Unemployed Hubby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that often DCUM under-appreciates the responsibility carried by husbands. Posters here are quick to criticize a lack of contribution in the home but also dismissive of the pressure and responsibility that comes with being the sole or primary breadwinner.

This post shows the pressures well by showing what happens when the husband stumbles in that job. Wives feel resentful of a husband's job loss, threatened that they may be forced into the role of sole or primary breadwinner (the husband's job all along in many cases), and hurt that the option of quitting the workforce to stay at home has been taken from them (a right man women treat as implicit within marriage).

I think it's worth acknowledging what a burden it is to be responsible for always working, never quitting even when you hate it, never expecting to be able to give it all up when it grows old, needing to pay the bills regardless of what your spouse makes. I am greatly appreciative that I have someone who does this for me.

I would greatly appreciate if I had someone who did all this for me, but instead I do all this AND am the primary parent.
I find your post sexist in that it assumes Husbands are the breadwinners. "I think it's worth acknowledging what a burden it is to be responsible for always working, never quitting even when you hate it, never expecting to be able to give it all up when it grows old, needing to pay the bills regardless of what your spouse makes. " That's me. Not just husbands.

[Anonymous]

I'm a dad, and as a real estate lawyer, I am at ground zero of this recession. Probably half of my peers have gotten laid off over the past year, and my hours are wayyyy down. So far my pay has dropped by about $75K over what I made in 2007, and maybe more pay cuts coming. Very stressful and depressing.

My wife was not supportive initially. Her response once was to ask me why I entered a career that has so many layoffs. Then she suggested I go to medical school????? (meanwhile, I pay 80% of our household expenses each month).

I think its slowly dawned on her what is going on, but I have no doubt that she would be very very selfish if I do in fact get laid off, and would not want to support the family on her own. I'm just trying to educate her as to our budget, explain that we (the family) need more help from her + we need to cut spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a dad, and as a real estate lawyer, I am at ground zero of this recession. Probably half of my peers have gotten laid off over the past year, and my hours are wayyyy down. So far my pay has dropped by about $75K over what I made in 2007, and maybe more pay cuts coming. Very stressful and depressing.

My wife was not supportive initially. Her response once was to ask me why I entered a career that has so many layoffs. Then she suggested I go to medical school????? (meanwhile, I pay 80% of our household expenses each month).

I think its slowly dawned on her what is going on, but I have no doubt that she would be very very selfish if I do in fact get laid off, and would not want to support the family on her own. I'm just trying to educate her as to our budget, explain that we (the family) need more help from her + we need to cut spending.

1432 poster here - you are the example of why it's important to have both spouses understand all commitments in the family so one can step in if a crisis hits. Both spouses should know how to do all household and childcare responsibilities, know where all of the family 'paperwork' is located, know what the family budget and expenses are, etc. The fact that you stress that you pay 80% of the bills each month suggests that you keep score of your contributions. We've always looked at it like our income goes into 1 pot and is OUR income for our family. Not, I pay for this much, so you do more housework.

OP, I do feel for your situation but maybe if you try to look at your marriage as more of a sum game in the long run (you work more now, while maybe you stay home when DH gets back on his feet with work). You are a team and you need to figure out a team strategy that works for you both. Sometimes I end up doing more household chores when Dh's workload is heavier and he does the same when I travel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a dad, and as a real estate lawyer, I am at ground zero of this recession. Probably half of my peers have gotten laid off over the past year, and my hours are wayyyy down. So far my pay has dropped by about $75K over what I made in 2007, and maybe more pay cuts coming. Very stressful and depressing.

My wife was not supportive initially. Her response once was to ask me why I entered a career that has so many layoffs. Then she suggested I go to medical school????? (meanwhile, I pay 80% of our household expenses each month).

I think its slowly dawned on her what is going on, but I have no doubt that she would be very very selfish if I do in fact get laid off, and would not want to support the family on her own. I'm just trying to educate her as to our budget, explain that we (the family) need more help from her + we need to cut spending.

Sorry, dad. This reaction indeed sucks. Is you wife not aware that many careers have layoffs? Good luck.

[Anonymous]

this is the PP Dad. I don't keep score but I of course know who contributes what because I do the budget and unfortunately we have separate accounts (my wife insists) so she pays the household (me) a lump sum each month. It feels like she is a tenant, not a wife. I would much rather have one joint account and have all the money go there. And I'd rather have her pay the bills, not me (not earn the money, but keep track of the funds). She doesn't do any of that. Very frustrating, and very hard to explain to her what the family budget is.

Once I tried, and she got very mad that I was including my car payment in the household expenses .... arghhh.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the responses, OP, but good luck to you and your family.

A BIG second on the unemployment (up to $359 a week and Obama has given extensions on collecting). This has really helped my family.

On the desire to be a SAHM, I was working before I got laid off and lets just say this gig is much harder for me. Much more rewarding (in ways), and I feel I've grown overall as a person, but its not necessarily greener on the other side if you know what I mean.

