How to help spouse be less rigid/more flexible with our toddler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband struggles with change and has a habit of digging his heels in response to things that are outside his preconceived notion of the way things are going to happen.

He’s actually done a great job of recognizing this in himself and taking steps to address it. I work with him and have learned how to call him out on it so that we can still make decisions as a couple. He knows it’s a bad habit and even when his first response is to dig in during a discussion between us, he is also quick to self correct, usually circling back after an hour or a day so that we can pick it back up with a healthier attitude.

The problem is that it’s now happening with our toddler and it’s creating real challenges in their relationship (and mine). Like most toddlers, ours lacks the capacity to wait for someone to circle back an hour later to resolve something. So instead, she and my husband are constantly getting locked into arguments over nothing. Worse, our daughter will come to me to negotiate these arguments “But Daddy said...” and not only does this suck when I’m just trying to get time to myself, it also puts me in a horrible position between them. My default is to tell my daughter that she and Daddy need to resolve it on their own, but she increasingly refuses to engage with him at this point. Not to mention that all this conflict (again, over nothing) is wearing on my nerves.

He knows he needs to stop doing this and learn to be more flexible when interacting with her, but it’s hard. Has anyone else learned to do this and have tips? I kind of get it because toddlers are challenging and she even tests me, and I’m a very flexible, conflict-averse person. But so often he is being rigid about just arbitrary things (like which dress she wears or whether she eats most of versus all of her dinner). Any tips?

Why are you engaging in this? While I agree picking your battles is important, your husband isn't the only one who needs some parenting tips. You are being played.

She literally says in the section that you bolded that she doesn't engage -- she tell DD to go back to DH to resolve. The issue is that her DH is not finding ways to resolve these things on his own, so her DD is going to the parent who has a track record of resolving issues and helping everyone move forward.

OP, that has happened to me, too and it's super frustrating. I think my DH also struggled with adapting to parenthood in this way, and I think the toddler stage was one of the hardest for him because his family had taught him all this very old-fashioned stuff about discipline and "good" kids and "bad" kids and it made it harder for him to adapt to understand that you can short circuit a lot of the battles by just letting them win on the stuff that isn't that important. Your pajama example is great, that's exactly the kind of situation to just give the kid a "win".

I don't know about you but my DH has really never been one for reading parenting books, he prefers to learn by doing. What I did is just continue to demonstrate empathetic, calm parenting techniques and he slowly came around as he saw that his approach was not working and mine was. I guess it kind of depend on how stubborn he is. I had to be careful not to lecture or tell him how to do it because that would make him defensive, but just modeling a more productive approach worked because at the end of the day, he didn't want to be constantly at odds with our DS.

If it doesn't start getting better, I might suggest some couples counseling. A PEP session as others suggest could help to, but it actually sounds like you really understand how to approach these things and it's taking your DH longer to get on board. Maybe there is something going on with your relationship that his making him more stubborn regarding parenting -- sometimes there is jealousy or other stuff happening that can create these divisions in parenting approach. Resolving that might make it easier for you guys to get on the same page. Though I do want to reiterate that it sounds like you know what you're doing and that he needs to get on board with it.

No she says she says it's her default, implies she doesn't always, and that her daughter goes to her repeatedly suggests she sometimes gives in or knows mommy will let her do what she wants.

As a pp said. OP is being played. She and her husband need to as a team need to come up with some guidelines for the household and stick to them so DD knows her limits and doesn't play back and forth. If OP gets into the game of being the parenting expert and dictating to her husband what needs to be done and the classes he needs to take as if he's an employee and not an equal partner it sets up a dynamic for the future that OP doesn't want to have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

*Shouldn’t

OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

I’m not OP, but why shouldn’t a toddler know what they want to sleep in? How old do you have to be before you know what you like or don’t?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

I’m not OP, but why shouldn’t a toddler know what they want to sleep in? How old do you have to be before you know what you like or don’t?

