Any therapists on here?

post reply Forum Index » Family Relationships
[Post New]02/22/2021 14:47
quote
Anonymous
Please help and no judgement. I already know I’m a terrible person however I’m trying to find out why and make it right. The story is that I have never had a great relationship with my stepdaughter. I’ve have been an absolutely awful stepmother. I have made life hell for her, her mom and my husband. To this day I don’t know why my husband sticks around. I am nice to SDD but mean in my ways, for example I cause a huge fight everything she comes over. If DH is talking to her on the phone I get this feeling of immediate anger and will start a banging things or start an argument with him. I’m so confused by my behavior because I like SDD a lot. She is sweet and is respectful. I would love to embrace her and welcome her in to our home. I would love to be a good stepmother to her and just be a good person to her. I have no idea why I’m behaving this way. How do I work on this? How do I get past this feeling of anger?How do I add to her life instead of being this hurdle for her. She is 24 and hasn’t had an easy life and I know that I can help make her life so much better. What can I do to open my heart to her.
[Post New]02/22/2021 14:55
quote
Anonymous
Are you jealous of her? Is there something she has you feel you are missing? Can you find a way to meet that need?
[Post New]02/22/2021 15:08
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Please help and no judgement. I already know I’m a terrible person however I’m trying to find out why and make it right. The story is that I have never had a great relationship with my stepdaughter. I’ve have been an absolutely awful stepmother. I have made life hell for her, her mom and my husband. To this day I don’t know why my husband sticks around. I am nice to SDD but mean in my ways, for example I cause a huge fight everything she comes over. If DH is talking to her on the phone I get this feeling of immediate anger and will start a banging things or start an argument with him. I’m so confused by my behavior because I like SDD a lot. She is sweet and is respectful. I would love to embrace her and welcome her in to our home. I would love to be a good stepmother to her and just be a good person to her. I have no idea why I’m behaving this way. How do I work on this? How do I get past this feeling of anger?How do I add to her life instead of being this hurdle for her. She is 24 and hasn’t had an easy life and I know that I can help make her life so much better. What can I do to open my heart to her.


You need to figure this out, OP, and it may be difficult to do because it will involve some serious self examination and perhaps reliving things in your own life, seemingly unrelated, that are subconsciously driving this irrational, destructive behavior.

On the other hand, what you can also do is take responsibility for your actions and forget your "feelings." Just be nice to her. That's it. It doesn't matter how you feel or if you're angry. Separate the two and act responsibly, even if you don't feel that way. For example, if she is on the phone with your husband and you feel angry and want to bang things around - just don't do it. Put down the pan or book or whatever it is you're throwing. Just don't do it. Control your actions, no matter how you feel.
[Post New]02/22/2021 15:13
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Are you jealous of her? Is there something she has you feel you are missing? Can you find a way to meet that need?

I’ve wondered that too and no, I’m not jealous. I wish that was the reason so I could work on it but it isn’t.
[Post New]02/22/2021 15:14
quote
Anonymous
Get off DCUM and find a therapist. I can't stand people who play the "I'm so awful and I need help. Why am I like this?! Someone fix me I'm so terrible" and then do nothing to actually fix the situation. Either start googling therapists and make an appt or just accept that you're a toxic B and don't expect any pity.
[Post New]02/22/2021 15:15
quote
Anonymous
You need to find a real live therapist. This behavior is atrocious.
[Post New]02/22/2021 15:15
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please help and no judgement. I already know I’m a terrible person however I’m trying to find out why and make it right. The story is that I have never had a great relationship with my stepdaughter. I’ve have been an absolutely awful stepmother. I have made life hell for her, her mom and my husband. To this day I don’t know why my husband sticks around. I am nice to SDD but mean in my ways, for example I cause a huge fight everything she comes over. If DH is talking to her on the phone I get this feeling of immediate anger and will start a banging things or start an argument with him. I’m so confused by my behavior because I like SDD a lot. She is sweet and is respectful. I would love to embrace her and welcome her in to our home. I would love to be a good stepmother to her and just be a good person to her. I have no idea why I’m behaving this way. How do I work on this? How do I get past this feeling of anger?How do I add to her life instead of being this hurdle for her. She is 24 and hasn’t had an easy life and I know that I can help make her life so much better. What can I do to open my heart to her.


You need to figure this out, OP, and it may be difficult to do because it will involve some serious self examination and perhaps reliving things in your own life, seemingly unrelated, that are subconsciously driving this irrational, destructive behavior.

