My boyfriend is claiming to be a sex addict? Advice?!
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Confusedchaos
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I have been in a relationship with this man for 4 years, we were even engaged for 1 year.
We have a son together. I am in my early 20's and he is in his early 30's. I have never been on a forum before so I am not sure if my therapist is right in recommending that I find support on a forum where people understand what I am going through. To make a long story short, my now ex boyfriend (father of my 2 year old son) is claiming that he can't help but go to websites featuring prostitutes and trying to pay for sex. He has battled with webcam with girls in the past and hardcore porn and dating websites. He has cheated on me several times (and that is only when I have caught him) He will create email accounts and then register for these dating websites and these porn websites, webcam websites and cheat on me. He also goes to the strip club and has paid for sex with a prostitute. I found out over a week ago that this was still going on... and that he has been going on websites like www.eccie.com and www.backpage.com and finding girls who are cheap and texting them to hook up. He claims he only paid for sex one time but I don't believe him. He always lies to me when it comes to this. I have talked to my therapist, and him as well and it looks like he has a sex addiction. He changed his number and he promised to go to therapy but I don't know how to deal with this. He says I am not "nasty" enough for him... and tries to manipulate the situation like it is my fault that he cheats. But I know it is just his guilty conscience. I know he doesn't want to lose me but I am honestly so grossed out by this and it is messing with me emotionally making feel like I am not good enough and I feel I will never get over this and never be able to trust him again. I am hoping he goes to therapy because if he doesn't there is absolutely no chance of us ever getting back together. I just don't know if he is really addicted or if he is using this as an excuse to be forgiven? I feel like my whole future is over or changing. and We are living together but we are just friends right now. I feel lonely and confused. Because he is embarrassed by what he has done he doesn't want me telling anyone so I have no one to talk too. I Honestly feel like I am only 23 years old and should not have to deal with all of this. He has been emotionally abusive and made me feel insecure for so long now. I feel like he has sucked the life out of me and I feel numb. I just worry because we have a son. and I want so badly for us to eventually work out and him to get better and not cheat or lie anymore. But I feel like I have been waiting for 4 years for him to change. Idk.. any advice would be wonderful.. I just feel so confused and lost at this point.. |
Anonymous
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Was he sexually molested as a child?
He needs a therapist that specializes in DBT. You won't get good advise on this forum, yourtherapist needs to find you a support group locally. Also you need a therapist that specializes in this.where are you located. You should break up. If he gets therapy and heals you can get back together, but truthfully.... He will never be faithful. You are too young for this mess,you so needs a stable home. |
Anonymous
| Dump him now. Seriously, why even waste your time with this monumental BS |
Confusedchaos
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Because He honestly is a really great dad to our son.
And I think I am scared to be alone. I know I must sound like an idiot. |
Anonymous
| Are you afraid to be alone because you can't afford it? Do you work? |
Confusedchaos
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Yeah I work. I have money saved as well. I have had 3 serious relationships and have only slept with 3 men.. but I have never been single.
I do make money, but he does make way more than I do. I am 23 and just starting out in my career. He is 31 and has already established his career. |
Anonymous
No, you don't sound like an idiot. But you do sound young and probably not aware of the massive amount of BS you are entering into. Trust me, this is a whole level of otherworldly BSery that you don't want any part of- probably don't want it around your kid, either- as anyone struggling with addiction is going to make a monumentally bad parent. For the sake of yourself and your kid, cut him off. With that being said, I know how scary it must be. But trust me- you CAN do it. |
Anonymous
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You need to find your own place, learn to live on your own income, learn to live without a man.
Tell him you don't plan to date and will reassess in 1 year after you both get a ton of therapy. You are 23, you have a 2yo, at the minimum you met your BF at 20. I assume you accidentally got pregnant and now you think you are stuck, your not. Get unstuck. |
Confusedchaos
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| Even if he changed his number, agreed to therapy, you don't think I should try to stand by him through this in hope that he will change? |
Confusedchaos
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You are right. I completely feel stuck.
He keeps making me feel like I am not "nasty" enough like the girls on the porn websites. and keeps trying to blame me. I feel like I am always the one apologizing when he is the one that did something wrong. |
Anonymous
No. You would be choosing to be with an addict who will blame you for not fulfilling his sexually deviant needs. He won't actually change he will learn to mask his desires. Addiction comes with anxiety, depression, verbal abuse, blaming, etc. You are either choosing a life with everything above or you are choosing to leave for a different life. You can't love somebody out of an addiction. Most won't even truly commit to recovery until they lose the ones they love. So you are betting you whole life on what is probably an empty promise. |
Anonymous
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This is not the type of forum or website your therapist was referring to.
Basically you need an Al-Anon group. You need support as the family member/spouse/partner of someone with an addiction. My sister is finally getting a divorce from a sex addict. He is damaged goods. Yes, they have a young child together, but she can't be with someone who won't get help. He tried it for a while, but it takes a serious commitment to uncover the painful shit that led him to that. Really painful childhood stuff. This does not end well for you. Cut your losses and end the relationship with him now. |
Anonymous
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There is no such thing as a sex addict. That's an excuse. He's just a nasty person. You know it. And he's NOT a good father. Good fathers don't buy freaky sex on the internet. A good father spends time with his kid, not humping every piece he can. And taking money away from the family.
Leave him. Today. He won't change. He's telling you he won't you just refuse to see it. Pretty soon he will get you to either agree with his sexcapades or participate. If he truly wanted to change he would. There are good decent men out there. Go find one before something bad happens. Like genital herpes or AIDS because men paying for sex don't want loving relationship sex, they want booty and a penis in every hole you have sex. Do you realize you are getting some of every skank he skips his thing in ? My BIL is nasty. When my sister found out she tried to kill herself. Don't put yourself and your child in a bad place. LEAVE HIM. |
Anonymous
+1000 Good PEOPLE don't buy from impoverished and exploited women to fulfill their sexual fantasies. |
Anonymous
| Only stay with him if you want to an STD. |