Husband created sexless marriage. Now sort of back. I can't deal.

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[Post New]03/27/2017 10:39
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Anonymous
My husband pretty much slammed the brakes on sex shortly after we married. He said he didn't feel well and went without touching me for months. He's not gay; he's a hypochondriac who shuts down sometimes. After the first abandonment I managed to find my sex drive though I'd been suppressing it for a long time. After the second time, I felt so betrayed I basically shut down. He was ready for sex at some point after that but I'd been working so hard to keep my need for intimacy in check (masturbation helps but it doesn't solve the need to be desired and held) that I just couldn't make myself available to be touched again- not by him, anyway. I'd gone as much as a year forcing myself not to be frustrated and needy when I got into bed with him. It worked. I've trained myself not to expect touch and on the intervals when he's back in the game. Last time he was ready I was just unable to let myself want him but he was unhappy so I finally slept with him a few times. It wasn't great for me but I was encouraging. However, he decided I just didn't like him because he's "bad at it" and shut down again.

I asked him about it and he basically blamed me. I'm not one for the blame game at all but I'm mad now. He withheld sex out of the blue for months at a time. We fought about it. I begged him to at least hug and hold me during those times and he said I didn't understand he was sick. He was going to work at the time and could have touched me even if he was worried sex would be too much. I went through years of this waiting and coming back when I could and was finally the wife he trained me to be -- somebody who shared a bed without expecting sex. Then he came back and pouted and sulked that I couldn't revive what he'd killed. And when I finally tried he did it again and is pouring and sulking again.

I don't want to leave. We're not doing well financially and couldn't swing two households. My middle school child is going through some tough things and I need my flexible job so I can be present and supportive through this time. My husband doesn't want to divorce either. He's a fairly joyless person whose answer to everything is to hide behind his computer or in bed.

I really want to have intimacy in my life but not at the cost of poverty and hurting my kid. Child has no idea anything is amiss. We have family breakfasts and dinner together, never fight, and manage to do school activities, host sleepovers, and take a family vacation (usually a rental by a national park) every year. She's never known him when he was higher energy so it's not like she sees a difference. She doesn't know I got pregnant after trying for about a week (why would she?).

I feel like an open marriage woood work best for all but think he wouldn't go for it.
[Post New]03/27/2017 10:55
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Anonymous
Sounds like he is cheating... Like, the periods of time when he doesn't want sex, he is cheating. Perhaps he didn't want to cheat on his AP with his wife type thing.
[Post New]03/27/2017 11:06
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Anonymous
He sounds like a sociopath and seems very self centered. Everything is for him. I am married to a similar person so I know the type.
Find yourself a Affair Partner if you are able to.
[Post New]03/27/2017 11:08
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Invictus
Member Offline
Hypochondriac or a mood disorder? Mood disorders(depression, general anxiety disorder, bipolar) could manifest themselves as physical issues such as low energy, decrease or loss of libido, a desire to be alone, among other somatic expressions. I speak from experience, having bipolar illness. As my illness has worsened over the years, I've become more withdrawn, moodier, more anxious, along with more physical issues. My wife also has mood problems, though she's been self-medicating for decades with alcohol.(Addiction and mood disorders run in her family.) And, like your husband, I'll suddenly have an upward mood shift, which ramps up my libido, then I'm back to my baseline of moody and sad.

You can't make your husband go to a psychiatrist or have him discuss it with his primary, but perhaps you can have a heartfelt discussion with him. Being gentle is always the key when you have a heart to heart with your spouse or s/o.
[Post New]03/27/2017 11:23
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Anonymous
Ask for an open marriage. Your husband is an ass.

I know what you mean about the trouble with taking back a spouse who shuts down sexually. It takes an irreversible toll. My wife and I went years with little sex after the kids were born. Now, our sex life has somewhat recovered but I still have problems seeing her as sexual. I question her motives when she comes to me. I also programmed myself to see her as non-sexual as a way of coping.

