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Unemployed Hubby
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Anonymous
| I am also the sole breadwinner right now and had to work up until the day I went into labor and went back to work when baby was 3 weeks old. It sucks but my hubby is doing so much on the home front and is looking for work everyday. I also think that getting through this tunnel has brought us closer together. Hang in there OP and be proud that you can take care of your family to some extend! |
Anonymous
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We went through this last year and DH was out of work for 4 months. Really threw a wrench in things...but think of ALL your options. If you have family living somewhere, what about staying with them for a while? If your mortgage can't be supported by one paycheck (if you quit using childcare), maybe it's time to relocate someplace less expensive and reduce the pressure on DH, and on you to 'keep your spot' in daycare. When you live someplace cheaper, there tend to be far more child care choices since people can affort to stay at home and in-home childcare options are plentiful.
When we moved out of DC, our childcare expenses were cut in half (literally) and we got to pick the center (rather than vice versa). I was lucky enough to keep my job...perhaps if you relocate, would your job let you stay on and reduce the frequency that you come into the office? It's worth asking about. Plus, it might open up the job market for DH. Even if you relocated within the DC area, there are some lower cost places to live (even renting might be a good option right now) with more flexibility in childcare. Personally the first thing I'd do is give up the spot in daycare. Yes it's tough for DH to job search and provide childcare at the same time, but if you can't afford it on your own, it's not a good idea to keep shelling out for it. Your child will enjoy the time with DH and although you may need to be flexible to take over if he has a job interview, it really takes the monkey off your back in terms of cash flow. I had the same feelings as you - resentment, pressure for being the only provider, frustration - but once our situation changed a bit and we gave up the mortgage and childcare expenses, it became manageable. Which of course only works if you have family to stay with, and I'm not saying it is easy, but it gave DH something besides a job search to focus on and allowed us both to breathe a little. And in a heartbeat, the job dry spell was over and he has been gainfully employed every since  Once that happens, believe it or not, you'll miss having a house-husband!
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khawthorne
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My friend owns this business. He's a local guy in VA. You might check it out and see if it's of any help. Lots of great videos to watch about resume writing, preparing for the job search, interviewing, etc. Templates for cover letters, thank you letters and resumes. All free.
www.PrepareToBeHired.com |
Anonymous
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To 8:52,
you pretty much turned your life upside down by giving up the house, taking your child out of a known environment etc because of a FOUR month job loss?? Am I missing something? Wasn't there an emotional cost to your, IMO, overly drastic measures? |
Anonymous
| I went through this as well. DH lost his job when I was 9 months pregnant. He was able to do some consulting work here and there, and we were lucky all around for various other reasons, but now that he has been working steadily since Februrary we reflect back and think how it all worked out and happened for a reason. when we were going through it I felt the way you did- resentment and sorry for myself. The total time actually went by pretty quickly, but while going through it, time seemed to stand still. This will come to an end, DH will get a job, as hard as it is- support him. He'll hopefully get an even better job than he had before and maybe then you can be at home. You'll look back and realize this was a "blip" on the radar. You will make it through. |
Anonymous
Get a life! Was she also supposed to have a crystal ball and KNOW that it was only going to be 4 months? Not all families these days have enough savings to be out of work for that long! Must be nice to be so fortunate, but don't try to act like you are better when you haven't been in her shoes. |
Anonymous
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OP, if there's no hope of him landing a job soon, he should become a stay at home dad. That is what HE signed up for - when he agreed to marry, when he agreed to have a child. An equal share in responsibilities. No job, no daycare.
He can get on the computer and look for a job at night. You can find a new daycare or leave a "deposit" to save your slot, just like when you first applied. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
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8:52 here- to clarify, we were not in a long-term child care situation anyways, and DS was only 1 year when this all happened. Not to mention he's a pretty flexible kid when it comes to caregivers. So yeah, the solution might not work for someone with a more sensitive or older child. But we were relatively unhappy living so far from family anyways, and it kind of gave us the kick in the pants to change things up. Which turned out to work really well for us.
Mostly I think it's a good idea to think outside the box...sitting around waiting for a job to come along, growing deeper in debt, toughing it out, just seems like it would stress the situation and marriage all that much more. |
Anonymous
That's interesting - I enjoy this area, but since having a child, I'm realizing for me, it is sort of stressful to raise a child around here. So I think if my husband were to lose his job, we might make a similar move. Currently we both have great jobs that we love and that very much tie us to this area. My husband's is the "main" job - we make about the same but we are very tied to his job - daycare is at his work, we get our benefits from there, his commute is practically non-existent, he has a TON of flexiblity, and he absolutely loves it there, loves what he does, and has been there for many years. So, if he were to lose it, I think we would also seriously consider moving to an area either closer to family or just a smaller town that has less of the issues that make me stressed (traffic, competitiveness, high cost of living, wait lists for everything, etc.). My line of work is really translatable anywhere - I wouldn't be able to do exactly what I'm doing outside of DC (policy), but I could move to another area of my general field and be happy. Not that I'm hoping he loses his job or anything, but in a way, it would give us a certain amount of freedom I don't think we have now!!! |
Anonymous
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I just posted and to the OP - my thoughts are with you - I hope your husband gets a job soon.
