Anonymous wrote:I would suggest some parenting books, articles, or classes. Your pediatrician maybe able to explain the brain development of the child so he can understand the reasons for her behavior. You could make a list of non-negotiable rules that you will be stand firm on, and then make another list of things not worth fighting about. You might talk about if he views her as being disobedient or disrespectful, and you can explain why that isn’t really what is happening. Right now, you are both laying the groundwork for her emotional development, and he probably doesn’t understand that. He sounds like he is trying, and you can try to talk about recurring situations, like bedtime, ahead of them, and plan how to respond to her. She will learn that you have different styles, and you should.

Anonymous wrote:My husband struggles with change and has a habit of digging his heels in response to things that are outside his preconceived notion of the way things are going to happen.

He’s actually done a great job of recognizing this in himself and taking steps to address it. I work with him and have learned how to call him out on it so that we can still make decisions as a couple. He knows it’s a bad habit and even when his first response is to dig in during a discussion between us, he is also quick to self correct, usually circling back after an hour or a day so that we can pick it back up with a healthier attitude.

The problem is that it’s now happening with our toddler and it’s creating real challenges in their relationship (and mine). Like most toddlers, ours lacks the capacity to wait for someone to circle back an hour later to resolve something. So instead, she and my husband are constantly getting locked into arguments over nothing. Worse, our daughter will come to me to negotiate these arguments “But Daddy said...” and not only does this suck when I’m just trying to get time to myself, it also puts me in a horrible position between them. My default is to tell my daughter that she and Daddy need to resolve it on their own, but she increasingly refuses to engage with him at this point. Not to mention that all this conflict (again, over nothing) is wearing on my nerves.

He knows he needs to stop doing this and learn to be more flexible when interacting with her, but it’s hard. Has anyone else learned to do this and have tips? I kind of get it because toddlers are challenging and she even tests me, and I’m a very flexible, conflict-averse person. But so often he is being rigid about just arbitrary things (like which dress she wears or whether she eats most of versus all of her dinner). Any tips?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. An example would be at bedtime, getting her ready for bed. Recently she has not been wanting to put on pajamas.

If it’s me, and she says “I don’t want to wear jammies, I want to sleep in my underwear,” I say, “ok it’s up to you but you might get cold. Are you ok with that?” And she’ll say yes and I’ll let her sleep in her underwear because who cares? The thing that matters is that she’s going to bed on schedule. Maybe I put an extra blanket on her bed just in case.

But my husband will go ten rounds on the pajamas and then get frustrated if she doesn’t agree, and by then her bedtime has passed and she’s in such a mood that it’s impossible to get her teeth brushed. Everything is a drama.

I have found that the important rules, I have to hold firm and she will abide by them. But all the other stuff? As long as it’s safe and not a massive inconvenience to me, I just don’t argue it. But my husband will argue anything with her no matter how minuscule.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband struggles with change and has a habit of digging his heels in response to things that are outside his preconceived notion of the way things are going to happen.

He’s actually done a great job of recognizing this in himself and taking steps to address it. I work with him and have learned how to call him out on it so that we can still make decisions as a couple. He knows it’s a bad habit and even when his first response is to dig in during a discussion between us, he is also quick to self correct, usually circling back after an hour or a day so that we can pick it back up with a healthier attitude.

The problem is that it’s now happening with our toddler and it’s creating real challenges in their relationship (and mine). Like most toddlers, ours lacks the capacity to wait for someone to circle back an hour later to resolve something. So instead, she and my husband are constantly getting locked into arguments over nothing. Worse, our daughter will come to me to negotiate these arguments “But Daddy said...” and not only does this suck when I’m just trying to get time to myself, it also puts me in a horrible position between them. My default is to tell my daughter that she and Daddy need to resolve it on their own, but she increasingly refuses to engage with him at this point. Not to mention that all this conflict (again, over nothing) is wearing on my nerves.

He knows he needs to stop doing this and learn to be more flexible when interacting with her, but it’s hard. Has anyone else learned to do this and have tips? I kind of get it because toddlers are challenging and she even tests me, and I’m a very flexible, conflict-averse person. But so often he is being rigid about just arbitrary things (like which dress she wears or whether she eats most of versus all of her dinner). Any tips?

Why are you engaging in this? While I agree picking your battles is important, your husband isn't the only one who needs some parenting tips. You are being played.

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.