jsmith123 wrote:OP I think in this case you need to be direct, even if the answer is one that your siblings won't like.

"I have no plans to come back at this time."

But, are you sure that you're not putting an undue burden on them by doing this? If you are, consider other ways you can help (maybe by putting $ towards some part-time in-home care if you can).

Anonymous wrote:I just traveled a long distance twice in 2 months to visit ill parent and sibling keeps texting me when I am coming back to help. Parent does not need around the clock care. Keeps texting me saying they want to make a schedule. I was just there. Not sure when I am going back. Parent has a lot of help - big family. How can I answer these direct texts asking “are you coming up tomorrow?” and “when are you coming back?”

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Clearly neither did mine since my mom worked until the day of her death.

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like there is a disconnect between what your parents' needs are and what you feel is your responsibility to your parents and your siblings. That may be why you're getting pressure from one of your siblings.

Do you know what your parent's needs are and do you know how much of a burden your sib is carrying?

It doesn't seem unreasonable for one sibling to pressure another if one sibling is bearing 99% of the burden of caring for aging parents. You need to have a clear conversation with your siblings about what your parents need and what each person (including you) is doing to help meet that need. (Your hotel bill is not part of that equation btw.) Then you should work with your sibling to set up a list of responsibilities and a visiting schedule.

You need to do your part OP. No one gets a pass.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Clearly neither did mine since my mom worked until the day of her death.

DP. Bravo to the PP for understanding what it means to be a responsible child to an aging parent. OP you need to pay attention. The PP has demonstrated that even though her parent was working, she still found a way to help her mother and to be useful to her.

Step up, OP, and do what you need to do. It sounds like at least one of your siblings needs you to become more responsible.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Clearly neither did mine since my mom worked until the day of her death.

DP. Bravo to the PP for understanding what it means to be a responsible child to an aging parent. OP you need to pay attention. The PP has demonstrated that even though her parent was working, she still found a way to help her mother and to be useful to her.

Step up, OP, and do what you need to do. It sounds like at least one of your siblings needs you to become more responsible.

Also ridiculous. It’s usually the sibling that can’t actually pay for anything that makes the “you can’t just throw money at things” statement. All of this would be way harder if parents were homeless or they had to live at said sibling’s house.

OP, you’re doing great. Just answer truthfully that you’ve already been up recently and are contributing a great deal financially. Let the chips fall where they may. I hope your parents were good to you,