Point being, its not fair for a spouse to shut down sexually and expect everything to return when they feel like it. Open marriage or cheat, you are entitled to either.
[Post New]03/27/2017 11:52
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Anonymous
OP here. He sees a psychiatrist and takes meds. He doesn't go into high drive ever -- just becomes something g like "normal" at times. He does seems to have abandonment issues but his therapy never got him fully better. He's definitely got some depressive issues but he's actually been interested in sex during some of His lower-energy phases and turned it down when he's not depressed. I sometimes wonder if it's a control thing.

In my heart I think I'd love to have an affair but I don't see myself that way. Also don't know how I'd meet anyone. I'm decent looking for 45 and fun to be around when I'm with friends and not sadly watching my husband's changing engagement with me. But I don't work with many men and I'd be afraid an internet hookup would be dangerous.

I wonder if there's any way to fix what I have. I work so hard not to be
Critical because he just shuts down when he feels judged. OTOH I already lost so many years to this cycle. There's longevity in my genes. I could be around another 50 years and I don't like thinking my chances at partnership and being adored and desired are nil.
[Post New]03/27/2017 11:56
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Anonymous
Some psychiatric medications can affect a patient's libido. Do you think that might be playing a role?
[Post New]03/27/2017 12:32
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Some psychiatric medications can affect a patient's libido. Do you think that might be playing a role?


OP here: i don't. He's on meds that aren't in that class. It's not ED; it's something else. It really seems like it's a psychosomatic issue or a control issue.
[Post New]03/27/2017 12:40
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Anonymous
OP, have you posted before?

In any case, you're enmeshed in a cat-and-mouse game with your husband. Whatever issues are driving him, he's going to keep doing this sick push/pull thing as long as you're willing to join the dance. If you can find a sharp therapist and both of you can get to the root of what's driving this dynamic, and he has motivation to work on change and breaking the pattern, then there's a chance. But seriously, it's not likely. And you can't make him change. So you work on yourself and get yourself out of the pattern on your side. You need affection, touch, etc. Understand and accept that he is unable to be the source. Disengage.

If you need to stay together for financial reasons, stop focusing on your husband, and focus on strengthening yourself in every way possible. Your children may have genetic predispositions to mental illness, so focus on their health. And think about what they pick up from living with the various sick dynamics in the household. It bleeds out more than you know. What can you do to teach them about these things so they don't fall into the same patterns?

[Post New]03/27/2017 12:40
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Anonymous
How have you not seen a therapist as a couple to work through these issues, either alone or as a couple? Even if he were to have a great and consistent sex drive today and for the rest of your marriage, there is a great deal of anger and resentment that needs to be dealt with.

[Post New]03/27/2017 13:33
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Anonymous
OP, I could have written your post. I know exactly how you feel-a hollowed out shell as a matter of self preservation. It's a horrible existence.
I finally got an AP 6 months ago and have come alive. I forgot what it was like to be touched, loved and feelings of intimacy.
I'm filing divorce with DH this week because I have realized I deserve more. Best of luck to you.
[Post New]03/27/2017 14:55
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:How have you not seen a therapist as a couple to work through these issues, either alone or as a couple? Even if he were to have a great and consistent sex drive today and for the rest of your marriage, there is a great deal of anger and resentment that needs to be dealt with.



OP here. I never wrote that we hadn't seen a therapist together. We did for a year. The pattern persisted.
[Post New]03/27/2017 16:51
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How have you not seen a therapist as a couple to work through these issues, either alone or as a couple? Even if he were to have a great and consistent sex drive today and for the rest of your marriage, there is a great deal of anger and resentment that needs to be dealt with.



OP here. I never wrote that we hadn't seen a therapist together. We did for a year. The pattern persisted.


Either stay or get divorced. Don't have sex with strangers, that will compound your problems especially with the std's out there.
[Post New]03/27/2017 19:42
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Invictus
Member Offline
OP, your husband could have emotional problems that are not related to a psychiatric illness. Wife and I have been sexless for 7 years due to her verbal/emotional abuse and her indifference towards love making. One thing I've learned in therapy is to take care of myself. You do the same.
[Post New]03/27/2017 20:33
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Anonymous
Is it possible he was ever sexually abused as a child? There are things in your description that make me wonder.
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