Toddler may get colder at night since her body is at rest. Even if she wakes and puts her blanket back on by herself (without waking the parents), it's still disruptive to her own sleep cycle which in and of itself isn't good for her, but also can contribute to daytime fussiness. That's why parents make the rules. Mom may decide it's no big deal, but it's not at all unreasonable for Dad to feel otherwise. It is a valid parenting decision on his part and, at least in this example, not him being unreasonably rigid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

I’m not OP, but why shouldn’t a toddler know what they want to sleep in? How old do you have to be before you know what you like or don’t?

Toddler may get colder at night since her body is at rest. Even if she wakes and puts her blanket back on by herself (without waking the parents), it's still disruptive to her own sleep cycle which in and of itself isn't good for her, but also can contribute to daytime fussiness. That's why parents make the rules. Mom may decide it's no big deal, but it's not at all unreasonable for Dad to feel otherwise. It is a valid parenting decision on his part and, at least in this example, not him being unreasonably rigid.

Not pp, just agree that it's a little ridiculous to act like this is a 'no brainer/good parenting' decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

I’m not OP, but why shouldn’t a toddler know what they want to sleep in? How old do you have to be before you know what you like or don’t?

You might know what you want at 6 weeks old, but should you always get it? No. That’s why little children need adult parents who can think rationally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

I’m not OP, but why shouldn’t a toddler know what they want to sleep in? How old do you have to be before you know what you like or don’t?

+1
NP. What possible reason could a parent give as to why a child who wants to sleep in their underwear should have to put on pajamas? It's not unsanitary. If the child isn't cold, there is not danger to him. And even if he is a little cold, maybe he learns that he needs to put on pajamas in order to be comfortable at night, and then instead of his parents having to "make" him put his pajamas on, he does it because it makes sense to him and he wants to.

OP sounds like she is on the right track. Her DH needs to start asking himself why he has such a hard time with his child asserting some very basic autonomy. That's only going to get harder as the child gets older. This is why so many parents thing teenagers are inherently difficult. They aren't, but if you have been fighting your kid's autonomy for 15 or 16 years, you are gonna get an earful when the kid finally feels big enough to speak up for themself.

[Anonymous]

Rational thinking doesn’t happen in toddlerhood. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Just make her wear pjs. Your “flexibility” is teaching her this behavior. In general I believe being flexible and responsive is good, I don’t come at this from an authoritarian perspective, but by having no expectations you’re teaching her that everything is up to her. Toddlers do very well with a lack of flexibility— routine and consistency. You are inadvertently making her life more stressful by giving her lots of choices. And it isn’t great for your marriage/parenting relationship either.

I was very much like you when I had my first and it took me a while to see that all my well intentioned flexibility was creating anxiety in my kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would suggest some parenting books, articles, or classes. Your pediatrician maybe able to explain the brain development of the child so he can understand the reasons for her behavior. You could make a list of non-negotiable rules that you will be stand firm on, and then make another list of things not worth fighting about. You might talk about if he views her as being disobedient or disrespectful, and you can explain why that isn’t really what is happening. Right now, you are both laying the groundwork for her emotional development, and he probably doesn’t understand that. He sounds like he is trying, and you can try to talk about recurring situations, like bedtime, ahead of them, and plan how to respond to her. She will learn that you have different styles, and you should.

+1. I was also a pretty rigid thinker coming into parenthood, OP, and it took a lot of work to change my mind and reactions, but it was so important that I did. Our house is so much calmer. Listening to Janet Lansbury Unruffled podcasts, especially, gave me a few "aha" moments about how undeveloped toddlers' emotional regulation is. I also worked on my behavior towards my DC in therapy and read lots of books. A PEP consult, which is just you and DH virtually meeting with a PEP trained consultant for 50 minutes, is only around $100 and you can send a list of problems to talk about ahead of time; you also get access to a video lesson on talking to kids that I found very helpful. Good luck!

