.
I have an inlaw suite in my basement. Do I tell him to break his lease and move in there (his rent + utilities are $2200/m)? How would this affect the kids after they are doing great with all the transitions we've had this past year? It would absolutely put my mental health in the gutter to have to share a living space with him. I want to die thinking of having a non-working, non-driving ex living in my basement and sharing all living spaces.

Do I try to rent my basement to someone else? It is not a legal rental but maybe could airbnb or find a friend of a friend under the table thing.

Do I pull our little one out of daycare? ($1700/m) She is 4.5yo and really loves it there.

Do I tell him to figure it out and I'm done? Our divorce should be final in a couple months and if I owe him alimony and child support, I won't be able to keep the house.