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DC area moms are very competitive!
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Anonymous
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I grew up in Chicago in an area with the same economic and educational demographics as seem to pop up on this list and find the attitudes about parenting and child-rearing sometimes scary here! Like a lot of other posters, our circle of friends here is "normal". So, what's different?
1. The obsession about schools. Where I grew up and still have friends, plus nephews, and nieces, no one thinks of private schools because the public schools are so outstanding. Here, even in areas with excellent public schools, it seems that everyone is obsessed with private schools. 2. The frenzy to find places for kids in classes and summer camps. It definitely seems more intense here. 3. The amount of classes parents sign their kids up for. Children here often seem scheduled all day long. My SIL, a SAHM, certainly had my nephews and nieces in preschool and the occasional class, but it's nothing like it is here. We limit DS to one class on a weekend, plus preschool, but many of his friends are doing 2-3 classes on weekends. 4. People here (certainly on this list) stress about everything 5. The seeming belief that just letting a child play is somehow harmful since s/he could be spending down time mastering trigonometry at the age of 4. 6. The desire for perfection. I used to work with someone who placed her son in occupational therapy because he didn't throw a ball all that great. My thought is "so what? There are other sports/activities". |
Anonymous
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Just choose your friends carefully and don't get caught up in all of the craziness. You are not a horrible parent if your stroller is a Graco (gasp!) and you don't have some special clown at your kid's birthday party.
Live in a safe, but not ostentatious (sp?) neighborhood and send your kids to public school and you'll be just fine. (Not saying there aren't nice parents at private schools - I just think you have to look a little harder, that's all.) |
Anonymous
To the PP who said that "sales" are the only thing she and her friends are competitive about, thanks for making me smile! That pretty much sums up me and my bargain-hunting friends, too! 
Also, I think one of the other PPs was absolutely right when she mentioned the link between competitiveness and insecurity. Parenting is difficult, and from time to time ALL of us question our choices and worry that we don't have all the answers. Even those of us who seem to have it all together!! And I've noticed that people deal with that kind of discomfort in different ways. Some of us "act out" our insecurity in a way that seems competitive. Others of us become oversensitive and interpret others' comments more negatively than they were intended. Either way, we're all in the same boat . . . just trying to do the right thing for our children! Anyway, my New Year's resolution is to show compassion wherever possible . . . to myself and to others, including (especially?) competitive people. I figure they're treating everything like a competition because they're having a rough time and are not nearly as comfortable in their skin as they may appear. Better to be gracious and let it roll off your back than to get sucked in and contribute further to the problem! As they say, kindness begets kindness. P.S. My bet is that many people who seem mean and competitive on the board are actually really nice in person. DCUM seems like a bit of a catharsis spot -- a safe, anonymous place to share our worries and insecurities and vent opinions we've been bottling up. My sense is that people's "dark sides" get way more play on this board than in day to day life in person. At least, I hope that's true!
