How to not answer a question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Clearly neither did mine since my mom worked until the day of her death.

DP. Bravo to the PP for understanding what it means to be a responsible child to an aging parent. OP you need to pay attention. The PP has demonstrated that even though her parent was working, she still found a way to help her mother and to be useful to her.

Step up, OP, and do what you need to do. It sounds like at least one of your siblings needs you to become more responsible.

Paying for the house and groceries seems pretty responsible from a long distance. Stop acting like OP's doing nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Clearly neither did mine since my mom worked until the day of her death.

DP. Bravo to the PP for understanding what it means to be a responsible child to an aging parent. OP you need to pay attention. The PP has demonstrated that even though her parent was working, she still found a way to help her mother and to be useful to her.

Step up, OP, and do what you need to do. It sounds like at least one of your siblings needs you to become more responsible.

Also ridiculous. It’s usually the sibling that can’t actually pay for anything that makes the “you can’t just throw money at things” statement. All of this would be way harder if parents were homeless or they had to live at said sibling’s house.

OP, you’re doing great. Just answer truthfully that you’ve already been up recently and are contributing a great deal financially. Let the chips fall where they may. I hope your parents were good to you,

"Pay for the house" doesn't have a lot of meaning for most parts of this country where housing is very inexpensive. The sibling is giving the gift of time which is the more precious commodity. It sounds like OP is the one willing to throw money ... but obviously she isn't throwing enough. So she needs to put up or shut up. Word.

OP probably needs to be home to WORK to have money to "throw." Paying for a house and food even in a cheap area isn't an inexpensive proposition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Clearly neither did mine since my mom worked until the day of her death.

DP. Bravo to the PP for understanding what it means to be a responsible child to an aging parent. OP you need to pay attention. The PP has demonstrated that even though her parent was working, she still found a way to help her mother and to be useful to her.

Step up, OP, and do what you need to do. It sounds like at least one of your siblings needs you to become more responsible.

Paying for the house and groceries seems pretty responsible from a long distance. Stop acting like OP's doing nothing.

The point is that OP's sibling doesn't think that OP is doing her fair share. That is very important. OP needs to figure out what needs to be done, what her sibling is doing, and how OP can be helping fairly and equally. OP needs to be a more responsible participant in this and OP needs to step up her game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This isn't about answering a question. It's about figuring out how to get your parents' needs met, everyone doing their part and everyone knowing what they can expect from the others. It is not fair to be vague or not to provide a schedule or a list of things they can expect you to take care of. Throwing money at it isn't enough, especially if you are in better financial shape than your siblings.

In my family two of us lived far away and three lived in the same town. Also I had some SILs who lived in the town. My sibling who didn't live near, didn't help at all. We knew he wouldn't and it was better that we knew even if it was a jerk thing to do. I took care of everything financial - making sure insurance was up to date, medical bills paid, taxes done, etc. I also took care of everything medical - making sure appointments were set, rides were arranged, that information was conveyed to the doctors (they didn't talk to me, but did take information from me), etc. And, I took care of all quality of life issues - I went up every 4-6 weeks and took her shopping, to the grocery store (she loved to go grocery shopping) and out to eat. I took her on trips. I picked her grandkids up for visits. I took her to all events - weddings, funerals, etc. One of my siblings took care of all repairs and putting together anything that needed to be put together and also check ins at least weekly. Another checked in daily and a third did all of the driving, which was huge because despite serious medical issues, my mom worked until her death. One of them also took care of the groceries, but at this point, I don't remember which one anymore. This worked for so many years because everything was covered and everyone knew what to expect. If one of us could not fulfill our part, we arranged for another to cover it.

"Parent does not need around the clock care"

Clearly neither did mine since my mom worked until the day of her death.

DP. Bravo to the PP for understanding what it means to be a responsible child to an aging parent. OP you need to pay attention. The PP has demonstrated that even though her parent was working, she still found a way to help her mother and to be useful to her.

Step up, OP, and do what you need to do. It sounds like at least one of your siblings needs you to become more responsible.

Paying for the house and groceries seems pretty responsible from a long distance. Stop acting like OP's doing nothing.

The point is that OP's sibling doesn't think that OP is doing her fair share. That is very important. OP needs to figure out what needs to be done, what her sibling is doing, and how OP can be helping fairly and equally. OP needs to be a more responsible participant in this and OP needs to step up her game.

You’re assuming that OP’s sibling is correct. Not sure why you’d make this assumption unless you’re projecting from your own experiences.

[Anonymous]

Adding to above...isn’t it equally possible that OP’s sibling is jealous of her ability to provide financially so is just being a PIA...or has never worked hard or had to pay for anything so they don’t understand how difficult and valuable this contribution is?? Or, sibling is lazy and wants OP to do 80%. There are a number of possibilities here.

[Anonymous]

Ultimately, caregiving is a choice. OP’s siblings are making the choice to provide a particular level of in-person care to their mother, but they can’t expect OP to do the same; it can’t always be precisely equal. OP is doing what she feels she reasonably can, as someone who isn’t local enough to do the daily hands-on care; she has figured out ways she can support her parent and siblings from a distance. Paying for housing and groceries is valuable and not to be shrugged off or dismissed, just because she’s not logging in the sane hours as her local siblings. And I’m saying that as someone who would move mountains for my mom if she were in a similar situation and be there as often as I could.

That being said, OP, a heart-to-heart conversation with your siblings about your mom’s needs, what help your siblings are hoping for from you, and what you can reasonably accommodate is in order. Just air it out and go from there. Beyond that, if you’re not willing to visit more than you currently are, you just have to be direct with your sibling.