On the other hand, what you can also do is take responsibility for your actions and forget your "feelings." Just be nice to her. That's it. It doesn't matter how you feel or if you're angry. Separate the two and act responsibly, even if you don't feel that way. For example, if she is on the phone with your husband and you feel angry and want to bang things around - just don't do it. Put down the pan or book or whatever it is you're throwing. Just don't do it. Control your actions, no matter how you feel.



Thank you! This is good advice. I think I’m going to work on this and hope it helps.
[Post New]02/22/2021 15:16
quote
Anonymous
Guys this is obviously a troll
[Post New]02/22/2021 16:04
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Guys this is obviously a troll

How is this obvious? I’m asking for advice if you don’t have any then don’t offer anything to say. I admit there’s a problem. I admit I am the problem. I am asking for help to fix it. I will book an appointment with a therapist however at the moment it’s not an option since my insurance doesn’t cover it.
[Post New]02/23/2021 12:37
quote
jsmith123
Member Offline
OP I honestly think it would go a long way for you to type something like this up and give it to your husband.

[Post New]02/23/2021 12:42
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Please help and no judgement. I already know I’m a terrible person however I’m trying to find out why and make it right. The story is that I have never had a great relationship with my stepdaughter. I’ve have been an absolutely awful stepmother. I have made life hell for her, her mom and my husband. To this day I don’t know why my husband sticks around. I am nice to SDD but mean in my ways, for example I cause a huge fight everything she comes over. If DH is talking to her on the phone I get this feeling of immediate anger and will start a banging things or start an argument with him. I’m so confused by my behavior because I like SDD a lot. She is sweet and is respectful. I would love to embrace her and welcome her in to our home. I would love to be a good stepmother to her and just be a good person to her. I have no idea why I’m behaving this way. How do I work on this? How do I get past this feeling of anger?How do I add to her life instead of being this hurdle for her. She is 24 and hasn’t had an easy life and I know that I can help make her life so much better. What can I do to open my heart to her.


You need to figure this out, OP, and it may be difficult to do because it will involve some serious self examination and perhaps reliving things in your own life, seemingly unrelated, that are subconsciously driving this irrational, destructive behavior.

On the other hand, what you can also do is take responsibility for your actions and forget your "feelings." Just be nice to her. That's it. It doesn't matter how you feel or if you're angry. Separate the two and act responsibly, even if you don't feel that way. For example, if she is on the phone with your husband and you feel angry and want to bang things around - just don't do it. Put down the pan or book or whatever it is you're throwing. Just don't do it. Control your actions, no matter how you feel.



Thank you! This is good advice. I think I’m going to work on this and hope it helps.


This is actually very good advice for most people, in all areas of their life. Lead with your actions and your feelings will follow - not the other way around, which is where people get screwed up. "I was feeling angry, so I did this." Instead, do what you know is right - no matter how you are feeling.

[Post New]02/23/2021 12:48
quote
Anonymous
I agree that you need to find out the root cause of your behavior, or the behavior will only return. I did something terrible that hurt people I love. First, I took responsibility for my actions directly to the people who were hurt most by my actions. I said, I did this and I am sorry (with NO BUTS). Second, I did A LOT of work on myself to find out why I thought my actions were okay. It was not easy and the answer did not appear overnight. I had to look in the mirror, and recognize I was the bad guy in the situation. And then I did (with a therapist and on my own through journaling) what I call peeling the onion. I would dig deep, and when I found an explanation for my choices, I would keep going and continue to peel the onion. I peeled that onion until there was nothing left, and while that was painful and hard, I am in a much better place now than I ever have been. The work was so worth it.

I think working directly with a professional who could ask the right leading questions would help you, if you truly want to address these behaviors. 

P.S. Please don't fall into the self-defeating mindset of telling yourself "I'm a terrible person." No. You are a person who made terrible, hurtful choices and you can change. But change won't happen without acknowledgment and growth.
[Post New]02/23/2021 20:18
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Are you jealous of her? Is there something she has you feel you are missing? Can you find a way to meet that need?

I’ve wondered that too and no, I’m not jealous. I wish that was the reason so I could work on it but it isn’t.


Could you subconsciously behave this way because you're resentful DH had a life before you that he can't and doesn't want to leave behind? He will always have a connection to ex-wife due to daughter. They will one day become grandparents together. Please see a therapist to help yourself. You are aware of this behavior and it's making you miserable. Which shows you have a conscience. Please help yourself feel better. Sit down with DD and open up. Tell her you want a good relationship and take responsibility for the fact it's been bad so far. Good luck OP. You are worth being loved.
post reply Forum Index » Family Relationships
Message Quick Reply
Go to: 

Search   Recent Topics   Hottest Topics