Counseling and asking for more help (family or otherwise) may help and remember like all things, this too will pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that often DCUM under-appreciates the responsibility carried by husbands. Posters here are quick to criticize a lack of contribution in the home but also dismissive of the pressure and responsibility that comes with being the sole or primary breadwinner.

This post shows the pressures well by showing what happens when the husband stumbles in that job. Wives feel resentful of a husband's job loss, threatened that they may be forced into the role of sole or primary breadwinner (the husband's job all along in many cases), and hurt that the option of quitting the workforce to stay at home has been taken from them (a right man women treat as implicit within marriage).

I think it's worth acknowledging what a burden it is to be responsible for always working, never quitting even when you hate it, never expecting to be able to give it all up when it grows old, needing to pay the bills regardless of what your spouse makes. I am greatly appreciative that I have someone who does this for me.

I would greatly appreciate if I had someone who did all this for me, but instead I do all this AND am the primary parent.
I find your post sexist in that it assumes Husbands are the breadwinners. "I think it's worth acknowledging what a burden it is to be responsible for always working, never quitting even when you hate it, never expecting to be able to give it all up when it grows old, needing to pay the bills regardless of what your spouse makes. " That's me. Not just husbands.

I didn't say that there are no female breadwinners or that all husbands are the primary earners, but it is true often enough to be relevant, especially with the number of SAH or PT working moms on this board. As it just so happens, I am a man who is a SAHD, and I the appreciation I was expressing was for my wife. FWIW I do not think my wife understood the pressure involved until we made the leap to me staying at home. But it still true often enough, especially with the number of PT and SAH moms on this board that the husbands are primary or sole income earners. And again I think that their contribution is not fully appreciated for what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that often DCUM under-appreciates the responsibility carried by husbands. Posters here are quick to criticize a lack of contribution in the home but also dismissive of the pressure and responsibility that comes with being the sole or primary breadwinner.

This post shows the pressures well by showing what happens when the husband stumbles in that job. Wives feel resentful of a husband's job loss, threatened that they may be forced into the role of sole or primary breadwinner (the husband's job all along in many cases), and hurt that the option of quitting the workforce to stay at home has been taken from them (a right man women treat as implicit within marriage).

I think it's worth acknowledging what a burden it is to be responsible for always working, never quitting even when you hate it, never expecting to be able to give it all up when it grows old, needing to pay the bills regardless of what your spouse makes. I am greatly appreciative that I have someone who does this for me.

I'm suprised by the one poster who was offended by you. I think your post is incredibly thoughtful and spot on. Ironic to that you turn out to be a man after the poster assumed you were in a different role!

Anyways, you really sum up the way I feel (as a woman). Everyone works or SAH for very personal reasons. I'm a working mom, I'm the ONLY working mom in my DHs entire family. The men are traditional and feel a very strong pull and obligation to support their families, no matter how difficult or at what personal sacrifice. Even though my DH makes a nice living and I could SAH, I just can't leave him holding the bag (I'm not implying that someone who SAH is abanding their spouse!). I'm acutly aware of the pressure on the breadwinner, I have baggage and had a SAHM and was very aware of how difficult it was for my dad, he had a nervous breakdown and never recovered, he has not worked on 20 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:this is the PP Dad. I don't keep score but I of course know who contributes what because I do the budget and unfortunately we have separate accounts (my wife insists) so she pays the household (me) a lump sum each month. It feels like she is a tenant, not a wife. I would much rather have one joint account and have all the money go there. And I'd rather have her pay the bills, not me (not earn the money, but keep track of the funds). She doesn't do any of that. Very frustrating, and very hard to explain to her what the family budget is.

Once I tried, and she got very mad that I was including my car payment in the household expenses .... arghhh.

1432 poster here again - sorry for making the assumption that you were keeping score and not wanting to combine the household finances and responsibilities. I'm sorry to say that your wife sucks and it looks like she married expecting to just be taken care of! I really am sorry because my DH and I truly feel like a team through the good and bad and I hate to see women acting like this - it's embarrassing to me as a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you mean, "This is not what I signed up for?"

Did you mean to sign the marriage card that guaranteed that life would be perfect and rosy, all the time? I meant to sign that one too, but in the flurry of the day, must have signed the wrong one. The one I signed says something about for better or worse... I need to go read it again.

Funny how real life has a way of intruding on our plans....

This really isn't necessary, not is it? OP is entitled to her feelings. Hang in there OP.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for all of the thoughtful replies...I could have been the OP and I am surprised that I am feeling resentful towards DH / the situation - but our family goal has been to work out of requiring my salaryit has dawned on me that with DH's job change (not yet - now have to receive certification and work up through the ranks) that the goal we edecided on for our family will not happy...so yes, I am resentful that realistically speaking, I will be the majority breadwinner and will NEED to work.

The irony is that DH would much rather work and he is the SAH parent...

thanks again for the words of encouragement, though...