Older child doesn’t like nanny
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Anonymous
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I have a 7yo DD and 3yo DS. We hired a new nanny about 7 months ago and I think she and my DD just don’t click. We had a different nanny who started when DD was 6 months and left us last year so it’s been a hard transition and the reality is that she will never have the same relationship with another nanny as she did with our first. However, DD continually tells me she doesn’t like the nanny and she wants someone new.
Her main complaints are that the nanny isn’t always nice to her and that she never spends time with her. From what I have observed, the nanny is not all that warm and fuzzy (our old one was) and has a bit of a sarcastic personality - and I think DD responds negatively to that because she can be a bit sensitive. My nanny will say things like “when was the last time you showered, I think I smell your feet From over here” as a joke but DD gets upset by it even though my nanny is trying to be funny and not malicious. Additionally, my 3yo is a handful and the nanny spends most of her time focusing on him and I think the reality is that she hasn’t been able to build a relationship with my DD. Part of me thinks she needs to try harder but it just hasn’t happened. When DD was home sick last week she said the nanny didn’t play with her at all, even when DS took a 2.5 hour nap in the afternoon, because she other things to do. She always tells me the nanny doesn’t have time for her and seems kind of sad about it. So all said, should we look for a new nanny because DD is clearly unhappy or is that crazy? She regularly says she wishes we had a different nanny which makes me sad to hear because this person is a big part of her life. We will likely have a full time nanny for at least the next 4-5 years because my DH travels for work regularly and we need the insurance policy for summers, sick days, etc. What would others do here? |
Anonymous
| Most kids that age dint respond well to sarcasm so it’s not a great technique in the nanny’s part. Not age appropriate. |
Anonymous
| Get a new nanny. In defense of your daughter, joking about someone’s smelly feet is hardly the way to win friends. |
Anonymous
| The feet joke is kind of mean. I wouldn’t want my kid to grow up to develop that kind of humor. |
Anonymous
| 7 months? I mean it seems pretty clear to me that you should replace her. Do you want your daughter being cared for by somebody who doesn’t care about her? Or at least makes her feel that way? Since she’s already spending most of her day in school, the hours outside it are extra precious. |
Anonymous
| Replace. That’s not a funny or nice joke, I understand why your child would have reservations |
Anonymous
| Replace her. We had a bad fit once that I tried to make work and my teenager still talks about that nanny and it was years ago. |
Anonymous
| New nanny. |
Anonymous
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Have you tried talking to the nanny about this? Suggest that she try harder with your DD, and engage with her? Sounds like she’s overwhelmed with the 3 yo (they are a handful) and DD is probably easy enough to entertain herself, so maybe the nanny doesn’t realize she needs more attention. I’d certainly at least try to talk to her about it before just up and getting a new nanny and all the hassle that takes, not to mention if your 3 yo is attached to her.
I’d also tell her DD is sensitive and doesn’t get the kinds of jokes the nanny is telling. |
Anonymous
+1 try to work this out with the nanny first. Seems unfair to let her go without talking to her about this. |
Anonymous
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I have two DDs, two years apart. (They are now teens, but this happened when one was 2-4 and the other 0-2, I'd say.
The nanny favored my younger DD. I didn't know that at the time because every time she came over, I rushed out to do shopping, etc. Long-story-short, I didn't get tipped off until a cleaning lady mentioned it. Then I started to stick around in the back room and realized it was true. I also noticed that when the nanny came, the younger one would run to her and the older one would hold back, as if she knew she was second-best. Interestingly, the younger one was starting to "know" this too and take advantage of it. So, there were repercussions. Even though I got rid of the nanny, my older one struggled with her self-esteem about this for years (why didn't Larla like me as much as Little Sister?) etc. It would come up, maybe once a year or so--long after I would think she would have forgotten about it. OP, It was IMPORTANT that my older DD saw and understood that I got rid of the nanny --that I "had DD's back." That I thought SHE, my DD, was important enough to do something about it. Please get rid of the nanny. I know it's inconvenient. Just do it. Your DD needs to see that she is important enough to you that you will protect her in this way, and not tolerate anyone who is not right for your DD, even if it's totally inconvenient to you. This is not about spoiling, btw, this is about showing your DD that she is worthwhile. |
Anonymous
Great share. Get a new nanny, OP! Your daughter deserves better! |
Anonymous
| I think you need to make sure that it’s not just that your DD wants her old nanny back. Sit her down and explain that you are willing to get a new nanny, but unfortunately it won’t be your old nanny. Does she still want a new one? If so, find out what she wants in a nanny and involve her in the selection process (at least make her feel that way), as it will help with buy in. Be aware that lots of kids reject their nanny immediately after losing one they were very attached to. It may be nothing nanny is doing at all. Even so, she may be willing to give a new one a fair shake if she’s quasi over it by now and/or unfairly holds this nanny responsible for the loss. |
prettylittlething
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| I sitting down with nanny discussing this, making sure she understands what differences need to be made to move forward and getting her 'side' is important as well. But I do think it's slightly odd and late for you to be addressing this after 7 months...especially with your daughter telling you these types of things. I'm curious what sense you're getting from your daughter? Mine is only 3 but I can always tell when she's being genuine or lying to me. The fact that she's saying the same thing over a long amount of time is something to be taken into account. |
Anonymous
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From the perspective of a nanny who has come in when there’s a child at home at least half day and at least one child at school all day: sometimes, it’s just harder to connect due to lack of time.
When I’m at home with a younger for child 3-8 hours more than older kids, a bond forms more quickly with the younger child. There are plenty of things I like to do with older kids, but when my afternoon/evening hours are spent doing homework, getting them fed and bathed after activities, then ready for parents to do bedtime (or into bed), it doesn’t leave much room for fun and bonding. I need time with older kids too, if you want me to able to bond with the kids, which is why I prefer to either start during a break (and actually do fun things with them, not shuttle to camp) or work weekends as well. Some parents only want a driver and someone to manage the afternoon chaos. But that’s not creating a bond with the kids. The kids with adapt to the routine, but they don’t really attach to the person very much. OTOH, this nanny is sabotaging the opportunities she’s been given. Sarcasm will drive a wedge if there’s no understanding, even if the child understands that it’s teasing. OP, your child was home sick and the nanny refused to interact while the younger child was asleep; that would be enough to convince me that she had no interest in the elder child. OP, I’d suggest finding a new nanny. This one has shown that she has no interest in connecting with your elder child. Look for someone used to working with older kids as well as toddlers/preschoolers, and then give her a chance to really connect with both children. Good luck! |