Yes, listen to Janet! I also love @DrBeckyatHome on Instagram. And also, please do not make your kid eat all their food on their plate. There are a lot of reasons not to do this, so I'd recommend you follow Kids.Eat.in.Color (Insta or Blog) to find out how to handle (and pick) food battles. The basics are the parents choose when and what to serve, your kid picks if and how much to eat of everything served (with at least one food they usually like at each meal)/snack time). The IF is so important.

Finally, focus on giving choices in lots of areas of life so she gets to use her voice to impact the world around her. This is important for toddlers. So, for example, the pajama battle shouldn't be yes or no pajamas. But, "you have to wear pajamas to bed, that's non-negotiable, but which of these two would you like to wear today." You can also engage at least WHY she doesn't want to wear them. Is she hot? (hey, shorts are an option) Are they scratchy? (here are some super soft ones) Does she just not like pjs? (Here's some fun rainbow ones!). But sometimes toddlers are not reasonable, so this is not always fruitful. Then you just say "ok, you're allowed to be upset, but these are your choices."

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the input. I'm a big fan of Unruffled and glad others like it too. If only I could get my husband to listen to it!

I think folks are misunderstanding the example I provided. It's not about the pajamas. My husband doesn't care if she wears pajamas to bed or not. It's that when our daughter has a meltdown, which happens with some frequency because she's at that age where she is still very much learning how to regulate her emotions, my husband will often just argue with her instead of figuring out how to resolve the meltdown. He hears her being combative and his instinct is to also be combative, which creates conflict where there really isn't any. They'll argue about the pajamas for 10 minutes and then he'll do what he was always going to do and say "ok, pajamas are not a big deal."

The same thing happens on stuff where we really do have a firm line -- instead of holding the line, he'll engage in debate. To carry on with bedtime, we obviously have a rule that she has to brush her teeth before bed. If she pushes back on this with me, I very kindly but firmly explain that we have to do it and suggest she make it a game by singing a song or setting one of her windup toys on the counter while we brush. But my husband will literally argue with her, try to reason with her about it, sometimes even say stuff like "Why are you doing this to me?" which obviously she doesn't understand at all.

It's not a question of me being the permissive parent and him being more strict. We pretty much agree on what the rules are and when we are willing to be more lenient. The issue is in approach -- he just has a really hard time "being the grown up" when our toddler is being difficult. We've talked about "being her calm" and modeling the behavior we want her to have, and he gets it intellectually, but then in the moment when she says no or gets whiny, his first instinct is to just say no back and get, frankly, equally whiny.

So I'm more asking for advice on how people who have struggled with staying calm and mature in the face of really challenging toddler meltdowns remember to do so. For me it feels really instinctual -- it never occurs to me to debate any of this stuff with her. But my husband really struggles. Sometimes I think he just forgets that she is a very small child and he's engaging her the way he might engage a coworker or his brother or something. We are just trying to think of things he could do to help him remember, in the moment, to overcome the instinct to argue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

I’m not OP, but why shouldn’t a toddler know what they want to sleep in? How old do you have to be before you know what you like or don’t?

Toddler may get colder at night since her body is at rest. Even if she wakes and puts her blanket back on by herself (without waking the parents), it's still disruptive to her own sleep cycle which in and of itself isn't good for her, but also can contribute to daytime fussiness. That's why parents make the rules. Mom may decide it's no big deal, but it's not at all unreasonable for Dad to feel otherwise. It is a valid parenting decision on his part and, at least in this example, not him being unreasonably rigid.

And if the toddler or preschooler knows she wakes up every night too hot when Daddy makes her wear pjs? That was me. My mom let me wear undies and I didn't sweat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for the input. I'm a big fan of Unruffled and glad others like it too. If only I could get my husband to listen to it!