Sometimes things happen for a reason and one door slamming really does open up a window of opportunity somewhere else - hopefully that is the case for you. |
Anonymous
I know I might get flamed for this, but this is why I've always felt the need to educate myself and create a career that could support a family without relying 100% on anyone. I know that plan is not fail-proof by any means but my DH and I have always looked at the marraige as 50/50. We both work f/t and split the household responsibilities equally. He has competently taken care of the kids while I traveled and performed all household chores that I typically do and I know how to do all of the chores he normally takes care of. I think it give us both a sense of relief that if something were to happen to one of us that the other spouse could keep the house running. It also helps a little in situations like a job loss where my DH or I could transition to a SAHP if out of work for an extended amount of time. We might have a really difficult time surviving on one paycheck, but at least we know that he and I can take care of whatever needs to be done around the house and with the kids without much trouble. I’m not sure why women go into marriage assuming that a DH is SUPPOSED to be the bread-winner. This assumption seems to be what is driving OP’s resentment. Now if he weren’t looking for a job or helping out more with the house than I would kick him to the curb. Otherwise, responsibilies seem to ebb and flow to one spouse or the other depending on the current situation. |
Anonymous
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PP-you are so right on! My DH was laid off in April 08 and started work again in March 09. I continued to work, and went back full time instead of 30 hours a week. My dh took the time to evaluate his career and life's passions. We collected unemployment, which sucks, had my $$$, and were able to make ends meet.
He entertained quite a few ideas but when a friend of the family approached him about a job that was completely right for him, and took a leap of faith. He had to study hard and take exams, but he did great. He's now doing something he should have considered when he was younger because he's always been good at what he's currently doing. He's finally at the top of his game. I could never be prouder of him. I never once became resentful that I had to go work and my child was in daycare. I know he was on the internet, watching the news, sitting outside, while I was at work all day. I'm not stupid. He had lots of time to think What matters is he and I are a team, we really are, and completely support one another. Our family wouldn't work without him for more reasons than I can count and I'm the glue that keeps it all together.
I don't like asking this question...but are you overextended financially? If so, then what I wrote doesn't apply to you. But he following would apply to my family. If we needed cash because we came up short every month, my dh would flip hamburgers, deliver papers, pump gas...he would do anything to take care of us. If your husband is looking for work during day, what's preventing him from working in the evenings? Hotels always have second shift jobs available, as do fast food restaurants. So you won't see him as much, but you're a family, and this is what families do. This is life and it's fucking hard sometimes. |
Anonymous
PP here. This poster was right on. |
Anonymous
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OP - I was in a similar boat to you not that long ago. DH was laid off in January and just last week started a new job. (Almost 8 months later.)
I felt "I did not sign up for this" ALL THE TIME. I was never mad at DH, and I'm pretty sure I never took out my frustrations on him. But when Type A people (like us) make a plan, get educated, work hard, and are responsible you can't help but feel ripped off when something (like a job) is unfairly taken away from you. DH was ready, willing and able to find and work a new job. He literally applied to dozens of jobs every week, hundreds in total. He followed every lead, even the ones he wasn't excited about. His ego took a real blow, but he applied to tons of jobs he was WAAAAY over qualified for. Bottom line, he will find something eventually if he keeps at it. In the mean time, just try to keep your head above water financially - even if you just meet minimum expenses. Think about some of your financial options...You could try to talk to you bank about lowering your interest rate (we did this) or if you have student loans see about putting them into "hardship forbearance" - basically you don't have to pay until he finds a job, without negatively affecting your credit. Reconsider daycare, although I understand why you are reluctant. Obviously DH needs internet and phone to apply for jobs, but what about cutting out cable, or housekeeper (we did both of these...) Its good that he has part-time work, and hopefully has unemployment the rest of the time. GOOD LUCK AND IGNORE THE "GET OVER IT" POSTERS!! When we were in the midst of it, it did not help me at all to "think of those worse off than me" - it just made me feel guilty about how I was feeling, which was totally normal. IT WILL GET BETTER!! |