Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, in my family, you worked because that's how you supported yourself and your family. No job was below respect, and my parents frequently referred to menial jobs and manual labor as "honest work." Your value as a person was innate, not a function of your job.

This is OP again - I think my parents gave lip service to that idea, but I internalized the idea that you should also have external validation as well as internal satisfaction beyond just doing an honest day's work.

I don't think I really realized how much that isn't how it is for everyone until I got to know my husband's family. We married late - in our late 30s - and I spent a lot of time in a lot of places, so I can't quite fathom how I wound up in such an echo chamber until then. It's weird!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trophy generation... Constantly needing outside validation.

It's an epidemic.

Wrong thread?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trophy generation... Constantly needing outside validation.

It's an epidemic.

Wrong thread?

No. Lack of intrinsic motivation and the need for "respect"... It's pathetic.

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a family where family time was golden, but having a source of one's income was a goal my parents had for all of us.

My parents taught self-sufficiency. They always said 'never rely on anyone else for your source of income'. My parents were proud to do things on their own. My mother thought the lesson was particularly important for my sister and I since for my brother society expected it. My parents, especially my father, always instilled that women can do anything that men can do. We played competitive sports and had the same chores as my brother. There were no 'girl chores' vs 'boy chores'---everyone had a round of mowing the lawn, folding the clothes, setting the table, etc.

My dad had a flexible schedule. He loves to cook. My mom took off time from nursing when we were young and then launched into it again---rising to hospital administrator by the time, I the youngest, was in middle school.

My parents both pitched in at home. Both were at all our sporting events, coached, etc.

Idleness was not valued. My husband grew up with a single working mom and also comes from the mantra that everyone earns something. Not only would he have a hard time with me spending 6.5 hours while the kids are in school not contributing financially---I myself would. I worked for a graduate degree in a STEM field. I like what I do. Fortunately, I WAH full-time---I would always work and contribute to retirement even if it had to be part-time. I don't really understand any other way.

I don't not respect women that don't work. I just was raised differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in a family where family time was golden, but having a source of one's income was a goal my parents had for all of us.

My parents taught self-sufficiency. They always said 'never rely on anyone else for your source of income'. My parents were proud to do things on their own. My mother thought the lesson was particularly important for my sister and I since for my brother society expected it. My parents, especially my father, always instilled that women can do anything that men can do. We played competitive sports and had the same chores as my brother. There were no 'girl chores' vs 'boy chores'---everyone had a round of mowing the lawn, folding the clothes, setting the table, etc.

My dad had a flexible schedule. He loves to cook. My mom took off time from nursing when we were young and then launched into it again---rising to hospital administrator by the time, I the youngest, was in middle school.

My parents both pitched in at home. Both were at all our sporting events, coached, etc.

Idleness was not valued. My husband grew up with a single working mom and also comes from the mantra that everyone earns something. Not only would he have a hard time with me spending 6.5 hours while the kids are in school not contributing financially---I myself would. I worked for a graduate degree in a STEM field. I like what I do. Fortunately, I WAH full-time---I would always work and contribute to retirement even if it had to be part-time. I don't really understand any other way.

I don't not respect women that don't work. I just was raised differently.

I hear everything that you just said. BUT, part of what I read was that work = income producing work. Unpaid work is not work.

So, someone who is employed as a patient advocate at a hospital is working. Someone who accompanies their sick child or parent to all specialist appointments, chemo treatments, etc, and fights for 2nd opinions, reminds nurses that XYZ is not to be done, per the chart, asks if there are interactions between these two drugs, and on and on, is "not working".

Similarly, volunteer work is not, by your definition, work, even though I don't know how that is "not contributing". Some SAHM spend time during the day doing significant, meaty volunteer work, but there is no W-2 to show for it when the year is over.

I don't think anyone is asking for you to respect their yoga class. Just recognize that there are forms of contributing that generate no income, but the person is still creating value and that should be respected.

Anonymous wrote:The lack of respect for SAHMs comes from their financial dependence, not the day to day itself, IMO.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The lack of respect for SAHMs comes from their financial dependence, not the day to day itself, IMO.

But why on earth do you care?? How do you know they don't have investments? How do you know they didn't get a big stock payout? Or have a trust fund?

Besides, if the household were a company, would you only respect the revenue side? People who work in operations are "financially dependent" on those who are in sales/business development/marketing, right? They aren't "bringing home the bacon" for the company, yet we recognize that they perform critical functions.

I disagree with you. I think the lack of respect is about the day-to-day.

Otherwise, to extend your logic, we give more respect to spouses who come to the marriage with great financial assets, less to those with student loans or child support payments. And more respect to families who are wealthy and less to those who make less money.

Generally speaking, no one knows the details of another couple's finances. And if they aren't asking you (or the government, if you want to go there) for money, it's really none of your business, and should have nothing to do with the respect you do or do not afford them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The lack of respect for SAHMs comes from their financial dependence, not the day to day itself, IMO.

But why on earth do you care?? How do you know they don't have investments? How do you know they didn't get a big stock payout? Or have a trust fund?

Besides, if the household were a company, would you only respect the revenue side? People who work in operations are "financially dependent" on those who are in sales/business development/marketing, right? They aren't "bringing home the bacon" for the company, yet we recognize that they perform critical functions.

I disagree with you. I think the lack of respect is about the day-to-day.

Otherwise, to extend your logic, we give more respect to spouses who come to the marriage with great financial assets, less to those with student loans or child support payments. And more respect to families who are wealthy and less to those who make less money.

Generally speaking, no one knows the details of another couple's finances. And if they aren't asking you (or the government, if you want to go there) for money, it's really none of your business, and should have nothing to do with the respect you do or do not afford them.

I don't necessarily disagree with you. I'm just explaining what I believe is the mentality.