I think folks are misunderstanding the example I provided. It's not about the pajamas. My husband doesn't care if she wears pajamas to bed or not. It's that when our daughter has a meltdown, which happens with some frequency because she's at that age where she is still very much learning how to regulate her emotions, my husband will often just argue with her instead of figuring out how to resolve the meltdown. He hears her being combative and his instinct is to also be combative, which creates conflict where there really isn't any. They'll argue about the pajamas for 10 minutes and then he'll do what he was always going to do and say "ok, pajamas are not a big deal."

The same thing happens on stuff where we really do have a firm line -- instead of holding the line, he'll engage in debate. To carry on with bedtime, we obviously have a rule that she has to brush her teeth before bed. If she pushes back on this with me, I very kindly but firmly explain that we have to do it and suggest she make it a game by singing a song or setting one of her windup toys on the counter while we brush. But my husband will literally argue with her, try to reason with her about it, sometimes even say stuff like "Why are you doing this to me?" which obviously she doesn't understand at all.

It's not a question of me being the permissive parent and him being more strict. We pretty much agree on what the rules are and when we are willing to be more lenient. The issue is in approach -- he just has a really hard time "being the grown up" when our toddler is being difficult. We've talked about "being her calm" and modeling the behavior we want her to have, and he gets it intellectually, but then in the moment when she says no or gets whiny, his first instinct is to just say no back and get, frankly, equally whiny.

So I'm more asking for advice on how people who have struggled with staying calm and mature in the face of really challenging toddler meltdowns remember to do so. For me it feels really instinctual -- it never occurs to me to debate any of this stuff with her. But my husband really struggles. Sometimes I think he just forgets that she is a very small child and he's engaging her the way he might engage a coworker or his brother or something. We are just trying to think of things he could do to help him remember, in the moment, to overcome the instinct to argue.

I think both of you should read and implement 1-2-3 Magic. Your approach doesn’t seem any more effective, TBH. You don’t need to “kindly but firmly explain why we have to do it.” Just do it! A song, a distraction, fine. It sounds like your desire to avoid conflict is driving your parenting and your husband is trying to have a rational argument with a toddler. Neither is great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is a toddler deciding if she wants to sleep in her pajamas? I never hear of something so ridiculous.

Should a parent know better than a toddler. OMG.

I’m not OP, but why shouldn’t a toddler know what they want to sleep in? How old do you have to be before you know what you like or don’t?

Toddler may get colder at night since her body is at rest. Even if she wakes and puts her blanket back on by herself (without waking the parents), it's still disruptive to her own sleep cycle which in and of itself isn't good for her, but also can contribute to daytime fussiness. That's why parents make the rules. Mom may decide it's no big deal, but it's not at all unreasonable for Dad to feel otherwise. It is a valid parenting decision on his part and, at least in this example, not him being unreasonably rigid.

Girl, bye. Go somewhere else with that mumbo jumbo. It's disruptive to wake up sweaty, too. It is being rigid to make someone sleep in what YOU want them to sleep in.

And OP, I know you came back update, just responding to this nonsense.

Your DH sounds like he wants to argue - one of the dumbest things ever is to argue with someone that is 3 years old. He will NEVER win. Ever, because 3 year olds are not rational. How would he respond if you told him it's stupid to argue with a 3 year old? Serious question...

[Anonymous]

Hi, we’re married to the same person. It’s not you, it’s him. You’re doing a fine job! I agree with asking him to read No Bad Kids or even just retelling him key parts if he’s noncommittal about picking it up.

My DH gets into the same battles with my 3.5 year old and she asks me to intervene too because even she knows DH is being ridiculous with arbitrary rules. I also usually send her back to solve it between them but have got DH to the point where just “the look” from me reminds him that he’s the adult and he’s engaging in and exacerbating a pointless battle.

His resistance to situations going differently than he imagined is rooted in anxiety and he’s recently started therapy for it, which has actually made him quite empathetic so once he remembers his role as the adult he does a good job apologizing for being cranky/mean/loud etc and either letting her proceed with her choice (when it’s harmless) or explaining how it’s going to go down in a way that’s less confrontational and drama-inducing for a 3 year old.