s/o "respected" for what you do all day

[Anonymous]

On another thread, a SAHM was saying how annoyed she is that her family members don't seem to respect what she does all day. I think she thinks that they would respect her more if she had a job outside the home. I have no kids, and no dog in the SAHM/WOHM fight, but it sounds really annoying, her family's attitude, and I can see what she'd be irritated by it.

But the s/o part is this question: did you grow up with the expectation that people would "respect" you for whatever happened to take up your time and/or provide your living?

I grew up in a family in which thinking about work and career was partly a matter of practicality, and partly a matter of passion and identity. So I think that there was an expectation that whatever you did, it would be something to be proud of - in addition to something that'd pay your bills. And you'd probably get some public recognition for it - or at least people who know you would understand why you'd chosen this path.

But my husband's family is a whole lot more practical, and less seeking of public acknowledgement. They don't necessarily pursue careers that you'd be "respected" for or whatever - they are just normal jobs that pay the bills, mostly. And some people stay home with kids, which is also completely unremarkable in that family.

I frankly have a hard time even imagining my husband's family members even understanding why anyone would feel respected or disrespected for choosing to stay home with kids, or going out to get a job. It'd mostly be a matter of whether you need the money or not. It would not be respected if someone made a dumb financial choice and then asked their family to bail them out - but even then, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I think standing and status just isn't really as much of an issue in his family.

So, good people of DCUM - I'm curious your thoughts or perspective here. Do you expect "respect" for whatever you do during the day? Does that concept mean anything to you?

[Anonymous]

I think my family (and DH's family) is more like your DH's family, OP. I don't need "respect", but I would be upset by a lack of respect. Unless my job were bad, like a con artist or something, I wouldn't expect that my family would disapprove of my job (or SAH, which is currently what I'm doing).

However, one of my brothers did receive a lot of parental disapproval and judgment over the years, for not keeping down a good job and not providing well for his family. Eventually my parents accepted him and his job choices and financial troubles, but it took a long time.

[Anonymous]

I think the point is that people should be respected, period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my family (and DH's family) is more like your DH's family, OP. I don't need "respect", but I would be upset by a lack of respect. Unless my job were bad, like a con artist or something, I wouldn't expect that my family would disapprove of my job (or SAH, which is currently what I'm doing).

However, one of my brothers did receive a lot of parental disapproval and judgment over the years, for not keeping down a good job and not providing well for his family. Eventually my parents accepted him and his job choices and financial troubles, but it took a long time.

That's what I think would happen in my husband's family, too. They would be really upset if someone's job instability meant they weren't taking care of their family - be that person male or female. I don't think they much care about the details beyond that. They definitely don't care if you went to an Ivy league school or are in the newspaper sometimes or whatever.

[Anonymous]

I came to the understanding in my school and college career that my job was supposed to be the source of the respect that would be accorded to me. I learned in the many years since then that I strongly disagree with this, and prefer not to spend time with people who still rank and order people based on their profession. It would suck if my family were like this, but they're not. I have chosen to take jobs that give back to the world but are low-status and sometimes low-paying. I have even been told by classmates from high school and college that I am brave (wtf?) for defying expectations, and that they too wish they could "give it all up" and become something else.

[Anonymous]

Trophy generation... Constantly needing outside validation.

It's an epidemic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trophy generation... Constantly needing outside validation.

It's an epidemic.

Wrong thread?

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a family where we only talked about respecting ourselves, and the distinction between behaving respectfully vs earning respect.

I don't care if people respect my job. I know what I do, and I work hard to do well at it. That's all that matters to me.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, in my family, you worked because that's how you supported yourself and your family. No job was below respect, and my parents frequently referred to menial jobs and manual labor as "honest work." Your value as a person was innate, not a function of your job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, in my family, you worked because that's how you supported yourself and your family. No job was below respect, and my parents frequently referred to menial jobs and manual labor as "honest work." Your value as a person was innate, not a function of your job.

This is OP again - I think my parents gave lip service to that idea, but I internalized the idea that you should also have external validation as well as internal satisfaction beyond just doing an honest day's work.

I don't think I really realized how much that isn't how it is for everyone until I got to know my husband's family. We married late - in our late 30s - and I spent a lot of time in a lot of places, so I can't quite fathom how I wound up in such an echo chamber until then. It's weird!

[Anonymous]

I'm a dance instructor and get asked fairly frequently if I'm ever going to consider getting a real job. That feels disrespectful. I guess people don't realize that I make a good living and actually really enjoy my job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, in my family, you worked because that's how you supported yourself and your family. No job was below respect, and my parents frequently referred to menial jobs and manual labor as "honest work." Your value as a person was innate, not a function of your job.

This. I grew up poor. All jobs were respectable jobs.

[Anonymous]

I took it to mean basic respect. Like in the human sense. If I were a SAHM and someone was dismissive about what I do - I would think that person was being disrespectful.

As a working mom, same thing. Doesn't have to mean, you need to admire and agree with me. But just let's show some respect for one another and not put each other down by dismissing each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, in my family, you worked because that's how you supported yourself and your family. No job was below respect, and my parents frequently referred to menial jobs and manual labor as "honest work." Your value as a person was innate, not a function of your job.

This. I grew up poor. All jobs were respectable jobs.

Too bad most of DCUM doesn't see it that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a dance instructor and get asked fairly frequently if I'm ever going to consider getting a real job. That feels disrespectful. I guess people don't realize that I make a good living and actually really enjoy my job.

That's messed up! Dance instructors have made life worth living for me in more than one instance. I can't say that about even ONE lawyer.