My boyfriend is claiming to be a sex addict? Advice?!
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Anonymous
| You can do much better than him. Your son needs a Mom who is happy and stable more than he needs his parents together. Let your ex go and move forward with your life. You are so young, you have plenty of time to develop your career and find a better partner ! Talk about boundaries with your therapist regarding coparenting with this guy. Read books on boundaries and codependency. Become the strong person you want your son to be, make him proud of you. |
Anonymous
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He's telling you he has a problem but that YOU cannot seek help or talk to anyone about it??
No, he doesn't get t control you or this. You don't want to be with someone who limits how you can get support. Leave. |
Anonymous
| Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com. they have a sub forum related to sex addiction. |
Anonymous
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I have been thru what you are going thru. Sex addiction sounds like a clinical diagnosis, but it is very much a catchall diagnosis in the sense that there are many things that can be driving the behaviour. In my exDH's case, this kind of extreme sexual behaviour is an aspect of hypersexuality in the manic part of the cycle of bipolar depression. The way your partner is responding, blaming you, means that he is not ready to do the hard work to repair himself.
Please take what I am going to say to heart - you need to leave him and file for child support immediately and get a lawyer and file for full custody. This kind of sexual behaviour has very deep roots and only intensive work with a psychotherapist and psychiatrist for HIM, where he is really willing to examine his behaviour, has even a possibility of success and then only after many years. You do not owe it to him to "stand by him". You owe it to your kid to raise that child in a loving home with a stable parent and without the risk of exposure to your partner's impulsive and extreme sexual behaviour (and that will happen if you stay as his sexuality is so out of control.) What you do owe your exDH, to the extent that it is healthy for your child, is some kind of ongoing supervised parenting contact. In my case, I easily got full custody of my kids without going to court because I made it clear that I would fight for it, and in so doing, I would make public his diagnosis and all the evidence I had on his behaviour, and that I would do so in court and with his family. He, of course, didn't want that. The carefully constructed image of "nice guy" is very important for them to maintain. Get a lawyer to help you negotiate a custody agreement the father will sign voluntarily; whatever you both will sign, the court will rubber stamp. In exchange, exDH got frequently weekly supervised visitation with our kids. As the kids got older and they could protect themselves, he had more time with them alone. He can hold himself together for a couple hours a day with them if he doesn't have any real responsibility. Get into therapy yourself. You need to understand why you are unable to enforce boundaries. Why did you not leave at the first sign of infidelity? Yes, our culture teaches womwn that relationships are hard and we are supposed to put up with a lot, but why did you believe that to this extent? Also, this is a huge betryal trauma, which is now seen as a form of complex PTSD, so be sure to work with a therapist who understands PTSD. You might also consider S-Anon meetings. I know leaving sounds hard, but in the long run it is for the best. You and your child can have a much better life, even if you are alone and even if it is at a lower income level. But, if you work on yourself for a few years, the odds are that you are young and you will eventually find a much stronger, healthier partner. Please leave. |
Anonymous
| ^ I just want to add - you have been with this guy since you were 19. That is very young. You have mentioned emotional abuse. The sexual addiction and infidelity, especially when he blames you and tries to force you to accept it and stay in a sexual relationship with him, is a form of sexual abuse of you. Please visit --- loveisrespect.org --- and evaluate whether there are other aspects of your relationship that are abusive or rely on an unhealthy imbalance of power. |
Anonymous
| With internet access to everything, this is more prominent. |
Anonymous
It's also very creepy for a person in their late 20s to want to date a teen. Red flag numero uno |
Anonymous
| I have been in a similar situation. I met H when I was 17 and he was 24. We got married when I was 21. As soon as we got married he became verbally abusive and had a sex addiction problem. Over the years he got worse instead of better. I stayed with him because I was afraid to be alone and I didn't make enough money to live on my own. He died last year and I am now 40 years old. I am doing fine on my own and have no wish to date. My point is you are young, so get out now. You have your whole life ahead of you. He will not change and you will spend your life being miserable. |
Anonymous
| You need to find a way to get away from him ASAP. Can your parents help? Friends? |
ZachF
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Not much to add except, get legal help and make sure you have court ordered child support. You can see where his money is going and his priorities. They are not towards his son. |
Anonymous
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Watch Thanks for Sharing: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1932718/?ref_=nm_flmg_act_13
It'll help you understand sex addiction better. Also it's a good movie 
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Anonymous
| You've gotten some excellent advice, especially from 8:32. You're new so you don't know this but the kind of unanimity you see on this thread is rare on DCUM. We will argue the color of the sky. When we all agree, it is imperative the OP follow the advice given. |
Anonymous
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I honestly wouldn't even care about the HIM part of the equation- (he's an addict/he's not/he was molested and is acting out/he needs his own therapy and to process his problems/whatever.)
I would care about you. It's clear you won't be together. What's the parenting plan/custody/etc. That's all I'd focus on settling. No other topic would be on the table for me. Then continue therapy to figure out why you've put up with this so you can have healthier boundaries in your next relationship. |
Anonymous
Any therapist who sends someone to DCUM should be barred from practicing. |
Anonymous
| OP you need to ramp it up in the bedroom. Fight for your man! |