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Anonymous
| Well put, PP! My sense is the same thing about this board, and fwiw, I LOVE to brag about how cheap I found x, y, z product around town. Its such a great feeling to get a good deal, isn't it? |
Anonymous
| I think that it is all about whom you chose to be friends with. I am fairly low key, and seem to gravitate towards families that are similar. |
Anonymous
| I moved here from Manhattan so it's definately a step down in terms of competitiveness (although yes, quite competitive). I think you are going to find though that most wealthy urban communities are going to have a glut of competitive parents. We have well-off friends in cities around the country that are going through the same thing. |
Anonymous
I think this is probably true in many cases. Also, since most people post anonymously, from reading various posts, I think we tend to form a "composite" image in our minds of the other posters. The composite worries every issue to death. But in fact, many of us are probably a little crazed by something related to parenting but may be quite relaxed in other areas. I have been driven to distraction by the private school application process, but I'm happily sending my children to a lovely, lowkey preschool that we chose largely because it was close to our home. Outside preschool, our older one has one scheduled activity a week; the younger one has none. Our children didn't have first birthday parties; the second and third ones were at home; we finally moved them out of the house only when that proved to be less work. Anyway, I think you get my point. |
pollyanna
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Anonymous
| OP, you are not imagining it at all=i also moved here from northern cal (menlo park/palo alto) and the vibe in DC is completely different...DC is fast paced, the opposite of laid back cali, it's rather high strung in this area, i find people honk there horns more here in the grocery store parking lot than they do in rush hour going into san fran, people are in a rush to do everything here, and the political culture lends itself to debate, divisiveness and "who's right"...of course, i think there are several wonderful things about this area, but overall, i hope to move from this area before my children reach kindergarden. i think the mommy wars (breast vs bottle, work, SAHM, public vs private school) will occur in most parts of the country, particularly in parts where there is a high percentage of older, career tracked moms who have the option of making such choices for their kids...but the mommy wars have a harsh bite in this area IMO..i've spoken with friends in the south, in small new england towns, and in cali, and none of them seem to have experienced some of the rhetoric or in person "venom" that i have here in DC...prime example, when my son was 7 mos old and we were at the park, i had a complete stranger (mom with her 1yo) drill me on my son's sleeping habits and then proceeded to "school" me on how wrong i was not to sleep train him, how i must not be informed of the latest research etc...you will also see such tones and experts here on DCUM, yes, you can tune them out, but its unfortunate women cant rise above the temptation to judge others when they are making different choices..when i travel to other parts of the country i'm reminded that the pace in the beltway is uniquely fast on many fronts! |
Anonymous
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The "Mommy Wars" are not specific to DC. It's a nationwide issue and it's been covered on Today, in Newsweek, etc. and if you type it into Google and find article after article.
I will agree that DC is worse than some areas because of the relative wealth of the city and the blunt-ness that exists here. Some women here were probably just the same at work and now being a Mom is their job, so they are competitive at it. Remember, we are in a competitive environment and those women who work and then stay home to take care of their kids after working somewhere for years and years....they don't just all of a sudden find an ability to stop being competitive. I could give a crap what people think of me. I've had nasty comments made to me about my Peg Perego stroller even....as if because I own one I need to justify my purchase. I am all for people making their own choices, but it's hard to make friends because not everyone feels that way. Around here being a "younger" Mom can be a stigma, as can being an "older" Mom. If you work, people think it's not moral and you're self-centered, if you don't work, people think you're leaching off of society. It doesn't matter what you do. There is always someone to tell you what you're doing is wrong. If you make friends with happy people, they'll have no reason to compete with you. In any case I know people who live in several areas who notice the same issues. I do think it's worse here, but not by a lot. |
Anonymous
| I actually see more of the competitiveness from more of the middle classers who are trying to move up --but isn't that sort of reasonable if you are looking to better your child's life. I guess you would call me in the upperclass and I have to say there is not a competitive bone in my body for my child. I just want her to be happy and I haven't stressed about what preschool she is going to get in because she is two and I figure in another year, I will find something and that she will definitely graduate college if she isn't in some sort of fancy school. I am not enamored of any school that she has to "try out" I find that bizarre to do to a three year old and if that means we go to a less prestigious preshool..so be it. I also have some nice clothes and when I feel like it I dress up but you can also see me around in my ratty sweatsuit. |
Anonymous
I like you - you sound grounded and normal. |
Anonymous
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thank you I try
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Anonymous
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Honestly, I've never really felt like this is a competitive place, but I also grew up here (in Fairfax Co.). My friends who also grew up here aren't very competitive either, but I think it might be b/c we all did just fine going to the public schools and nobody really cares about pre-school.
I do find though that there is much more competitiveness when I speak with my work colleagues, especially those that live in Potomac and DC. Could just be me, but they seem more into what school their kid is getting into, what classes they are taking, etc. |
Anonymous
What???? Your pre-schooler hasn't learned calculus yet???? LOL - my favorite - all the parents who profess about how "gifted" their 2 year old is b/c he/she can already count! |